music---the cure to everything.

there's nothing here

2011-12-06T16:57:00.002+08:00

there's nothing here that i hold dear to my heart. nobody, no thing. what is left is the mindless studying for what remains of the last 2 schooling weeks. will my mood improve only when the exams are over? i don't know, but i doubt so.

suddenly i share the same sentiment as esther. i can't wait to go back to the place where i belong. the place where so many things, so many people, so many places are dear to me. where i fit in. here? adventure becomes boring and monotonous as time carries on. too much hypocrisy, too much independence.

suddenly it gets tiring to be independent. it wears you down, thinking of what things you need to do by yourself. sometimes you just wanna hide in your own corner and just think aimlessly and mindlessly. unfortunately it doesn't happen here. sometimes i just wanna sing out loud to relieve the stress and monotony of the life here. but i can't, there's a social 'decorum' that has to be adhered to here. Finns are reserved and quiet, and they expect you to be likewise.

suddenly i appreciate the freedom i had when i was in singapore. the freedom to go wherever i want, to do whatever i want, to sing wherever i want without people thinking you are crazy. freedom is not independence. freedom is knowing that you can go crazy because you have support, be it friends, family etc. independence is knowing that you have to be mature and steadfast going about doing things, by yourself, and do it well. there's a big difference.

well i'm ready to be free, but not ready to be independent. at least, i want to know that however late i go home, there will be someone waiting for me, some hot dinner, something to look forward to at home. here? there's nothing. nothing at all. the walls keep you company, and so do your friends on facebook. virtual world isn't the real world, nothing is like meeting your loved ones face to face.

suddenly i regret the way i've lived in the past. this isn't cultural shock of living in a new country, neither is it homesickness. being here for the past 5 months i've gotten used to the Finn way of living, talking less, doing more. and i believe it isn't homesickness because it's not the prospect of home that makes me happier, its the prospect of leaving this place. suddenly i regret the way i'll brush my mum away when she asks me whether i'll be home for dinner, suddenly i regret the way i speak to my dad when he gives me a call to ask when i'll be back, suddenly i miss the way i banter with my sister, suddenly i miss the times i shared with geraldine, with the chem eng peeps, with the vjc peeps, suddenly i regret...

its a merciless world, where you know what you miss and what you are only after losing them. only after being thrown into the deep end, can you know what you're made of. only after multiple trials can you know what's the most dear to you, what makes you, well, you.

jian kai was right. the exchange trip opens your eyes to alot of things, just not the things i expected them to be. suddenly, i know what i need to be complete. 'and when you know how much that means, when you've found that special thing, you're flying without wings'. never really felt how true this lyrics was, but indeed it's true. we all crave to have fun, but yet, is fun really what you need? i used to think to myself, how wonderful would it be if you were to live in a foreign land, make friends in with foreign people of a different race/skin colour.

yet, is it really so wonderful? i don't think so.

suddenly, i really truly begin to understand myself. who do i live for? i remember asking that question multiple times in the past, and previously the answer was for myself. now i'm not so sure. humans aren't complete by yourself, no man is an island.

now i discover, that i really live for others. you are complete, and hence you live, because of what you have around you.

previously, i can stay at home for days on end, without feeling bored or a need to go out. now, 2 days in the room irks me. so suffocated, so tiring.

yes, travelling was fun while it lasted. playing was fun while it lasted. but in my opinion, it's time for the fun to end.

this sucks

2011-10-25T03:36:00.003+08:00

well this sucks. interesting to note that i lend my answers to others to copy and i get lower marks. i wouldn't really care that much in normal times, but 0.5 marks is kinda a big difference when the passing mark is 11 marks.

and it could get really really bad tomorrow if the exam is difficult. jeez... i really just hope i can do all the theory questions and secure the pass before i do the computer part -.- this could get really bad =X

they can really set an insane paper to kill students if they want to. like seriously KILLER. beginning to appreciate nus and the lecturers and the accountability of the profs there. at least they care to explain to you what error you have made, and are READILY CONTACTABLE. neither which is the case here -.-

neither do they release the homework scores one day before the final exam to demoralise you. seriously wtf people here.

11 marks to pass, i have 4.3. i need 6.7 marks! please let me pass this damn course, i don't wanna take it back in nus. aiwen says courses here won't fail. RAWR I WILL DO WELL!

ARGH.

够幸褔了?

2011-05-25T23:41:00.002+08:00

聚会里单独现身朋友都没想到你我

会是这几对里先分开的

约定做彼此亲人结束就更心安理得

说穿了舍不得变成陌生人

别自责比起很多人我们够幸福了

面对面改变口吻心还依然温热

感伤停格爱永远都没有定论

不需要去否认我生命中你客串过的深刻

微笑平和慢慢我心态调适了

能结伴却各自走着纵然苦涩

约定做彼此亲人结束就更心安理得

说穿了舍不得变成陌生人

别自责比起很多人我们够幸福了

面对面改变口吻心还依然温热

感伤停格爱永远都没有定论

不需要去否认我生命中你客串过的深刻

微笑平和慢慢我心态调适了

能结伴却各自爱着我接受故事的转折

别心疼诚实的疼痛的快乐

晚安爱人谁都晓得该往前走了

让时间去默认明天我们一定都会遇见对的人

我还醒着其实我早该知足了

享受着心痛的过程安静地守护一个人

纵然苦涩

the best song now, no?

结束就更心安理得, 说穿了舍不得变成陌生人: ending it all made everyone feel better, so that we don't

become strangers and stay as friends.

纵然苦涩: even though it's bitter.

only time will tell if it's the best result. but till then, i guess i'll have to survive alone. and i tell myself i will,

as i have through all the adversity.

stand by..you

2011-03-05T19:33:00.009+08:00

Oh
Why you look so sad
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me, now
Don't
Be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side, too
When the night falls on you
Don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when....
When the night falls on you ,baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest

long time coming, in more ways than one

2010-11-21T21:15:00.003+08:00

haven't blogged in eons, since like the third week of term. how ironic then, that i'm blogging the day before the first final exam tomorrow =P

so much have happened since my last post, too much to write. maybe during the holidays when there is time =P. but well, i'm glad that the semester 3 is coming to an end. too slow though, can it like come NOW??

GRR.

studying is such a chore.

i went for a paid gig yesterday at the grand hyatt. it was a really weird yet interesting show. like seriously. luckily when i was singing there were hardly anybody left, or rather, the people there were dancing like crazy. totally weird max. i feared for the ladies's safety when they went on stage, considering there were semi drunk and wholly drunk people in the ballroom that looked that they would go on stage to hug them. LOL.

interesting experience, but hopefully more normal gigs next time. hmm. since its year end, many companies are going to have their DnDs. any chance of more paid gigs? =DD i want i want! more money for christmas hopefully =D

back to studies then. two more freaking weeks before i can finally rest. sighh..

P.S.: Wanna spend more time with my dear during the holidays =DD another reason for exams to quickly end=P

7 days not enough!

2010-09-06T00:27:00.003+08:00

相爱没有那麽容易

每个人有他的脾气
过了爱做梦的年纪

轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那麽容易

才会特别让人着迷
什麽都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心所以最开心

曾经...

黄小琥---没那么简单

Just watched the finals of xing guang quan qi competition, like two weeks after the finals was broadcast live. how slow i am huh? no time due to lots of things going on =X. but anyway, saw many good performances and was reminded of the above song. such a nice song=)

fell sick with fever last week. 2nd time in 4 weeks that i've fallen sick. zzz.. being sick sucks. luckily i recovered before voices welcome tea on thursday. think i did okay for a performance that i only sung with the band for 30 minutes? acceptable standard ba. haha..

school is a bitch now. seriously, the labs are getting on my nerves -.- 6 hour labs on even weeks, 4 hour labs on odd weeks, with lab reports thrown into the fray. luckily the 6hr one there are zai group members who do their share of the work, so although the lab itself is taxing, it helps to have friends sharing the burden. as always, having friends around makes one feel much better.

Realised this sem is really very shiong. on a (randomly) crazy week, my days are 6,6,8,6,4 hours from monday to friday. although, effectively, this sem there are only 2 tutorials, all the lsm modules need to review after the lecture. concepts not so easy to grasp, and in certain cases, too many things to memorise that cannot be internalised during the lecture itself.

as usual, 7 days a week not enough. thankfully i have dates with dear to look forward to. my weekly recharging day=P recharged with energy and love=D

thanks dear, for always being there for me=) you colour my life=)

school so far

2010-08-20T00:29:00.003+08:00

and so it nears the second week of school. as of now, school isn't very taxing yet, but I know it will pick up really soon, when all the labs kick in. precisely why I'm trying to make sure I understand everything that is being taught.

which is precisely why i detest profs that simply can't articulate his words well. as aaron said, it's not his accent, coz many PRC lecturers have the same accent. it's his poor articulation, and all his pauses in the midst of a sentence just serves to distract us from what he wants to teach. what's more, his lecture lasted 2.5 hrs. can you imagine, a freaking 2.5 hr long lecture with him rambling on and on? -.-

had to revise what he taught at home by myself today, using edwin's textbook. rather thankful for the group of CSP/former CSP friends i have made, like aaron, edwin, songhoe etc.. school seems much less monotonous with them around. and having aaron around for all my mods is exceptionally good, whatever i don't catch, he gets it, and vice versa. always good to have a friend around for a random module that no one has taken before, especially so when he's analytically sharp and discerning.

i find myself warming up for the challenges ahead, but not fully prepared yet. gonna need to put in the 110% in my work.

when the going gets tough, the tough gets going, right?

and there it all begins again

2010-08-09T10:42:00.002+08:00

well, today's the last day of the three month long holidays and i've fallen sick. how nice. i fell sick like 3 times during the course of these 3 months, hopefully won't be sick again for a long long time.

things to accomplish during the new semester:

1) apply for SEP to US in sem 5!

2) find good attachments/internships at oil/product companies or banks/big four.

3) study hard and maintain my CAP.

and of course not forgetting, spending time with my dear=) that is of paramount importance=) walking down siglap road yesterday without your hand in mine was a weird feeling =X

-----------------------------------------------------

new friends come, old friends go. unfortunately, there isn't anything much i can do about it. as they get to know more people, get exposed to more things, they'll drift further and further away. to me, those that stay are those that'll be your lifelong friends. my lifelong friends. friends who will stay no matter what.

and so, one or two of these are sufficient=)

i don't lament the loss of friends, because it's their choice and their path to take; who am i to keep them? regardless of whether it's a misunderstanding, or whether it is purely because we've drifted apart, if they feel it's best for them, so be it.

i don't know how the future is like, but i would just wanna hold those people close to me closer. like my dear, those true friends...=)

regis-advenio-nunc

ciao

2010-07-31T13:28:00.001+08:00

so i'm gonna be off to my next camp. and bidding starts on monday. and i have a performance on monday too.

holy.

life's like that man.

it takes 1 afternoon to make your day, but just 1 call to destroy everything...

2010-07-26T19:31:00.002+08:00

well contrary to the title of this post, i'm gonna start off with something happy first=)

had a lovely night yesterday, spent with my dear=) well actually every night spent with her is lovely, just that yesterday more so=) strange that time passes soo fast everytime it comes to this particular day of the month, but it's okay...i always look forward to the one next month=)

and then my cors stuffs are almost settled. after two calls to the admin IC, apparently by tomorrow, they'll get the prof to waive off the prerequisite so that we can bid for that mod. and also received confirmation that the life sci mods will be preallocated, so no worries there...what's left is the sixth and (hopefully) last module. toying with the idea of taking eg2401 (and i may die taking that) or an arts gem. politics seem interesting...

and to the unholy call i had today. man, i realise i have limitless tolerance dealing with imbeciles, but if and only if i have NO CHOICE but to tahan them. okay, granted that he was right in his argument that everything isn't his fault and its the gahment statboards that screwed up (or rather, just a single officer. it's unfair to say that the statboard is inefficient just because of a single civil servant).

i pity the shithole he is in, that he received the shock of his life to open his letterbox and see a bill waiting for him, when he thought he paid up in full. and i did, throughout the course of the whole conversation, did assure him multiple times that i'm gonna stop any penalties whatsoever for him.

well, that was before he started complaining about the hassle, complain about the service, complain about HDB, complain about the way we bill, complain yada yada yada... before singaporeans complain about the gahment, or the way gahment agencies do things, they oughta take a cold hard look at themselves. i think many of us are too used to having things their way, that when they encounter setbacks or things that happen not to go their ideal path, they just go screaming and screaming.

compare yourselves to other people in other countries. you think the customer service is gonna talk to you nicely as you rant? think about it, before you decide to launch your endless tirade at the poor fellow.

geez...sometimes, i really cannot stand my fellow countrymen..

singaporeans love to complain. i just proved i'm singaporean.

2010-07-23T20:08:00.002+08:00

just read an interesting article off the forum in hardwarezone about property tax. there was this netizen who got uber pissed that IRAS sent her elderly mother a late payment advice demanding payment for outstanding property tax.

He claims that IRAS sent a disturbing letter to his mother, who is only the secondary owner, because his sister, the primary owner, failed to pay her tax.

His questions were: why is the govt so heartless as to force an old lady to make payment and threaten to freeze her bank account when she isn't even liable to pay it in the first place?

look at it this way: everybody has a reason to avoid paying tax. some people quote financial difficulties, some people claim they are elderly, some people claim they are overseas...etc etc. does that mean all these people don't need to pay tax?

The tax administration has a responsibility to make sure everybody in Singapore earning an income and owning a property pays their tax accordingly, with no exceptions in between. no one is an exception, and precisely because of that, everyone has to pay. if exceptions are made, people will start asking questions as to what is the rationale behind the exception, and all hell breaks loose.

I'm neither a PAP supporter, nor against the PAP. but facts speak for itself. people complain, but they should know, deep down, that this is right. this is the way to do things. don't trade things that you don't know, for things that you know already work. i mean, how do you know that if you vote in the Opposition, they will do things exactly as you want them to?

How do you know that if (a very big if) they get voted into power, they will improve conditions? improve the way of life of Singaporeans now? how do you know if they will deliver what they say instead of making things worst then they are now?

bear in mind, a lot of the Opposition MPs have scarce experience working in the public sector. do they know how IRAS work? do they know what GIC does?

passing the baton into unexperienced hands might just lead to unexpected and unwanted consequences that could, overnight, plunge the nation into political instability. my view is that, yes maybe Singapore do need some opposition MPs, just to keep a check on the political lopsidedness. but do you really want things to change from what it is now?

being used to wealth and good living conditions, can we really weather a major change in political change?

food for thought.

in short, Singaporeans just love to complain. when things are done efficiently they complain. when things are done slowly, they also complain.

which brings me to my next topic.

since i'm singaporean, i complain too.

lol..the irony.

as usual, at the start of every sem, i have to delve through the chem eng dept and the life sciences dept in order to get what i want. can't they, for once, just make sure that things are done even before i spam them with emails?-.- seems like they must always be pushed pushed pushed before they can move their sorry butts and get their work done.

and in any case, in NUS, the minority group is always disadvantaged. just because we are the minority, our interests are usually left out until the very end, or until we complain that something needs to be done.

every start of sem, it's like we have to wage a war against the dept office, before they will look at our requests.

NUS really, stands for No Use Studying.

让一切随风...

2010-07-11T23:19:00.002+08:00

风中风中心里冷风

吹失了梦

事未过去就已失踪

此刻有种种心痛

心中心中一切似空
天黑天光都似梦
迷迷惘惘聚满心中
追踪一片冷的风

各种空虚冷冷冷
吹起吹起风里梦
过去的心火般灼热
今天已变了冰冻

记忆中突然又痛
只因空虚再作弄
你似北风吹走我梦
就让一切随风

haven't posted any nice songs recently. haven't had the time or mood to actually listen to new songs these few weeks. but today, as i was having my weekly dose of xing guang, came across this song sung by 閻奕格. My first impression was, why the hell is she in this competition?? she's far far too good for this. far too good. gawd. the rest of the comtestants totally pale in comparison.

began having goosebumps by the pre-chorus. it's a canto song and she isn't even cantonese, yet she brings out the meaning of the song so succinctly. i was so impressed i ripped her cover into a mp3 version. and one of the judges aptly said:' i don't understand cantonese, but i was drawn into the song by the emotion and groove of the singer. didn't need to understand the lyrics, her singing made me understand what it was all about.'

so powerful, music is. such a powerful tool.

music transcends boundaries, lingustic or otherwise. if the music and singer is good, it really doesn't matter if you understand the lyrics anot..just like most people don't understand what pavarotti is singing in italian, but you would still be impressed by him.

閻奕格 is too imba. really. everything was done to perfection, nothing too much, nothing less. kudos to her. i'm impressed. very impressed.

there comes a time for singers, when key, pitching, rhymth, breathing, grooving doesn't really matter anymore. what matters is the picture you are trying to draw, what exactly are you trying to convey...sadness, anger, happiness, lovesickness? the image, so clearly drawn by the singer, proves her capability.

in the end, it's not the basics that make music. it's not the pitching, though it forms the fundamentals of good music. it's the ability to tell a story. the ability to paint out what you are feeling right now. the ability to describe in detail the story you are about to tell.

in 閻奕格's case, such a clear picture, of a lost love, of departure. she sings, with her experiences in life.

she is my aim, the pinnacle of music.

to draw the picture, in my own colours. in my unique set of colours.

fail fail fail.

2010-06-30T20:33:00.002+08:00

by 10s. bloody hell. for a freaking 10s, i have to rebook, re-take leave, redo this whole damn ippt. extremely pissed off.

pissed off with myself, first and foremost. for not making the additional 10joule of energy burst to reach the finish line 10s earlier.

pissed with the PTI.

pissed with the whole system of having to do ippt in the first place.

just pissed.

------------------------

do you get this niggling feeling, that you're doing the wrong things, saying the wrong stuff? or that your best effort is never enough? or that your emphasis on life is changing?

coz i've been getting that alot recently..hmm...

i think...

2010-06-22T01:24:00.003+08:00

i think, i'm still a distance away from the man i want to be.

i think, i'm just like a normal person after all.

i think, i've learned the importance of having someone who understands you by your side, and i never wanna let it go.

i think, when depressing thoughts come through my mind, i need to learn how to banish them and not let it affect me.

i think, i've understood the meaning of love. perhaps, just perhaps, i'm on the path of truly understanding myself.

因为你是我的眼
让我看见这世界就在我眼前..

Jansen

22/06/2010

The day when the truth dawned.

to my dear=)

2010-06-12T09:21:00.003+08:00

in about 4 hours time, i'll be going off to hong kong for holiday with my parents for 8 days...

Will miss my dear so.. soo soo much=X

Hugs my dear=PPP

Anything still can message me okays?=) And don't forget our dates on the 19th and 25th=)

Love

Jansen=)

recent happenings

2010-06-01T20:48:00.002+08:00

haven't exactly had the time and the mood to update my blog these few days, but lots of things happened.

firstly, now i'm back at iras! like finally. heh. and just finished the training phase again, will be officially on the line from tomorrow. hopefully no stupid people with stupid questions spoil my day tomorrow. LOL. there are just too many weird people around =P

next, results release yesterday. well i think i did better than i expected myself to, coz i was kinda expecting not so good grades for eg1413 and ssa2204, especially after the final examination, especially for ss. luckily, the lecturers/markers happen to like what i wrote and i have decent grades for both. ss is really a fluke; i really thought i was destined to S/U it after my 2nd class test got B-... lucky lucky..now i save one s/u for further use=P.

planning ahead, i just looked at the recommended schedule for next semester and beyond. looks like a really evil timetable. wonder if i should overload next sem with another gem or uem that i can (at least) afford to S/U if i don't do so well. that would free up my sem 6 and sem 7 to do more focused study on the really horrendously evil modules like cm3221, which smells of pure vindictive evilness after the cm2121 i took this sem, and cm4222. LOL. i just need to say the module title and you'll understand.

cm3221: organic synthesis and spectroscopy

cm4222: ADVANCED organic synthesis and spectroscopy.

well its a lvl 4000 module after all. confirm gonna be hard -.-

but for now, let's enjoy work (while it lasts and money comes into my bank account), enjoy the hols ( going overseas in mid june) and enjoy spending time with my dear (:

music and me

2010-05-29T00:09:00.002+08:00

a very boring day in terms of things done, but did alot of thinking.

finally decided to watch the finals of xing guang competition. and the show was unexpectedly good! i loved the part on kenny G's performance and his impromptu collaboration with xiao pang. that's the true spirit of music; you do not need too many rehearsals, too much preparation work, when you step onto the stage, you're a musician (or a singer) and you just go with the flow of the music.

music, soothes my soul.

was feeling very down today, for god-knows what reason. i shouldn't really be lazing around, coz when i am, i just feel depressed. LOL. workaholic me. didn't have anyone to talk to, since dear went out with her friends and sis went for work.

maybe i'm just a possessive freak, but i just wanted someone there to rant to. didn't have any inspiration to blog today (until now). only had music to accompany me. indeed, music is always there.

the cure to everything, as my blog title suggests.

haiz. this is strange. just randomly depressed. wonder why.

couldn't bring myself to disturb my dear, since she was having fun with her friends and i didn't wanna infect her with my depression bug. kept checking my phone though (compulsive disorder already), and wished for something, something, something to appear, but it didn't.

music, heals, remedies my soul...

the superman who can't fly

2010-05-27T20:52:00.002+08:00

如果超人会飞

那就让我在空中停一停歇

再次俯瞰这个世界

会让我觉得好一些

拯救地球好累

虽然有些疲惫但我还是会
不要问我哭过了没

因为超人不能流眼泪

we fail to realise that the supermen around us have their weak spots as well. even as you think they 'wouldn't mind', 'are capable of doing it', does it ever occur that they have no choice? that if no one does it, no one will do the dirty work?

and who symphatises with them? who understands them? who helps them?

most of us just take them for granted, or simply assume that they can handle it, on the basis that 'oh they have done it before' or 'i'm sure he doesn't mind'.

Supermen, too, need a break. need love, need protection, need the world to understand them, need to be appreciated.

give superman, like jay, a break.

this is weird!!

2010-05-22T22:03:00.002+08:00

weird is the only word i have to describe the performance at kovan today. really really weird. maybe its because my experience in this is lacking, but singing in front of the old folks was really really strange and awkward. lol. although all the performers were youngsters like me (and people approved of my singing! yay!), the atmosphere was just plain...

weird.

lol.

never mind, for the experience=)

maybe i should really think about a holiday job at dragonfly. sounds like a viable option too...

anyway, this song is boomz!!

今晚你想念的人是不是我/A-Lin

是你找到了我
在我的心中刻下了你的承诺
难道你不遵守

思念纠缠着我
闭上眼我就忘了恨你的理由
想起那些温柔
你为什么放开我的双手
我试着体会生命充满各种苦衷

我在黑暗之中寻找幸福的下落

等待原来那颗流星划过我天空
总要在说完再见以后才开始明白爱多浓
今晚你想念的人是不是我

因为绝望所以学会祈求
我也不想让心痛对我予取予求

想要爱到最后的最后
想要和你再一次牵手
除非我背叛我的灵魂
除非我可以假装快乐
除非你忍心放我一个人难过
一无所有我的天空
等你回头 OH NO NO NO~~~

我想念的人 会不会懂...

this song is boomz! arrangement, vocals, everything...is good. hehe. my new idol=P

tired..

2010-05-19T22:23:00.002+08:00

sometimes, a brief separation is all you need, to know how important someone is to you. and this is when i realise how important you are to me.

you're all i'll ever need dear. all i'll ever need =)

------------------------------

hmm...i hate my former boss...she's really...such a goddamn bitch. never mind, maybe god is telling me i should take a break, or focus on other stuffs, or pursue my dreams=) i'll try to, if the opportunities do come knocking...

and i'm damnn tired, after not sleeping the whole of last night at chalet...zzz...and i have to wake at 630 tomorrow! which is wth...tiredd -.-

it's raining...

2010-05-14T14:38:00.003+08:00

it rains...rains, rains and continues to rain...

sometimes it pours when i think about stuffs. stuffs that i force myself to think. but usually it's raining.

how do i stop the flow?

do i get used to waking up in cold sweat, reminded of the same nightmare over and over again? do i get used to it all?

how?

teach me...

how to curb the rain...

原来, 我不是我想像的那么勇敢

the meaning of happiness

2010-05-12T18:53:00.003+08:00

everything going wrong today, falling apart like my life is.

they say that one climbs up after falling, and learning from his mistakes. you've heard it since primary school. but when you do fall, you'll realise how difficult it is to climb all the way up again, especially when you have nobody to give you a hand.

i've never really expected much. all along, my train of thought was study, work and eventually die. why do we study? so as to get a good job. why do we need to get a good job? so that we can live comfortably. why do we want to live comfortably? because that would make us happy and satisfied.

or is it?

would someone really be happy upon finding a good paying job? would someone really be happy upon getting excellent grades?

what's the point? why not just skip to the last part, which is death? why lead a 'fulfilling' life, when you yourself never know what fulfilling entails?

are we all just misguided beings not knowing what actually makes us happy?

i'm really starting to get the picture that the world isn't as rosy as people think it is. it makes just about as much sense as my dad hollering at me when i reached home, for no apparent reason, citing 'a whole day at work' as the reason for his foul mood.

do you remember when was the last time you were really happy? truly happy, and not just happy coz you found a good job, you had a salary increase, you have good grades etc etc. when was the last time you felt like you were so happy you owned the world?

can you really remember? or was there even such a time at all?

lots of people say life sucks, screw my life. me included. but nothing sucks more than the realisation that the happiness everybody is craving for, doesn't really exist.

at least for me...

on another note, job at iras got postponed till 'further notice'. and it was them who hurriedly asked me if i was able to go back to work earlier. now i think they have too many temp staff there. it's typical of her, to raise hopes and to dampen them. disgusting, the way she manipulates people to obtain her ends. even if she has a good reason, have the decency to call and tell directly instead of getting underlings to do the dirty work for you.

very free tomorrow, anybody wants to go out?

2010-05-12T03:37:00.002+08:00

it's strange how so much has changed over the 3 days i was away. so, so much. just when i was feeling liberated after all the fresh air i breathed in at Genting, it's news that i don't want to hear that greets me in Singapore.

because, i don't want it to be goodbye.

how strange too that the last time it was a face to face was when i just fell sick on Friday. Friday...sounds so long ago now...

eons ago.

i just hope, it's not the last time...

Post Exam Sickness...

2010-05-08T15:34:00.002+08:00

realised i haven't posted anything since the end of the exams...oops...been a little busy going out with the important person=)

anyways, exams are over!yay!year 1 down, 3 more years to go before graduation and 40 more years of working... provided i do live that long...but well never mind...take things one thing at a time. be glad that at least this sem's exams are over and take a well deserved break.

the post exam curse is back. for some reason after every major exam i'll just fall horribly sick and unable to play just when i'm relieved of all the stress. sickening. and i just caught the flu, though i'm still going genting tomorrow. will be back by tuesday, wednesday going back to school for voices main comm elections and oweek meeting, thurs going back to work. at iras.

packed huh?

my dear is more busy though=P

not gonna take tuition already, it's too much of a pain though it's a real good money spinner. lol. don't wanna sell my brain and kill what remains of it by teaching tuition. work at iras should be interesting. gotta get all my PR skills and tax knowledge back after a good 1 year absence. haha.

argghhh...sore throattt!!!

last day.

2010-05-04T18:22:00.002+08:00

and so it's the last day!yay!finally here. spent 4 days on this module, reading notes, summaries, textbook, past year papers, tutorials and still not feel prepared. LOL.

tells you what a crazy module this is. they can set any kind of questions, and still won't be able to solve even if you have mugged all the topics like hell.

whatever, just hope everyone feels that way and the famous engineering bell curve does its job.

last paper last paper last paper! grrr...

breaking free...

2010-05-01T11:06:00.003+08:00

life's too short to be stubborn about some things. even things that constitute my beliefs, ideals...things that make me me.

perhaps i should just accept things as they come. instead on insisting for it to happen, or insisting it to be my way. life's just...too short. unexpected things happen, and maybe i should just be thankful i'm alive and kicking and be contented with my life.

or just...that's the way things are shaping up to be. to be contented with your lot, with what you've been bestowed...

trying free from my self-imposed shackles. it probably won't be easy. okay it isn't easy at all. maybe i'll fail. or perhaps i'll succeed. in telling myself it doesn't matter...does it? am i kidding myself?

haha. an absolutely random post. just thinking alot.

sometimes i feel i'm not my own priority. ignoring the niggling feeling that 'this isn't right' that's blaring away in my brain. maybe i can learn to not be so concerned. can i? can i really not be concerned?

life's just too short. regret is too painful a friend to make.

生命尽头反正一场空

Because one must live life to the fullest...

it's ending soon!

2010-04-28T23:28:00.002+08:00

and finally i'm past the halfway mark of the exams. 3 papers down, 3 more to go. yay! it's ending it's ending it's finally ending!

kind of envious of those people who end exams tomorrow after maths paper. lol. i still have like 6 days?? really wth. they had to put cn exam on a super spastic date, though it's kind of good exams-wise to spread it out. but still..... next wed is still eons away -.-

i need to have more confidence in myself...zzz.

time to hit the sheets and mug again tomorrow morning. somehow, i prefer working to studying. so much more enjoyable. at least, don't need to stay up late to study and you can enjoy the rest of the night once you're done at work. grr...shall look forward to the hols...

cynical cynical me.

2010-04-23T22:32:00.002+08:00

明天过后/吴克群

你问我
明天过后又如何
冰天雪地里我们怎么活着

我笑了
笑你太傻又太笨
但自己心中却确定了

我小心抱着你的手就温暖了
睡着或醒着
我的手为你加温
就算明天崩塌又如何
我们手握着
外面天再冷全都有我负责

也许我有时太傻太呆又太闷
甜言蜜语不是我的风格
但请相信
这心从来不会少一分
多嘴的人原来从不会认真...

this song was the theme song for the taiwan release of the movie The Day After Tomorrow. was reminded of the movie when i heard this song... rather sweet lyrics, just wished the singer sung better =S.

feeling very cynical today. went to school early for eg exam. notwithstanding the result of that module, at least the exam for it is over. the only time i'll care about it is when the exam results are released. got back results for Position Paper and Oral Defence. Probably considered an average mark, so i guess the best mark i can hope for it is B+? i have never heard of anybody getting an A+ for eg1413 -.- or is it because that is non-existent? coz if it's so, then statistically speaking it is more difficult to get a good grade for it and hence a cap-downer.

met yuern before the exam, funny as usual =D. was telling me about his impending ICT =P. well, i thank my lucky stars that i (most probably) don't have to go for ICT until the end of my university studies. which reminds me, need to take my IPPT during the holidays...zzz.

And i'm going back iras to work after the exams and after the genting trip =D yay. don't mind going back there again, especially since i don't really need to learn much more (probably brush up on my tax knowledge, abit out of touch). steady source of income, at least?

And there's the main comm selection the day after i return from genting. abit coincidental. wondering if i should apply...hmm.not too sure if i have enough time to spare next sem and next next to warrant a place in the main comm. will decide after the exams i guess. but i think...it's unlikely. i'm interested in performing, probably not so much the planning and logistics part of it. seeing how joel and ko worked for emerge, *shudders*, can't really see myself doing that much for voices.

1 down, 5 more to go. let's get rolling!

it consumes...

2010-04-18T00:33:00.004+08:00

慢慢/张学友

慢慢慢慢没有感觉
慢慢慢慢我被忽略
你何忍看我憔悴
没有一点点安慰
慢慢慢慢心变成铁
慢慢慢慢我被拒绝
你何忍远走高飞
要我如何收拾这爱的残缺

a deeply emo song, but i like it(: very challenging though...=P

staying at home is kinda distracting, especially on sat when my parents and sis are at home...on tv, chat chat...productivity not max at home. may try to study at esplanade library tomorrow...should be fun=)

feeling very sian today. as i trudge through the tons of boring notes, no ray of light lies in front. who, then, to bring a smile to my weary-hardened face?

experience and rage.

2010-04-16T23:44:00.004+08:00

杨宗纬 - 洋葱

如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会发现你会讶异
你是我最压抑
最深处的秘密

如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会鼻酸你会流泪
只要你能听到我
看到我的全心全意

music calms and soothes my soul...=)

had my first experience of singing consecutively for about 1.5 hours yesterday. quite interesting. my stamina's getting better, but the strange thing was the more i sang, the better my condition was. the first few songs were quite horrible -.- . but i challenged myself with a few hard songs, ie. Jay's songs. surprised myself that i could pull it off. haha. maybe it was coz joel lowered the key to a nice comfortable range for me=P. hoho.

travelled all the way to school for a 2hr EG lesson. my least favourite and least confident module. oh wells. pray that whoever's marking my script is lenient, this being the first exam and all. lol.

and i just discovered that i do work faster when i'm hungry and pissed off. super potent combination. a sure-fire way to get me fired up 0.o like today...muahha...if this theory works, african kids should be the cleverest around=P. LOL.

okay i'm talking crap. gotta do stereochem tomorrow, my least favourite part of organic chem. geez...

anyway, the song above is one of my all time favourites. 洋葱, very meaningful. 你会鼻酸, 你会流泪, 只要你能听到我, 看到我的全心全意...

start of the imba week ahead: full throttle!

2010-04-10T08:39:00.002+08:00

finally, no more CAs, and i can concentrate on doing my revision for finals. maybe i've been a little too harsh on myself, keep feeling this need to push harder. and luck hasn't really been on my side recently either -.-

Grr. 2 more weeks 2 more weeks. It's this period that you really want it to be over, but when it comes you feel an unprecedented feeling of dread. Geez, just a random bout of depression...

pre-exam stress

2010-04-07T23:38:00.002+08:00

had oral defence and nation-building in s'pore CA2 today. two in one day -.- i thought OD was fine, just answered the questions posed accordingly. not too sure whether my answer was comprehensive enough, but good enough to get an average grade i suppose.

then had SS test. not sure whether my essay was really answering the question, but i just spammed everything i knew and tried to make it sound like i was answering the question. ah wells. hopefully can get a B+?

2 more weeks to finals. need to concentrate now. focus energy focus energy.

meanwhile, a very nice song...

下雨天/ 南拳妈妈

怎样的雨怎样的夜

怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑才能够有你的体贴

其实没有我你分不清那些
彻别接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

i remember sam recommended me this song some time ago, but didn't really like this song this much till recently. watched an episode of xing guang and got hooked=P.

very meaningful lyrics too. when it's raining, missing someone just gets worse and worse...how true...=P

---------------

though we haven't been spending alot of personal time together, and haven't been going to our favourite haunts, don't worry dear...another 3 weeks=) i just hope that when that time comes, you'll want to spend more time with me instead of with your friends...

i just want this sem to end end end...-.-

Exhaustion

2010-03-26T22:40:00.003+08:00

feeling tired recently. very very tired. feels like so much work to revise, so much to do. one more month plus to go, before a long long break.

sigh. seems like nothing much seems to be going my way lately...bright spots fewer and fewer these days...is it the stress? the weather? or the hunger?

zzz...shall engross myself in work again.

emerge 10

2010-03-14T00:03:00.002+08:00

overwhelming success.

for some reason, everyone was 80% during the tech run (or semi tech run, because we didn't run through everything. i didn't even had a chance to do sound check on my mike before the real thing started. in fact, i didn't practise the song with the band until the real performance at night.) but 110% during the real performance.

normally we practise 100% for rehearsals and try not to let the standard drop too low during the real thing. interesting thing was, we did better for the real thing =O

and those songs that were anticipated to be good was a shade off their best (though it was still good), but there were songs that truly went beyond expectations and beyond. was particularly impressed with 千年之恋 and 我们的故事...totally brought the house down.

wasn't really nervous throughout the course of the concert, even before my songs. we arranged to have a chair in the middle of the stage for 病态, but due to some screw ups, as usual for live performances, it didn't happen. so ben and i just did some impromptu stuff like freezing on stage until it was time for us to sing. lol. actually the impromptu effect is better, i thought=P.

lesson learnt: sometimes it's better not to over-rehearse the performance sequence (i only rehearsed once). unexpected stuffs happen on stage, due to logistic errors, but hey, being a performer is to know how to deal with circumstances too, not just knowing what the plan was. in fact i was quite impressed with ben and myself's innovation=P. the audience obviously didn't know what was the original plan, so we just acted natural, and i thought it was fine.

in fact i enjoyed myself.

after that the nerves were all gone. no fear, no apprehension, just wanted to own the stage. haha.

for my solo song, really didn't expect such a big response from the crowd. proved that my decision to put 童话's chorus before the main song was a good one. after narisa's first intro note and my first half of 童话's chorus, i got some cheers from the crowd who recognised the song, and sang along with me =D. haha. i chose a good intro=D.

and i thought i did the song pretty well. the last chorus was stirring, i think. or at least i made a concerted attempt to make it powerful and full. it's not often that a slow song gets the time of the day at a club like zirca, and certainly not common that it gets cheers from the audience. i was rather taken aback by the audience's reaction; there were people singing along with me! even though i didn't know them.. i like the feeling of singing to a group of people who don't know you and hence they won't be supporting you because you are their friend, but instead supporting you because they appreciate your voice and performance. having a response from a totally foreign audience is far better than from people you know, goes to show if the skill is there anot. kinda cool, coz you don't see this phenomena in s'pore coz we are just too passive.

must thank senior band, the last chorus's arrangement was as powerful as it could be and i built on their power to bring out last part of the song. though jim came in earlier than he should(=P), but i think the last line of chorus that everyone was worried about was not bad. a fitting conclusion=)

can't wait to see the video for my item, want to hear how i did. got some people that came to congratulate me after i completed the song, including joel, so i think it was quite well done? weihao called it 'my moment'. haha. the moment of truth, or the moment of emergence?

the only thing i was worried about was the change in tone, since i was taking over from Super Number One which is a whole different song as compared to mine. fortunately the audience were receptive. boosted my self-confidence significantly=D

in a sense, it was lucky both my songs were in the front, when the audience were still wide awake and more active. and also, could watch the performance from the front! the dance songs were well done, goes to show how much effort they put in. particularly liked 国王王后, it was boomz, quoting joel's initial expectations for them. and their dancing was zai. super zai. very in sync, and it was uber high at the end, fitting conclusion for the production.

and senior band was on form la! super on form...didn't hear any audible mistakes at all...and towards the end, with all the guitar solos, it was high man! i liked the guitarist's interaction with the audience...engaging=D

to put it in perspective, i think it was better than gefang's gethigh production. vocalist and performance wise. for some (weird) reason, everyone was on form...the feeling and audience reaction was superb.=)

till emerge 11 then. but then again, i might not performing again, depends on how packed my timetable is next year. but even so, joel, kee onn and marcus will most likely not be around anymore. the core producers played a huge role in this success, i feel. pushing us to do better (though i wasn't very receptive to it. oops=P), made the overall production a success.

back to lectures and chionging tutorials then. finals are looming=P

murphy...bane of my life.

2010-03-08T00:58:00.001+08:00

dislike being thrown off track by Frag-Os.

throws my mood into chaos. especially at night.

wth.

i hate murphy seriously. screw him.

not so easy...

2010-03-06T23:58:00.002+08:00

不爱孤单一久也习惯
不用担心谁也不用被谁管
感觉快乐就忙东忙西
感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话随便听一听自己作决定
不想拥有太多情绪
一杯红酒配电影
在周末晚上关上了手机舒服窝在沙发里

相爱没有那麽容易每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那麽容易才会特别让人著迷
什麽都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心所以最开心曾经

this song is called 没那么简单 by a seasoned singer from Taiwan. While the lyrics are talking about an elder generation's love story, but i think it applies for everything.

nothing is easy, or rather, not so simple. nothing comes easily in this world, be it money, studies, family, love, and happiness. or maybe i'm just plain depressed. recently, everything that i've done or wanted to do haven't been easy. either lots of effort needed or even if effort is put in, it eventually comes to naught.

in terms of studies, everything seems much harder. when i came into uni, someone told me i'll study until i come to a conclusion that i used to be clever. intelligence and hard work, doesn't necessarily pay off. quoting from jiawei, we don't get rewarded for regurgitating formulas anymore. have i become stupider, or am i just not putting in enough?

luckily i still have friends sharing the same workload as me.(well, not exactly, but it helps to have people knowing your pain.) it isn't really about the amount of time put into it, i realised. alot of things, you get it means you get it, else you won't. and it wun really help even if u spend more time on it.

sad.

music, one of the few things keeping me sane. but even that has been disillusioning me recently. one of the (few) things i dislike about performing is the need to sell tickets for your own performance. it feels like MLM: selling/pushing people your 'product', in this case the performance. don't like the feeling of cajoling my friend to go for concerts. like...using friendship as a chip to coerce your friend into going. cheapens the whole friendship. and being someone that doesn't like to force people against their will...really dislike the feeling. grr. while my passion for singing hasn't diminished, performance desire has been affected.

i'm tired. but i can't stop. i'm only...halfway through=X

2010-03-06T01:26:00.001+08:00

i wonder if you know i worry about you.

i wonder if you'll listen to me and take care of yourself.

i wonder if you know i treasure you more than i do myself.

do you?

i guess not.

random feelings...

2010-03-01T23:59:00.002+08:00

long time since i blogged. busy busy busy. crazy couple of weeks, preparing for midterms, preparing for emerge, and not forgetting, spending precious time together with my dearest.

craziest thing i did was prolly going school at 11pm. yea 11pm. on sat night. band prac at clubroom. sounds crazy, but that was the only choice i had. considering i had two midterms today, obviously i couldnt go for tech run on sun evening. so i spend 2 hours to and fro, and spent 1 hrs there.

crazy?

yea.

but it was fun when it lasted. cool band arrangement, kinda made my night. music, rocks my soul=)

had two midterms today. CN was crazily hard, i think get 60 really very good liao. maths was better, though im kinda pissed over a careless mistake that cost me some marks. sian.

so i have 2 more, one on fri and the other next mon. now need to chiong tutorials for this week, before i lag behind and have to play catch-up. which i abhor. lol.

was feeling very apologetic to my dearest today. coz of some stuff that was my fault.=X i'm sorry dearest, it won't happen again. i promise=) trust me okays?=)

mind over body...

2010-02-22T12:04:00.002+08:00

if there's one thing army taught me, it's that mind takes control over body. no matter how tired physically you are, as long as the mind presses the body to go, you'll go. it's just a simple matter of perserverance and determination actually. whether you possess the mental willpower to push yourself.

maybe its coz i'm somewhat used to pushing myself beyond the limit.

is that a fault?
----------------------

我期待
有一天我会回来
回到我最初的爱
回到童贞的神采

我期待
有一天我会明白
明白人世的至爱
明白原始的情怀

我情愿分合的无奈
能换来春夜的天籁
我情愿现在与未来
能充满秋凉的爽快

say goodbye
say goodbye
前前后后
迂迂回回地试探

say goodbye
say goodbye
昂首阔步
不留一丝遗憾

no regrets. love this song(: its notoriously high-pitched. should contemplate singing it live sumday...if i have the guts=P

sometimes, three days seem like a lifetime...
sometimes, the suffocating walls seem to trap me...
sometimes, i just wanna take a break...but expectations...all those expectations...

life sucks.

2010-02-12T23:23:00.002+08:00

for the past few days, i thought about walking down clarke quay and enjoying the river breeze.

for the past few days, i thought about talking about my pent up frustrations.

for the past few days, i thought about enjoying friday night.

just didn't think i would do it alone.

murphy sucks. seriously. go away, arsehole.

the beginning of better days. or is it?

2010-02-12T08:26:00.003+08:00

end of week 5. end of all the horrible time consuming chem labs. now i have a 2hr day on tues and that's it. yay. and now left only 2 lsm labs before fri becomes a slack day too. yay times two.

next week is recess week cum chinese new year. nus is just downright evil to put midterms immediately after the recess week. on top of having to mug for midterms, still have some assignments whose deadlines are coming up as well. well done. seems like in uni, time is never enough to finish all the outstanding work before a new one pops up. no time to rest, no time to slack, no time to spend with the people most important to you.

sucks.

------------------------------

坏人---方炯镔

容忍的人其实并不笨
只是宁可对自己残忍
既然爱不能恒温
祝福就给你下一个人

你是好人也是个坏人
对我坦承只为了朝他狂奔
不能放任所以放了
这点痛我还能忍

我是好人也是个坏人
分得够狠你才有藉口转身
宁愿爱一点不剩
也不忍看恋人爱成路人

damn nice song, that i forgot and recently just heard again. love the lyrics; makes you ooze sympathy for the singer. i think everyone needs to know when to let go, when to know that letting go is in fact a happier process.

你是好人还是坏人?

2010-02-06T23:22:00.000+08:00

headache. work to do. troubled mind. does it get worse?

onset of depression

2010-02-04T23:43:00.002+08:00

phew. 4/5 of this super taxing week is over. 1 more 9hr day and i'm done for the week. yay. although there's nothing to look forward to during the weekend. weekend seems like the time to do all the lab reports, tutorials and assignments whose deadlines are fast approaching. not to mention the SS CA next wed.

how encouraging.

like its not enough trying to get work done during the weekdays, i have to sacrifice the weekend too. no choice.

haven't had much choice recently. haven't had much optimism recently too. everyday just seems to be such a burden, thinking of what's gonna happen the next day.

i wake up, staying awake thinking of all the stuffs i still have to do, and breathe a heavy sigh. i can't remember the last time i felt happy waking up, thinking its gonna be a GOOD day, without having to rush from one place to another, without having to worry about school, without having to think about work and more work.

haiz.

depression getting serious.

all i can hope is that next week is better. it better be better.

CNY, CNY come quickly... ... ...

smiles, all over my face...

2010-01-31T21:23:00.003+08:00

you have no idea how much it means to me; i was smiling with ear to ear when you said that=). even though it's not confirmed, but...

makes me equally happy. and that's all that matters=)

and i'm sure cny week will be a good week=) intuition.

----------------------------------------

the worst will be over by next week.

2010-01-29T23:20:00.002+08:00

i think in whatever one does, you must have determination and perseverance to see it through. to put in the hard work first, before throwing in the towel early and declaring that it cannot be done. you haven't tried, how do you know it cannot be done?

and to use the no-time factor isn't exactly that valid to me either. so you are the only person who has studies and CCA to juggle?

all in all, it comes down to your mindset, whether you want it to happen or not.

if you don't, just screw off and wallow in your self-pity.

-----------------------------------

i realise i do work MUCH MUCH faster in school. i finished CN1111 and MA1506 tut in school today, although i kind of don't really know how to tackle some of the questions. but as the tutor says, trying and getting it wrong is better than not trying at all. at least, you went through the most important phase: the thinking process.

tasks for this weekend: CM2121 lab report! most important. need to finish by saturday. and do EG1413 tutorial 4 and start on assignment 1.

EG is becoming quite a pain. sitting through 2 hours of that is like sitting through GP in JC. equally, if not more, boring. worst thing is, cannot don't go=X. grr.

next week, week 4, is hellhole of a week. it's THE week in which i have everything. really everything. all my even week tutorials, my even week labs, my chem labs ALL fall on week 4. and i revise my statement on my tagboard; it's 33 hours of lesson next week.

woohoo. wish me luck.

but as i say, if you never try, how you know you won't succeed?=)

culture shock

2010-01-26T21:49:00.002+08:00

first cm2121 lab today. wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. i realise, sometimes it's better to expect the worst, and when in reality it isn't that bad, you feel better. and relieved, that it isn't so shitty after all.

the first part of the experiment was scraped, with the compound given directly to us instead of us synthesizing it ourselves. thank god. i would be at that poorly ventilated, stuffy lab for another two hours if i needed to synthesize cyclopentadiene directly. and already i left the lab at 4pm.-.- aaron (doing expt 1) was still halfway through his experiment when i left.-.-

and most of us have no clue why we are doing what we are doing. IR spectroscopy? NMR? TLC? what the hell? never learnt it before. seems like the chemistry dept and the chem engin dept conveniently forgot that we chem engin students never learnt that in cm1501, which was taught by zhang sheng anyway.

grr..and zhang sheng's reply to our question on how to do the report was epic.

"So if you guys have not learnt IR spectro, don't need to include it in your report. Since you all don't know what it's about also."

hmm. really? so if i get a C for my report, do I complain that it's you who told us to do that?

i think not.

whatever. i'll just do my best and hope for the best.

feel nauseous after the lab as i was heading to central library. maybe breathed in cyclopentadiene and fumaric acid fumes.-.-

haiz. time to chiong report this weekend=X

2010-01-21T19:38:00.002+08:00

feeling sucky. not sure why.

got this sense of impending doom about tomorrow. 10-7. such a cold feeling when i think about it. let's hope everything turns out well.

don't feel like doing anything today, just wanted to vent. for once, even singing doesn't help.=X

...

argh.

musings

2010-01-20T08:47:00.003+08:00

should i stop giving advice? hmm. seems like the conclusion i draw after taking into consideration all the pros and cons of the situation, isn't a very desirable conclusion after all. well, will avoid being a consultant from now on.

sometimes when you are an outsider giving advice, you don't understand the inherent priorities of the person. And what seems the best choice from your objective viewpoint, doesn't necessarily appeal to the person.

now i know.

-------------------------------

had a very interesting talk yesterday evening when i stayed in school to do tutorials. 'learnt' alot of new stuff, or 'intel' as i would call it.

It is amazing how, really, irrational things done can just capture the attention of fellow humans. It's when people think...hmm, why is this happening, that you begin to delve into the whys and how comes of the issue. Unique.

And i'm glad (for lack of a better word) that some of us have a common consensus, or common analysis, of the nature of one. i've had doubts for quite some time, and it's interesting to note that others have been observing the same thing. Flawed character, however, isn't as scary as flawed intent. Reason being, you have no control over your inherent character but you have control over what you do. food for thought. Unique X 2.

and the interesting 'supernova' effect. for the sake of not infringing copyright, i've modified the name slightly=P. i think it's a social phenomena worth pondering about. and it makes sense actually. But it's what happens after the phenomena occurs that's disturbing. will the 'interest' last? when all the attention is gone, when everything dies down, will 'interest' turn into 'disinterest'?

--Don't worry if you don't understand; if you don't, it just means you aren't supposed to know.=P--

1st week.

2010-01-15T23:25:00.004+08:00

and so the first week of school passed. quite relaxing, no tuts, no labs, no eg1413...which amounted to only a few hours of lecture a day.

but i know it won't last. unfortunately, next week lsm lab kicks in, all my tuts except math kicks in, and i'm gonna have an unholy 9hr day next friday.

luckily i did some work during the weekdays, which means i have not a lot to do on the weekends except read up on next week's lecture's and slack.=P was thinking of going out on sun, but since dear needs to rest, i'll prolly just stay at home and do 'useful' stuff like read notes and prepare myself for the week ahead=P

when the going gets tough, the tough gets going...

and so it's time.

在倒數聲中我剩下什麼?

2010-01-11T21:55:00.002+08:00

solution to peeve 1: lecturer says it's an open lab concept. meaning, come at whatever time you want, leave at whatever time you want, just finish the experiment. means i can carry on and do the expt till 2pm on tues, go for lecture, and return to complete it.=P

solution to peeve 2: went to fujitsu repair centre today. the lady said no stock of LCD screens, so they'll call me when they do have stock for me to replace it.=)

蔡旻佑 - 你看不到的天空

我在你看不到的天空
看著燦爛的煙火
這城市孤單的人只有我

沒有誰在乎誰跟誰分手
每個時鐘都繼續轉動
許下你听不到的承諾
流星怎麼不墜落
在倒數聲中我剩下什麼
沒有誰甘心對回憶愛不釋手

但我無力對抗這整個世界的寂寞

我該如何去面對整個世界的寂寞...

nice song=). so-so vocals, but nice melody.

1st day of school; was fine. lecturers for cn and cm seem zai and quite humorous. i'm beginning to like the modules alrdy=)
-----------------------------------------------------------------

recently been thinking about the issue of taking things for granted. for some reason, i've had this weird thought in my head. a storyline. something that goes like this...

'He had no chance.

As the onrushing car blazed past him, his last thought was the beautiful memories he had with her. So treasured, so precious, so... before all conscious thinking was wiped out, and the world became a patch of black.
------------------------
She cradled him in her arms, tears flowing uncontrollably as her mind refuses to register this numbing sight in front of her. It was just minutes before that he bade her farewell, that he told her goodnight, that he kissed her on the forehead.

What a difference a minute makes.

It wasn't until she heard a hair-raising screeching sound of tires and a loud thud that she turned around, and saw it. Something she wouldn't forget, probably for the rest of her life. How could she, as she beheld the man she loved being thrown out 15 feet into the air and landing on the ground with a sickening boom?

As she ran to him, her mind was panicking...'He must be fine, must be fine...'

And yet, she knew it was hopeless.'
-----------------------
decided not to take things for granted anymore. it was as though this vision was placed in my dreams for a reason.

treasure everything you have. man proposes, god disposes. you never know what might happen, no way to predict what is going to come.

if you can make your loved ones happy, why not? if you can make a difference now, why not? better late than never.

better now than never=)

argh.

2010-01-10T21:45:00.003+08:00

Peeve 1: 7hr lab session on tuesdays from 10am-5pm. which clashes with SS lecture. and they only informed us about the lab timings today. good job. how now?=(

Peeve 2: comp is showing signs of crashing. just blanked out today. twice. holy shit. murphy ehh?=P please go away coz i don't like you.

it's when things like these happen that you know school is starting soon. all the shitty things happening all at once=(

fellowship of the orchestra=)

2010-01-03T02:21:00.003+08:00

today went for vjco woodwind gathering...actually the purpose of the gathering was to see mdm wee before she leaves the school for tpjc...apparently she thought long and hard before comign to this decision to leave vj after 11 long, hard years. needed a change in environment, and maybe a fresh start.

i think i agree with her, that it's difficult to stay in one working environment for too long, and 11 years is like omg long!=P. wish her all the best in tpj, which shdn't be too bad, especially if they produce students like andrew.=P

had a long talk about studies, the importance of mandarin, our secondary schools etc etc...very interesting talk, which is too long to put here...had quite alot of afterthoughts about it after going home.

i think my time in VS did make me more mature than i would be if i was in a mixed school. but that's just a conjecture since i was NOT from a mixed school, and who knows, maybe i would have been a better person if i had been. but i feel that being in a all-guys school did make me wisen up to the world we are in. it's like a precursor to army; makes you see through the masks people have and the ulterior motives.

that's how i have this particular 'talent' for seeing through most people.

and i'm increasingly alarmed by the amount of work to be put in next sem. i fear, that i won't be able to spend time doing things that i want to, and instead spend my time immersing myself in the numerous tutorials and lab reports. i fear, that i'll be spending less time with my dearest. i fear......so many things...

i don't want to regret anything. so before this holidays draws to a close next week, i want to make the most of our time. amid all the bidding stuff and worrying about modules to take, i just hope we have some time solely together before all the engin rubbish kicks in again.

hopefully, no regrets.

2010!

2010-01-01T14:39:00.002+08:00

first post of the new year! hoho. so 2009 is over. transition year, separating army from university life. made so many new friends, from iras peeps to university friends, and meeting many old friends that i've previously lost contact with.

overall, it's been a pretty good year. at least, i think i'm more or less where i expected myself to be. actually more=P. unexpected stuff do happen, and fortunately, its the positive kind of unexpected stuff. hopefully, 2010 will prove to be a good year as well=)

spent new year's eve at yan's house eating steamboat and playing bridge and rock band with the EE gang. haha. it was fun, and for me, quite heart-warming. better than going to crowded places and shouting yourself hoarse while squeezing with the tons of people around. or just staying at home and stoning =P

at the same time, held a belated birthday celebration for dearest at yan's place. after some time of meticulous planning and present-making by the EE gang, it was carried out to near perfection. the only non-perfect thing? not enough cake on her face=D. oops!=P

and the Z monster figurine was huge! lol. taller than her=P. and some kids were staring and pointing at it while we were on the train. quite funny lol.=P

hope you enjoyed your birthday this year, dearest. next year will be better=)

went out with s21 peeps on the 30th. i laughed so much my stomach muscles got cramp=P. LOL. from burning chopsticks to observing global warming in candle wax, to cam-whoring along clarke quay, to finding subtle ways to ask about 'forbidden fruit'...i just laughed and laughed.

good friends are hard to find, and even harder to keep. treasure them, for you may never find another like them again.=)

does the winner take it all?

2009-12-28T10:49:00.003+08:00

The winner takes it all---ABBA

The gods may throw the dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain?

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny...

such a nice song, so true too...the winner takes it all, the loser standing small. that's the natural order of things isn't it? can't be helped...

but to me, what's important is to not take for granted what you have now. it's a blessing, and a gift, to have people around you that care. it isn't a right. in fact, whoever's above always have a way of telling people that it ISN'T a right, by taking things away when it matters the most. a not-so-gentle reminder, just when we start to get complacent.

treasure everything you have. because regret is a terrible friend to make...

life's like that; one second you may feel like a winner, but how long does it really last? or rather, do you really think you are a winner? and vice versa, do you really think you have lost?

i don't know. because i've never really lost something i've felt is extremely important. and i don't wanna know.=X

but i feel, you wouldn't really have lost everything, unless you have given up on yourself. you can lose your wealth, your friends, your loved ones, but what you have left, is always yourself. trust yourself, trust that you can overcome all obstacles in front of you by yourself. because you have never really lost totally, unless you have given up on yourself.

it may seem too idealistic; how many people can claim to be so strong to stand up again after failures?

but do you have a choice? when left by yourself, do you actually have a choice, except to stand up again, and tell yourself, you must do it?

stand up and fight. because you know you must.

And all i want for X'mas..is you=)

2009-12-26T12:21:00.003+08:00

feeling blessed, feeling joyous, feeling happiness like never before this festive X'mas=)

thank you, for being you=).

because you mean the world to me=)

back to basics

2009-12-23T13:11:00.003+08:00

so results release was yesterday. everything was quite expected, though some that i thought i had screwed up i did quite okay, while the one i thought i did well didn't exactly get the grade i wanted. but oh well. everything balances out.

so we look forward to next semester. where i should be taking 6 mods. hmm...just checked it out on the timetable builder. it is actually feasible! since the SS mod i'm taking has only one 2hr lecture per week and no tutorials...looks fine to me. with some luck, i'll only have one lesson on tues=)

hopefully, murphy doesn't strike.=P
------------------------------------

so sem 1 is over! with the release of results, we can draw the curtains on the bridging semester where i attempted to ignite my brain after 2 or more years of inactivity. and the cultural shock of university is officially over too. gotten used to school all over again, gotten used to studying, gotten used to having cca activity, gotten used to... everything=)

therefore i think everything will just get better.

full steam ahead.

think will be busy next sem...6 modules, with the planning for emerge concert, with the practising for the concert itself. and of course, most importantly, spending time with my dear=) it all boils down to time management, and i'm sure everything will work out. it will=)
-----------------------------

was listening to 方炯镔's newest album last night. an album solely dedicated to singing other singers' popular songs, and honestly speaking, his rendition arguably surpassed all the predecessors. the first time in a long while in which i thought ALL the songs in anyone's album were worth listening to. listened to it repeatedly, and the 'touching' feel still remains. impressive. i felt so at peace listening to it last night that i fell asleep listening to it.=P just very impressive vocals, no unnecessary techniques, simple acoustic accompaniment.

very touching=). singing, back to basics.

i respect such singers, because they don't command as much media attention as the so called bigwig idol singers, but they certainly sing much better than the show luos, fahrenheits, jolins. yet they continue to put in effort to express the sort of music they love, to bring this music to their audiences. it doesn't matter if you don't look real good on stage, if you can't dance, just possess the purest voice to touch hearts. that's all that's required of a good singer.

and that's what i aim to do.

猜心---方炯镔

这样的夜
热闹的街
问你想到了谁紧紧锁眉
我的喜悲随你而飞
擦了又湿的泪与谁相对...

originally by 张宇. but this singer makes it sound tons better =p.
---------------------------

fri, sat and sun are all special days. hope you'll enjoy them as much as i think i will.=)

vivace!

2009-12-20T01:14:00.003+08:00

went for vivace at st james today. it was not bad, really. quite well done. the song rundown was smooth, the singing was not bad and the ending was excellent=D. really a case of, so-high-that-we-didn't-care-about-the-singing-anyway kind of ending.

the last 3 songs were done with alot of energy, it was as though the performers were willing the audience to stand up and dance with them. but singaporeans being singaporeans(myself included), have this weird penchant to just stare stoically even though singers/performers are trying their best to make us high.

A for effort though=P

the new singers were not bad, except for the occasional off-key and forgetting of lyrics, which can probably be attributed to nerves. and khim and zhiyang were good as usual. overall, a rather good concert=). if emerge can be done like that, i would consider it a success actually=P

and, so weird, although there were many girls wearing 'interesting' clothes(really quite interesting=P) and all wearing makeup, i didn't really look at them. i was more inclined to look at this rather charismatic and shuai guy on stage=P. oops. but no kidding. my first impression was,' wow.he can be an artiste already'. just that he has the ability to capture attention.

impressive. when can i learn that skill?=P

Disclaimer: the last time i checked, i was still straight.=D

it's a sad, long journey to take alone..even just for a day..

2009-12-16T11:45:00.003+08:00

reached home at an unholy timing after voices meeting in school yesterday. a 14 hour meeting. omg. mentally draining=P. had to decide 27 songs for emerge next year and more importantly, who to sing what, taking into consideration all the preferred song genres, the suitable genres that the vocalist can sing, suitable pairings, suitable vocal range, whether the vocalist can dance, act sexy...etc etc.

so many considerations, so many possible combinations, some of which may be potential screw-ups during emerge.

i think the voices peeps, if anyone is reading this, have to really thank joel and marcus. for the pure effort and hard work put in. and the faith they have in the vocalists. hopefully they can really pull it off, else it'll be a waste of effort discussing endlessly yesterday.

i think i'm like the bad guy in there, with jim. in order not to compromise standards, i would rather axe people, then to find them a song for the sake of giving them a bit part in the concert. maybe i'm just more hard-hearted than joel, yanjia and winnie.=P

but hopefully, just hopefully, the decisions we made are correct and everything works out =P. else...joel's gonna have a major headache in the buildup to the concert =X.

and i'm happy with my part=D. very happy. one song, no more, no less. i don't think i would be able to cope with 2 or more anyway. perfect=)

and it's day 2 of cycle 2 this week. a necessary evil, but very torturous. voices distracted me yesterday, but what to do today? i predict, my mood will just keep going downhill today.

murphy strikes back...

2009-12-15T17:40:00.003+08:00

after deliberating for so many days on where to go on tues, eventually i went for voices meeting in school. for the past few days,i have been thinking which one to go for: voices, sentosa with the oweek peeps and iras outing.

in the end fate decided for me. how ironic eh, when you spend quite some time fretting over which one to go, murphy strikes and it's decided by the forces above =P

to my dear: it's okay. we can have all the time to spend when you get well okays?=) remember the christmas period? =) and cycling, we can do that anyday too =)

get well soon, dear...

coz baby i wrote this, i wrote this, for you...

humming a love song...

2009-12-13T19:06:00.003+08:00

哼情歌-徐佳莹

在无关紧要的场合都会想起这首歌
是因为你曾经哼唱着
再平淡无奇的眼神都会想起你呢
是因为我曾被你凝望着

我只好夜夜哼情歌是因为她拥着你了
不想往事因为你们背影而毫无气色了
是不是还爱着你呢所以我心还在跳动着

还有什么舍不得也只能哼情歌

was shuffling my music player in pure boredom today and was reminded of this song. the lyrics is only 2 paragraphs long, but... for some strange reason, i felt so touched. the title of the song literally means humming a love song, and the composer says this song was written based on a tune that her ex used to hum. the lyrics were short and simple, but the part that caught me was a part of the song that the singer hummed the tune instead of singing any lyrics.

so melancholic, so despairing, so...

sad.

sometimes, tunes by itself carry so much emotion, that having lyrics just seems surplus. this is a good example...

are you a liar gamer?

2009-12-12T12:38:00.003+08:00

the last few days passed by soo quickly, didn't really have time to blog about it =P. apart from spending time with my dear, have also been going back to school for voices meetings/auditions and some courses. and watching liar game=D. which i'm currently addicted to=P.

it's actually quite fun to sit in for auditions, because you can see how people sing under stress. okay maybe not alot of stress, but auditioning/singing in front of a crowd is always stressful. and the ideas they have for the performance are quite interesting too=P. next up will be choosing songs for the actual performance, which i'm sure will be a slow and painful process =X. maybe one/two days of meetings before everything is decided?

for there to be a good show, there must first be meticulous planning eh? think that's quite true.

watched one episode of liar game and got hooked=P. but the purpose behind the game is true, isn't it? humans can be conniving and deceitful when they want to. to lie, to hide oneself's true nature to win/earn something. only, in liar game, the consequences of losing is too great and players find themselves having almost no choice but to resort to lies and betrayal to avoid running up debts. currently watching season 2=D. probably go on to other manga when i'm done.=D

looking forward to christmas, or rather, the christmas period=) but before that, we all have to get through Judgement Day =X. THE judgement day. but nvm. will think about it in 10 days time. of which the next 6 days, i think, will seem long and dreary. i wonder...

maxing out the happiness index...

2009-12-06T10:40:00.003+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MASb0FWPZZ4

watch the above link; mariah carey at her best=) in case anyone's wondering, she isn't lip synching; her recorded album song doesn't sound like that. she sounds better live=P. the album version doesn't really do justice to her voice.

other random notes: was watching the heat vs lakers game last afternoon. the lakers, with kobe, exemplify what it means by don't give up until the last moment. down 5 points with 20 seconds remaining, fisher hits a three, bringing the score to 107-105. before kobe does what he does best, making a clutch three pointer at the buzzer over wade. WALAO. i was watching with my mouth open. that guy is super zai man. buzzer beating three pointer, evading a double team, making a clutch shot and leading his team to victory.

wicked=)
----------------------------------------------------

i woke up to a beautiful day today. as i laid awake while lazing on the sofa, i recollected all the sweet memories of these 2 days=) probably the happiest 2 days of my life...=)

how interesting eh, the hands of fate? from how we met, to how we got to know each other, to how we got together...so coincidental, so precious, so treasured=)

so memorable=)

salvation!

2009-12-03T01:18:00.002+08:00

finally, the semester came to an end when dr khan said,' Put down all your pens!' at 7pm sharp today. though this 3months didn't seem very long to me. it wasn't very long ago that i went for oweek and started school. maybe it was the general pace of life in uni. rushing to do this, hurrying to complete that...that time just flew past. and in no time, exams were here and the end of term came around.

i can't say i accomplished alot academically wise this sem. more like a warm-up sem after my dormant brain went into hibernation during the 2 years of NS. i did my best, and i can say that whatever results come along, i got it with hard work.

made alot of new frens, the EE gang, andrew, reason, yan, rachel, jason etc etc...CSP gang, edwin, aaron, johanan, songhoe etc...saw lots of 'old' frens from army and JC...new friendships forged and old friendships revived.

of course, not forgetting the special someone=). for a period, i wondered what would have happened if i hadn't joined orientation, hadn't met you...the work of fate, as always, is intriguing. somehow, somewhere, the forces above decided that i should meet you, fall in love, and make me the happiest guy around. thank you, for being there. because you complete me.=)

and my decision to join a CCA i was truly interested in was well justified, i think. met friends, who, like me, have a strong interest in singing. and distracting me from the (very) mundane ritual of tutorials and lectures. what's the fun in uni if your sole purpose is to mug hard and get your degree? you have to enjoy life, while at the same time, putting in the effort to get your degree.

7 semesters to go, before i leave the realm of education and delve into the workforce. follow the tried and tested formula. maybe i'll eventually fulfill my ambition to be a doctor, maybe not. it has and will always be my ambition to be one, but reality is cruel. and often more cruel to me than others. that's why i treasure everything that i have now. i realise, i always seem to take the hard way, rather than the path more often trodden. to realise things the hard way, to do things the hard way, runs you through the mill and make you stronger, but it does make you weary. weary of what else is to come, what else can be thrown at me.

and i can only hope everything is smooth-sailing from now on.

sounds emo? i'm not. really. just some reflections and things to muse over.

as i was discussing with friends tonight my plans for the hols and next sem, i find, maybe i'm planning too far ahead. one step at a time, because things tend not to turn out the way you expect them to. murphy's law. i think, i shall wait for my sem 1 cap before deciding on what to do next sem. i plan, but i prepare for the worst.

i have lots of things to look forward to this month, many of which include my special one=). with her, everything just seems brighter and i think more optimistically. perhaps, she is the reason i forge on...

my hand is always there, for whenever you wish to hold it. for the warmth of your hand, warms my heart...

planning ahead...

2009-11-29T21:02:00.005+08:00

Spent the past few days mugging. haiz. whatever the result of the exams, i can say i tried my bestest already. when a chim paper comes along and kills everyone, it actually makes you wonder what's the point of studying. but we still have to try right? to me, it's better knowing you made an effort trying then to die knowing you deserved it. feels way better. come 22nd Dec, whatever the university throws at me, at least i can say i did try my best.

and that's what matters.

3 days 3 papers. when just about everyone else has 1 paper left. either that or in holiday mood already. can't wait for this to be over. but i have this perennial ability to fall sick immediately after major exams. hopefully not this time round. i have lots of things to accomplish, like downloading new games into my (mouldy) psp, hang out with the veejay gang, plan for emerge concert next year. and of course, spending time with my special one =)

so all signs point to me NOT getting a job during this less than a month hols. still wondering if i should. if i do, i'll rather go back property tax and pick up calls, since i can take flexi-leave and still earn my keep.=P

hmm. planning for next sem. will probably overload if my cap this sem is good enough. 4 core + eg1413 and SS i think? think its the only sem where it makes sense to overload, because sem 3 onwards i'll be really really busy. and next sem, i'll be juggling 6 mods with voices stuff. well done. i'll give it more thought and decide before school starts next sem.

the roof-top feels different when it's you i'm with. before, i have always appreciated the view alone. now...i have you=)

2009-11-25T21:02:00.002+08:00

哭过就好了---梁文音

不喜欢怀疑什麽
并不表示我没有感受
看你微妙的变化慢慢不同
我不是生气只是心痛

最讨厌被误会了
但越解释越觉得难过
你可以说人会变但不能说
你会这麽做是我的错

哭过就好了伤都会好的
这样相信所以深呼吸著割舍
爱是为了拥抱为了牵手
不是为了争吵为了调头

哭过就好了痛都会走的
记忆有限所以它会淘汰坏的
失眠听歌想念虽然苦涩

还是谢谢你让我长大了...

3 more to go, wanna get out of this wretched vicious cycle.

the end is near...

2009-11-22T16:24:00.003+08:00

and it all starts tomorrow.

1.5 weeks more, and freedom is upon us. i have so many things to do, so many unaccomplished tasks, so many things that i have thought of, but just didn't have the time to carry them out.

many of which include you. or rather, things that only the two of us can accomplish together=).

can't wait.

because of this, i'm motivated.

because of you i'm motivated=)

random blabberings...

2009-11-17T02:19:00.002+08:00

it helps to know that someone, somewhere, under this vast blue sky, is thinking of you too(:

hmm. seems like everyone is stressed out over finals. i hear of people staying overnight in school to study till 6am (-.-), people planning to go without sleep studying (=.=) and hard core people already chionging all the past year papers (==.==).

while i'm also feeling the heat, sometimes, more haste, less speed. time is of essence, but falling sick during this period would significantly reduce efficiency, and lessen work done.

and to you: don't worry about the future, especially over things that will not, shall not and cannot happen. Concentrate on the task at hand, but don't overwork yourself. Because nothing is more important than a healthy you=)

3 weeks, and the long-awaited end is near...

2 days an eternity...

2009-11-14T22:24:00.003+08:00

such a long long two days...

filled with studying, doing papers, revising and missing someone.

wonder who eh?=P

on friday i recalled the days when i was still alone. studying alone, going to lectures and tutorials alone, eating alone. don't like it at all. the feeling of talking to myself. argh. weird=P.

but i'm not longer alone. and i'm thankful. so very thankful=)

three weeks to the end of term. can't wait...

the first, the one and only=)

2009-11-10T11:46:00.004+08:00

第一次---光良

第一次
我说爱你的时候呼吸难过
心不停地颤抖

第一次
我牵起你的双手失去方向
不知该往哪儿走

那是一起相爱的理由
那是一起厮守

第一次吻
你深深的酒窝想要清醒
却冲昏了头

第一次你
躺在我的胸口
二十四小时没有分开过

那是第一次知道天长地久...

hmm. one of my all time favourite songs. during genesis recital, this song was the opening song by cheeyang, super emo, super smooth, super nice. pity i don't have the video of that=P

well well. these days, been mugging hard for finals. can't say i'm extremely on schedule, but at least i understand 90% of the stuff i'm going through. seems like back to JC all over again, only thing slightly less stuff to memorise=P.

for engineering students, time is like never enough. too much stuff to study, too many reports to submit, too many things to plan...they say you can differentiate an engin student and an arts/biz student from the size of their eyebags=X. seriously. no joke.

i've always been a conscientous time-planner, coz i know, failing to plan is tantamount to planning to fail. for now, spending time with dearest and studying is a joint first, everything else comes after that. including watching tv and surfing the net =P.

okays, back to my organic chem and the love-hate relationship with alkenes, hyperconjugation and Wittig's reagent=X.

a subtle expression or action tells a million words. And those million words can be summarised into three =)

a new dawn

2009-11-07T15:53:00.003+08:00

thank you, my friends, to everyone who wished me happy birthday =) really touched=)

it has been a memorable year, finally exiting from the slavery known as SAF, going to work at iras, going back to school. met so many new frens, did so many new things, learnt so much new information. this past year has been really action packed, to say the least.

the most important event of which occured about 2 months earlier. maybe its the hands of fate, maybe its just pure good luck, that i met you. you, who has, still is, and is going to, change my life.

for once, i'm looking forward to the future with trepidation. refound my vigour to live my life to the fullest. we carry on, happy or sad, but now with the added assurance that you have me by your side, and i have you next to me.

it's a beginning of a new dawn. on the day i reach 21 years of age, i begin a new journey...one that i hope will always include you =)

a memorable day

2009-11-04T01:10:00.003+08:00

so this is how it feels like to celebrate a birthday=)

too long have i not had a proper birthday celebration to remember how it feels like to be pleasantly surprised and feel so loved by friends. last year, at this time, i was still preparing my GPMG for the morning BIC shoot. two years ago at this time, i was still crawling around in some taiwan jungle, desperately homesick and tired of all the army nonsense. three years ago, on my birthday, i had a maths and biology A level paper on the same day. four years ago.....

so this year, is a memorable birthday for me. in more ways than one.

because this year, i have you=)

i was told today was jennie's birthday, so went to celebrate. didn't expect it to be a red herring for my surprise birthday instead. (although we did go to celebrate hers as well later. feel quite bad for like 'tricking' her=X) i only realised it was for me when during the happy birthday song, they started singing my name=P. then came the presents and the card.

oh yes. the card.

to me, the card, although not very valuable or very beautifully done ( the emblem of l'pool rox, reason!), it is the most precious of all the presents i received today. because of what they wrote, i could feel their heartfelt wishes and sincerity. that beats any material presents that i will receive=)

thank you, my friends. really liked it=)

my 21st, the most memorable yet.

many more to come in future? i hope so=)

同手同脚---温岚

未来的每一步一脚印
踏着彼此梦想前进
路上偶尔风吹雨淋
也要握紧你的手心

未来的每一步一脚印
相知相惜相依为命
别忘记之间的约定

我会永远在你身边陪着你...

for you =)

miniconcert 2009...and the aftermath.

2009-10-31T00:43:00.002+08:00

sound makes or breaks a gig. just proved that theory tonight.

the sound was rather bad, with feedback and loud screeching noises occasionally. marcus was trying his best, let's give him the credit he deserves, but still, it was bad. at least the first half was. the MCs (me included) had to come up with random fillers to prevent the audience from going to sleep while the band prepared itself. mostly it was xianyou and wang qian doing the random talking, while me and grace just stoned.=.=

feel quite bad. especially later when kee onn and judson came to speak to me and wang qian on the principles of hosting. hmm. lots to improve on. maybe the effort from me just wasn't there tonight. was disturbed by the very bad sound system and couldn't find my energy to engage the audience. well. never mind. it was a sombering experience=X.

my song was fine, for once, throughout the whole night, there was no feedback from the speakers. though i couldn't really hear myself on stage, i was told by seniors that my voice kinda overpowered kaili's and they couldn't really hear kaili's voice. kinda apologetic. i was surprised by my own 'relaxness' before the song. no nerves, just tiredness. and i thought i did justice to the song=)

after the whole thing ended (with xianyou prancing around on stage like a crazed man; it was good mind you. meant it in a good way, though both their voices cracked. LOL. super hilarious. crack at the same note summore=.=), they called for a debrief, and said a whole lot of things expected for a debrief. 'you all did well','but can improve','thank you all for the effort','i thought it was good' etc etc. to be honest, to be a good leader, after every concert/performance/recital, you have to say that to your groupmates because they did put in the effort to do well.

whether it is truly that way remains to be seen. sometimes, results not equals effort.

and i'm program head for emerge 2010. means more busy, busy stuff to do. luckily ben's program head too, so i suppose we share the workload?=P haha.

till emerge next year=)

myeverything.

2009-10-29T11:05:00.003+08:00

Everything---王力宏

Cause You're My Everything
就一个原因
让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你Everything
不管用多少个明天
永远从此刻开始算起

你的爱是我的Everything...

=)

the dilemma

2009-10-27T00:11:00.007+08:00

today was a good day in general, for reasons that some people will know why=P.

thought quite abit today...

i realise, as i got older, the driving force pushing me to succeed changed. when i was in sec sch and jc, i wanted to do well for my parents, for my future, for my lofty ambitions to be a doctor. when i first entered uni, i told myself, i'll do well for my parents, and ultimately, for myself.

And now, i tell myself, i'll do my best for my parents, myself...and for you =).

for you are one of my driving forces now=)
------------------------------------------------------

i've never believed in allowing problems to disappear by itself. because problems tend to get more severe if left untreated. this time, it's not me not wanting to solve the problem. it's because someone's holding me back, telling me to wait awhile longer, maybe he'll think it through and decide that it's not worth it.

given the choice i would have approached the person in question long ago and thrashed things out, face to face, man to man. but i haven't. because, he's my good friend. i don't wanna hurt him, because i know it's not his fault. i know, because i've seen too many examples, and i know it's hard to extricate yourself from everything.

but you have to try.

no matter how painful it may be. trust me: short pain better than long pain =X

i still extend my hand of friendship to him, should he decide to take it. i really hope he takes it, cause he's been a good fren, and i really don't want this to compromise our friendship.

but some things still have to be done, a necessary evil =X. be it for me, for her or for him...it eventually, has to be done...

walk on...

251009 the turning point=)

2009-10-26T01:59:00.006+08:00

went for tuition and voices today. was quite tired at the end coz i was hosting the whole show and had to keep talking. after that wasn't nervous for my own song at all. and i don't think i sang the song very well. partially coz of the band, partially coz of the sound system, partially becoz i didn't feel fully confident. heck. singing is about being happy=)

of coz that's not the point of this entry.

i'll remember today forever. 251009. i've not felt so happy and exhilarated in a long long while. As i waited with bated breath for her reply, i wondered if this could be it. the beginning of something new. the beginning of something, which i feel, might be for a lifetime.

I'm glad that you trust me so much. Be assured I trust you the same way, and even more, if that's possible. The future's uncertain, but i'm sure we can walk on together, sharing each others' burdens, worries, unhappiness, happiness, joy...

there was a period where i thought i couldn't trust anyone anymore. but you brought me back to where i am now. thank you, mydearangel. i really appreciate it.=)

for you brighten my life, like nobody can...

P.S.: As i read and reread what you sent me, another wave of happiness came crashing over. It mattered alot to me. Really(: I told you i don't remember what i did for you because i did it from the bottom of my heart, because i simply thought it was the right thing to do. And i'm glad i did what i did=).

mydearangel

2009-10-23T22:50:00.007+08:00

so many things to remember because so many things happened today. let's start from sequence.

i woke up at 6 plus due to a weird dream i had last night=.= then decided i couldn't sleep anymore and decided to blog. that entry is locked, at least until when i think it should be released. and to the right person too.

went to school for math tutorial followed by performance at yih. 10 minutes before the show, my emotions were turning from emo/sadness to happy/giddiness =X. shall not elaborate. but suffice to know that my mood was visibly lifted. thank you, for letting me know =)

the sound system was still quite bad today. my first 2 songs were sung with me not hearing much of the music and i certainly couldn't hear myself.=.= but i thought 专属天使 and 记得 was okay. especially 专属天使. i could see marcus's expression when i DIDN'T do zy's version of 记得. so funny. he was looking at me expecting me to do the falsetto adlib, then when i didn't, he smiled. LOL. hilarious=D. and marcus nodded at me when i was doing 专属天使, and i could hear myself quite clearly, so i thought it was prolly the best song of the lot. maybe because i felt it was the most important song of the lot too?

if i was a little braver, maybe i would have made some comment while singing 专属天使. to talk about the 天使(angel) around me now=) but i wasn't. so maybe next time?=)

went for all the lectures including the utterly useless MLE one where the prof was squeaking to the freaking wall and no one could hear what he was saying. this kind of lecture is classified under the 'go home read textbook then understand' kind of lecture.=.= seriously. gawd what is NUS thinking??

went voices for a while, went through the band arrangement but kaili wasn't around so it wasn't very productive. went back after awhile to meet requiem and reason=)

-------------------------------------------------------------------
专属天使---Tank

要不是你出现
我一定还在沉睡
绝望的以为
生命只有黑夜

没有谁能把你抢离我身旁
你是我的专属天使
唯我能独占
没有谁能取代你在我心上
我有一个专属天使
我哪里还需要别的愿望...

very nice song. never had the courage to try singing this, because it gets too high at the back and there is a technique i need to use that i haven't mastered. but today i altered it and made it sound like me =)
-----------------------------------------------------------

I just want to see you happy. If you feel that it's your fault, don't. Because it was never your fault to begin with. And because I'm only happy if you are.

events and reflections...from the bottom of my heart.

2009-10-22T23:11:00.002+08:00

did a short gig today at yih square. just two songs. didn't think i did it very well. the sound system didn't exactly catch my voice very well, so the sound coming out wasnt very gd too=X. but hey, every performance is a new learning experience. at least now i know how i must project my voice when singing outdoors =). and in a hot environment with no ventilation=.=

hopefully tomorrow will be better. don't think i'll try the same thing i did today; far too crazy for a live performance, and too risky. LOL=X. will just treat it like a normal singing session...

no stress=)

then went for lectures before settling down to do some work. and work i did. one full math tut in 1hr(personal best record=P) plus abit of mle. quite happy wif my productivity=)

---------------------------------------------------------

life is a chore when u have nothing to look forward to. look forward to what? finals? lab reports? lectures? it's just hard to keep sane. i think i know the rationale for MOE implementing compulsory CCAs in sec sch and JC; to keep students sane. if everyday was just lecture, tutorial, lab day in day out, i wouldn't have survived school =.=

for me, the most significant motivation now is a someone. you have no idea the impact you have on me=). many a time tiredness and frustration kicks in when i can't do something, the thought of you calms me down. and brings a faint smile to my face. my sis used to ask why am i smiling to my laptop screen; am i crazy?

she couldn't be more right=)

now, of course, there's voices. previously i used to sing to vent my frustrations. somehow singing is my way of relieving stress. it still is. they say that the way you sing, the way you express your emotions, the amount of emotion you put in your singing, is tantamount to your experiences.

how true. i've learnt how to put emotion in, maybe because i have undergone quite alot of it myself. sometimes, it's not a bad thing to undergo troubles.

because problems make you grow. and lets you know who you are as a person. make you realise, what's most dear to you.

to begin the journey of discovery, you must first discover yourself...

the little bright sparks in life

2009-10-21T00:01:00.003+08:00

天使忌妒的生活---曹格

真的什么都别说
彩虹正在消失
我们赶快捕捉

以后的以后再说
你安静的眼神
也有一种节奏

Love is a beautiful thing
多美丽多难得
Love is a wonderful thing
就是那么爱你
什么都想为你
爱是一种毒瘾
正在发作

你知道我爱你
会爱到很久
甜蜜不必急着说
慢慢享受
连天使都忌妒的生活...

fantastic song=). from gary's previous album. his latest was horrible=.=

hmm. have been quite busy recently, trying to do and compare answers for lab reports. grr. and loads of notes to study too=X. haiz. schoolwork is depressing.

needed a spark, any spark from someone, something, some event, to brighten up my life. one is coming, one has always been there=)

and i hope that spark continues on...

the most happy night i've had in a long long time(:

2009-10-18T02:58:00.005+08:00

sis said dad reads my blog. oookay. lol. i asked her what's wrong with that, and she said 'i'll feel insecure if dad's reading my blog.' hmm. i don't see anything wrong with dad reading my blog, if he really does. i don't write discriminating stuff here, and neither do i rant about my family here.

anyone who's interested in my life can visit. no holds barred(:

-------------------------------------------------------------
i went to school for internal evaluation today. had the semi-exciting job of being one of the emcees of the event. which meant i had to go up on stage about every 10 min and so no time to do my work=.= but nvm. more on that later.

then came the performance with kaili. i thought it was not bad. the three judges concurred that both me and kaili have nice voices and tonal quality and what not and that the thing lacking now is chemistry. and stage presence. they said, 'the guy is trying his best to bring the girl out but the girl doesn't really care...' well. i don't think that it's very fair to say that. kaili was trying her best already; that much i could see. she's tense and nervous, to be expected of a first time performer. i was worse when i first performed. experience changes everything, and unfortunately, experience doesn't come easy. you have to try, fail and try until you succeed before you gain this intangible thing known as experience.

but no matter. i'll try to bring her out more next time. singing wise shouldn't be a problem, coz i engineered it=D oops..sounds abit bhb huh?(: but i engineered it, and marcus and joel thought it was nice, so i suppose it's good?

then was called up on stage during the workshop by the teacher. sang ji de. so coincidental. he asked me to sing the song i'm singing next week. LOL. i thought my version was okay, but the key was a tad low, so didn't get to express myself that well. but surprisingly the teacher said it was not bad=X. okay. my standard abit too steep?oops.

next fri will be the ultimate challenge. i don't think i'm gonna copy cheeyang's improvisation, since many many many people have voiced their disagreements over this obvious plagarism. probably because only cheeyang does this, it's like patented for him only=X. but i can create my own improvisation, which wouldn't be as impressive as cheeyang's, but i can sing in 2 keys below a*mei's original key. that's qt hard actually. test the stability of my falsetto.

i believe i have a video of cheeyang singing ji de on my blog. think its one of the first few entries of my blog. during genesis recital.=)

then i came home and started chionging tuts and reports and essays and what not.
i have:
1) GEK essay
2) Alkynes tut(due wk 11, but heck, do first)
3) Alkenes additional qns
4) Matlab lab 8
5) Read up on MLE text for 4 chapters.
hopefully i can finish mostly all by tmr. should i go for tuition? hmm. i wonder.

watched l'pool fall to lowly sunderland without torres, gerrard and a host of other players. well. can't say i didn't expect that. the way they lost was shitty too. for more info read sunday times tomorrow. confirm alot of talk on that.

but what made me happy to the extent of still being awake at this nocturnal hour of 3am is none of the above. shall not elaborate here. no promises were made, no untrustworthy declarations were said. just plain heart to heart talk. and that is really enough for me(:

at that instant, we were happy. we laughed. we joked. we had friendly banter. we gave ourselves a reprieve from the mundane school work. we chatted. i appreciate it(:

uncertainty is just a verb. humans tend to have periods when they are unsure on what is their next step, what is to come, what is to be done. i've come across a few of such points. i can't say i dealt with them in the best possible method, but i step back. i think. i weigh the options. i make a decision. i forge ahead. even if it happens (touch wood) to be the wrong decision, you know you have thought through it seriously.

i can't tell you to think with your heart or your brain. both, to my knowledge, are equally untrustworthy=.= most of the time, it's a mixture of both. but this time, the normally rational me thought using my heart. rarely have i done so. hence i trust it (:

but then again, that is for the murky future ahead. as much as i wanna talk about it, it is simply not practical now.

for now, tonight (17 Oct 2009) is sufficient.

the happiest and most 'content' night i've had in a long long while=)

P.S.: for this entry, try not to tag=X. i wanna keep this memory as well. you can tell me what you wanna say on msn, in person, on FB, by msg. Appreciate it=D Thanks(:

P.P.S.: for those people who have read all the way to the end of this rather long entry, the performance is on fri about 1230hrs at yih square. behind s'pore post. come if you are free. watch me either spectacularly succeed or spectacularly fail =X think its a 9:1 chance. using Navier-Stokes equation, i calculated it and i think, if i eat breakfast on that day, it'll be a 19:1 chance. of course, that is assuming eating breakfast is a fixed variable........................=D

mine or his?

2009-10-17T01:42:00.001+08:00

i always thought i was right to insist on doing it my way. sometimes it helps to have friends give their opinions.

i think they're right. it would literally be like copying what he does, and as xianyong said,'once you start to copy and imitate, you have lost.'

hmmm.

i was thinking since it was bizweek, the most important thing would be to capture the audience's attention instead of trying to put emotion into the song. since no one would be listening, what's the point?? so it's a good opportunity to showcase the technical part of singing. but then should i do it his way, or my way?

i wonder.
-------------------------------------------------
with every passing day, with every fleeting glance and parting word, it gets stronger and stronger. and i just wish you feel the same way too=)

Today, I lose.

2009-10-14T22:58:00.003+08:00

Blogs are actually rather evil. They record what people are unwilling to say face to face, what might be potentially disturbing. Your deepest darkest secret can be locked away in your blog without anyone knowing, but sometimes letting people know snippets of information, or how you feel, might actually be the most hurting of all.

it creates a bloodless wound, but it hurts. like hell it does.

maybe i'm not the man i thought i was.
maybe i'm not as strong and infallible as i think i should be.
maybe i have overestimated myself.

maybe...

so many maybe's. i realise it's in times like these that you realise what you are made up of. What am I made up of?

weak, fickle and easily bullied? like before?

no. no longer.

the tide of negative energy can come and let it come. it will run out eventually. it has to. what matters is how you deal with the negative emotions, comments, senseless probing. it's the process. the process that forces you to freaking grow up. faster than you thought you could.

indirect assumptions and cunning manipulation may be the key to survival, but i don't believe in it. if winning means using underhand methods, by gaining your trust and betraying it...

then winning serves no purpose. at least not to me.

so You Win. Take it. It's yours.

it's a cold hard world we live in. and tonight, i feel colder than ever...

the path ahead is rocky, steep and dangerous. who will go on with me, that i can explicitly trust?

2009-10-14T00:31:00.003+08:00

i'm going to try something crazy. something i have never tried live. but i'm quite confident i can pull it off. watch out next fri 12pm!(:

just realised this sat is internal evaluation. damn. still got lots of stuff not sorted out=X. hmm. nvm. just do my best and pray i don't get scolded by the judges. LOL.

and as time passes, i begin to realise, this is the one.
the one that will define my life(:

i find my meaning.

2009-10-11T23:15:00.002+08:00

i realise i'm been blogging alot recently. think it's due to e-learning week=.= sigh. tomorrow is back to school. week 9 is predicted to be an evil week=X. but life goes on...do or die.=P and i plan to do!

read a blog of a friend of mine last night. at first i was in quite a 'high' or happy mood. but sadness and emo-ness is infectious. after reading it at 3am, my mood plummeted. i dunno what i can do to help him; i'm obviously not one to consult on regarding such issues. but his post was so sincere, almost pleading. so...sad.

maybe one of the reasons i feel so much is probably because i can understand what he's going through. i used to be like that, running low on self-esteem and self-confidence. i used to think what was my purpose in life? to study? to get a good job? to make my parents proud?

no.

you live your life for yourself.

you decide what happens in your life. you decide the path to take. you decide, whether you want to wallow in self-pity, or stand up and be counted. you decide, if you wanna create a story unique to yourself. and strive for it.

no one is worthless. just like no one is perfect. you have qualities, that are apparent to all, but you yourself are unaware.

that said, i'm just very glad that i have close friends who'll open a listening ear to my rants whenever i'm feeling down. friends whom i know i can trust and count on. and you all know you can count on me to do the same=)

P.S.: thanks for your late night msg(: though i read it kinda late, but thanks nonetheless! i'm glad you trust me, and i certainly trust you(:

running on adrenaline

2009-10-10T19:49:00.002+08:00

and yet another day that i slept late and woke up early. my ever-increasing sleep debt is accumulating...

went for tuition for the first time in a long time, coz of midterms and performance. and literally slacked throughout while watching her do the mcq practise papers.=X oops.

then went bras brasah to get the latest dan brown book, the lost symbol. but there was only the hardcover edition which is omfg expensive, so i decided to wait until they released the paperback version before buying. i still got the newest jeff archer book though=D. shall read it when i have the time. or rather, i'll still read it regardless of whether i have time or not.=X lol!

finished all my webcast lectures (except for gem) and tuts due next week. need to start on my last gem assignment and start doing all my summary notes. busy busy. and i have rehearsals next week for miniconcert as well. AND the holy 20% lab report for organic chem.

sigh. week 9 is a bad week=X

but at least we don't have killer weekly lab reports to do anymore. after that ass S.H. relinquished his lecturer position, dr. saif khan's lab report is like soooooo much easier to do! no more having headaches thinking over how to do the stupid report anymore!=D

to say honestly, i'm living on adrenaline now. so tired. i wake up knowing i'll be even more tired, but does that mean i don't wake up?

i try my best, but is my best enough?

it's so close, but it feels so far...

an unforgettable evening

2009-10-09T01:19:00.002+08:00

today was an unforgettable day. in more ways than one.

woke up feeling anxious because i hadn't completed my lab06 which was due at 6pm. luckily had the help of yuern and shaun, who generously donated some codes to me so that i could complete my report. haha. thanks guys!

crashed girl's tut class which had like less than 10 people(lol everyone's like ponning lessons during e-learning week) coz i didn't want to wake up early for math tut on fri. then went outside lt7a to complete my report before heading to voices clubroom at 6.

the performance wasn't that bad. at least i think my songs weren't too bad, considering i only ran through them twice? didn't really catch joel's song intro and started off-beat, but he managed to catch my tempo anyway and the song proceeded on quite smoothly.

although i think i didn't do as well as i could when i'm 100%, at least i caught some of the audience's attention. so that was my 1st experience singing in a restaurant, where most of the diners aren't listening to you and you have to catch their attention with your vocals.

quite an interesting experience. and thanks to everyone who came down to watch the performance=)
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sometimes, i let my heart do the thinking, instead of my brain. it's too tiring, too exhausting, to keep trying to think rationally and wisely, trying to think what is the right thing to do.

but look deep inside your heart.

is this what you really want?

i can say for sure, yes. that's what i really want.

2009-10-06T21:40:00.002+08:00

i love singing in a place where creativity isn't restricted. =D and i get my way! hoho (: a place where i can express my ideas about the song, and the ideal way i wanna present it.

Singalongsong---方大同

I wrote this song
It's not too long
Cause I'm thinking about you

I wrote this song
Maybe I'm wrong
To be caught up about you

I don't know what you think about me
Maybe you think nothing at all
But maybe you could just lie to me
And we could be in love, you see...

Oh it's a sing a long song that's not too long
It's when I think about you
That I hear song
And you can sing along
Baby if you want to

Cause baby I wrote this, I wrote this for you...

I wrote this song
It's not too long
Cause I'm the one who loves you

I wrote this song
This can't be wrong
I don't wanna smile without you

I just want to make you happy
Maybe you want nothing at all
How I wish that you are meant to be
Forever, end the day with me...

My singalongsong(:

not to take things for granted

2009-10-06T00:03:00.002+08:00

i went to NUH to see Dad today. i didn't go to visit him last week because it was exam week and i had no time. another reason was, well, i was afraid it would affect my concentration for the exam.

that was when i realised my father is really old. i've not seen him so weak and frail for a long time. haiz. i seem to have taken everything around me for granted.

i remember when i was still in army, i was confined in camp for nearly 3 weeks. ie. not going home for 3 weeks, coz of confinement week and COS duties and stuffs. i remember i was so busy, i didn't call home for the whole 3 weeks.

3 weeks. if your son didn't call home for 3 weeks, what would you do?

hmm. i think i need to reshuffle my priorities. i think i've been too self-centred. everything i've been doing and thinking, it has been for myself. i've not been thinking what i can do for others, for my family.

i can't make any promises, or do anything very significant now. but i tell myself, not to take anything for granted from now on.

nobody can predict what is going to happen tomorrow. Murphy's law, sadly, does exist. but what i can do now, is to spend more time with my family, my loved one.

for you are my priority=)

PS: whoever is reading this, please do not write on the tagboard for this particular blog entry. anything u might want to say, u can tell me in person, or thru msn. i want to keep this entry simple. =) thanks!
----------------------------------------
靠近---庾澄庆

世界如此忙
忙得你和我都失去了判断
赢了所有失去最初的梦

最爱的人
最好时光
一切不能重来

靠近你就在今晚
感受彼此心中温暖
能不能靠近我就在今晚
不要再让彼此遗憾

在今晚...

every day i learn more about myself
every day... i try to be a better man than i was yesterday.

我可以. 写.一首简单的歌...

2009-10-04T23:24:00.003+08:00

2nd post in a day! shows how bored i am. lol.

was supposed to go for tuition, but felt v tired and had a headache. so just postponed it again. haiz. feel abit bad. but...they are already 'A' students employing me to ensure they CONFIRM get 'A'. so i dun suppose it affects them much. oops. okok i know. excuses.=P

did mle and cm tut today. tried to start on lab 6 b4 realising i dunno how to start. need to finetune my gem assignment. need to go through all the webcasted lectures for elearning week. which will be very freaking tedious.

i just watched the org chem lecture and the lecturer was talking at top speed la. crazy. he finished one chapter in 38 mins.=.= this elearning week isnt a very good idea as far as i'm concerned. maybe the rest is good. but the idea is not.
------------------------------------------------------

a nice song that a friend will be singing this thurs. i should have chosen this song! haha.very meaningful lyrics=)

我可以---蔡旻佑

雨下得好安静
是不是你偷偷在哭泣
幸福真的不容易
在你的背景
有我爱你...

我可以
陪你去看星星
不用再多说明
我就要和你在一起
我不想又再一次和你分离

我多么想每一次的美丽
是因为你...

unfortunately this singer is a one-album wonder. his second album, was, well, plain disastrous.LOL. but this song is nice=D

when it becomes apparent to everyone.

2009-10-04T14:26:00.002+08:00

yesterday was a roller coaster ride of emotions. nervous to start the day(because of the last midterm), depressed after the midterm (because of the careless mistakes) and adrenaline on the car ride (lol at 100kmh=P).

went for reason's birthday party at downtown yest. the starting conditions weren't great, raining and all, but hey, whatever murphy throws at us, we can throw back=D. lol.

didn't know alot of people save for requiem, reason and zhiwei, but we are young people, and young people make friends very fast=D. hoho. played texas poker and bridge and taiti and the climax was asshole taiti. HAHA. super funny. some things you learn the hard way eh? like putting the '2' card as the last card auto condemns you a single round of assholeness. LOL.
-------------------------------------------------------------

sometimes i feel as though i've overdone certain things. have i? lots of people have asked me questions regarding it, and i've always not given a straight answer. actually it's a yes. (yes u r right yes u r right yes u r rite).^(no. of frens who asked me the same question out of concern/curiosity)--- matlab syntax.grr.

i was kinda shocked when a random fren asked me the question. i was surprised that he actually noticed. i didn't know i had been that obvious. lol. or maybe its because his sixth sense is imba-ly strong. but its weird and cruel irony that it becomes apparent to everyone else but the people involved. maybe what they say is true: when u're in it, u can't see it. only when you're a bystander, can u truly see the whole picture.

i think i have a strong sixth sense, and i read body language very accurately. i can see, beyond the facial expressions and actions, what most people are thinking. it's an inborn ability; i didn't train myself lol.(like how to train??) so i can sense how most people are feeling most of the time. and 90% of the time, i'm right. let's just say past experiences have proved it.

and it isn't a good thing. really.

it's like being able to see the future. would you wanna know wat's gonna happen to you 10, 20, 30 years down the road?

it's times like that when i feel so so alone. so...torn. so paradoxical.

i feel like i need to do something, but yet i'm hesitant. when i'm braver, maybe everything will clear. it may take seconds, hours, days, weeks...all i hope is that courage comes earlier. because luck favours the brave.

midterm analysis (to be reviewed when final term exams come along)

2009-10-03T15:10:00.003+08:00

mcqs suck.

big time.

the profs just love to distract and confuse students with this holy imba option called 'none of the above'. and i got tricked. damn.

=.=

got 7 of 10 for maths...which means 14 out of 20 since maths midterms is 20%. 6 points there.

i shudder to think about matlab. a whole lot of variables that can affect the grade. this one, i ahve really no clue.

org chem...too many questions to discuss, so i'm not too sure of how many i'm gonna get correct as well.

material science. sux. the highest i can have is 29/35 since i made 2 careless mistakes. and that is if i get all the rest of it correct. and judging from what i see, tons of people are probably gonna get full marks.=.=

fml.

how to get a cap of 4.0???

hindsight and foresight

2009-10-02T21:59:00.002+08:00

recently a friend told me that it's better to lose knowing that you have tried, rather than to lose without trying...i.e. even if you know u're gonna lose, just try anyway. if u don't know whether u're gonna lose, all the more you must try.

makes sense. actually subconsciously, i've always been applying this theory. all along i've never been one to give up. you get hit, you stand up, you live to die another day. until i realised recently that i've only been applying this to work, army and studies. other times, this aspect...is strangely missing.

when you have nothing to lose but all to gain, go for it.
when you have something to lose but more to gain, you SHOULD still got for it.
but when you have everything to lose, but everything to gain, will you still go for it?

it's a matter of whether you can stand to lose. i've heard bankers give talks and say,'You must always think how much you can lose before you invest. If you can afford to lose, then you can afford to invest.' i subscribe to that theory. only if you can afford that setback, can you afford to start.

can i afford to lose? i don't think so. =X

or rather, i should change the question to, will i lose? hmm...that's a good question,that i currently do not have an answer.

will the answer come soon? hopefully=P...

%% just some additional comments

2009-09-30T01:48:00.002+08:00

it's 2am and i'm not asleep. i have a lecture at 8am tomorrow. i have to wake at 6am. fml.

am listening to a song by eason chan. as you may (or may not) know, eason chan is an extremely brillant singer who sings with a ton of innate emotions. his songs are capable of digging out your innermost emotions and iterate them 'n' times, like a 'while' loop. especially so when you're feeling rather down, and listening to his songs in the middle of the night. just makes me feel so...emo (for the lack of a better word). simply listening to his story through his songs makes me feel better(:

K歌之王---陈奕迅

我以为要是唱的用心良苦
你总会对我多点在乎

我以为虽然爱情已成往事
千言万语说出来可以互相安抚

期待你感动真实的我们难相处
写词的让我唱出你要的幸福
谁曾经感动分手的关头才懂得
离开排行榜更铭心刻骨

我已经相信有些人我永远不必等
所以我明白在灯火栏珊处为什么会哭
你不会相信嫁给我明天有多幸福
只想你明白我心甘情愿爱爱爱爱到要吐

那是醉生梦死才能熬成的苦
爱如潮水我忘了我是谁
至少还有你哭...

我想唱一首歌给我们祝福
唱完了我会一个人住
我愿意试着了解从此以后
拥挤的房间一个人的心有多孤独

让我断了气铁了心爱的过火
一回头就找到出路
让我成为了无情的k歌之王
麦克风都让我征服
想不到你若无其事的说
这样滥情何苦?

我想来一个吻别作为结束
想不到你只说我不许哭
不让我领悟...

the first taste

2009-09-30T00:30:00.002+08:00

the first taste of exams in 3 years. was rather bad =.= well, knew matlab was a killer all the while and since everyone is screwed, it sort of evens out. maths was, well, disappointing. made 2 careless mistakes which irritates me more than not knowing how to do.

oh wells, another one on thurs and one more on sat before i can finally take a breather.

another reprieve is voices. i just feel like going even though its in the midst of midterms. singing helps me to destress, as well as helps me release some pent up emotions. in ways more than studies.

sometimes i do wonder.
sometimes i do overthink. about all the what ifs.
sometimes, i do ponder if i want to hear that elusive answer.

it takes two to clap, but only one to dream...

when a good song makes a gloomy day bright again...

2009-09-27T02:00:00.003+08:00

一首简单的歌---王力宏

我一直
在思考
让你了解我的好
却忘了常常对你微笑

失去的
忘记的
我会尽力去弥补
你是我最珍贵的财富

写一首简单的歌
让你的心情快乐
爱情就像一条河
难免会碰到波折

这一首简单的歌
并没有什么独特
好像我
那么的平凡却又深刻...

put my music player on shuffle mode and came across this song...forgot how nice it was(: sweet sweet lyrics...and suits my range too!haha. shall sing it when i have a chance=P leehom's songs are always very nice=D

countdown: 1 day to go back school. for midterms. arghh. there we go again. didn't have time to really rest during this 'supposed' holiday. yeah right man holiday. holidays shouldn't be spent chionging mugging. i think i'm more tired out during this hols than during normal school term. not to forget, still got gem assignments (two of them! want to kill us ar??) and weekly lab reports to submit.

that's a bright thought.=.=

but never mind. i'm sure i'll ride through this.

i know, therefore i can and i must...regis advenio nunc!

of great meaning and significance...

2009-09-24T00:05:00.003+08:00

blogpost about yesterday's gathering and today's not so boring day at home!

went for iceman gathering yest!lol...was quite fun...reached at 2 plus and mugged(oops=X) till 6 when the rest arrived. and for once, a really good bbq! haha. the food was really cooked, which is ever so rare in a bbq.

and my og peeps just loves dunking people into the pool =.= LOL. but nvm it's all in the name of fun=D.

reached home at 2am plus, slightly tipsy, rather exhilarated, but with my mind thinking of lots of stuff. lots of issues that i feel should be handled with care, and as soon as possible. everything will be settled (hopefully) by after midterms, and on the day of performance.

speaking of which, i'll be singing 我不难过 by 燕姿 and Singalongsong by 方大同...on hindsight, shouldn't have chosen 我不难过. such a hard song =.= abit hard to settle the pitch. but nvm! i'll still do my best. Singalongsong has a very strong significance to it, so i'm glad i got that song=).

a very strong significance indeed.....

i pray. i dream. and i look to the future...

2009-09-22T02:03:00.001+08:00

if only you knew...

祈祷---李岗霖

无能为力
祈祷着再次将你拥入怀中
手指冰冷的温度
无情命运
任性的捉弄

无能为力
祈祷着你能感觉我的温柔
用尽力气狠狠的
把你看够
舍不得放手

我还爱不够...

the past few days have been a dream...a dream from which i hope i will not wake (: happy hours, even while studying, seem to pass extra fast.

your destiny is ahead. take it. it's yours.

flashbacks

2009-09-20T01:59:00.006+08:00

they say character is built from experiences. i totally agree. i think what i've been through really helped me shape my character and my way of thinking.

i realise i'm more wary of people now. trusting people less, and taking more time to gauge people's character. i guess it's kind of like a defense mechanism. when you have suffered, you remember and make sure it never happens again. there was a period when i thought i'll never trust again, but, hey, no man's an island. you can never completely close out others and live your own isolated life. fortunately, there are still people out there worth talking to and trusting.=)

on hindsight, such sombering experiences actually helped. for example, i should thank my OC, for letting me know that doing too much is actually a sin, and i should just mind my business and let things be, even though you know things aren't the way it should be.

let the past remain in the past, but the experiences remain. think nought of what could have been done, but what can be done now.

you'll be happier. at least i am.

to girl: really enjoyed the HTHT session. haha(: really glad that you trust me enough to confide in me(: and vice versa too! i think we are rather similar people: rational and we let brains dictate our actions instead of the heart.(:

努力为你改变却变不了
预留的伏线
以为在你身边那也算永远
仿佛还是昨天
可是昨天
已非常遥远
但闭上我双眼我还看得见

可惜不是你
陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你
牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔...

this doesn't mean anything. i just think it's a very nice song(: music soothes my soul.

the Blower's daughter...

2009-09-16T23:48:00.002+08:00

this is a crazy week. week 6. numerous submissions, assignments, labs, lab reports to do, tutorials to complete...

sometimes i wish i can just slack and don't do...work is like never-ending, forever an onslaught of assignments and tutorials and projects etc...sucks to be an engineer, sucks even more to be a chemical engineer, (sucks)^Inf especially if u are a chem engin student trying to get a life, trying to pursue his dreams, trying to obtain good enough grades, all without having to sacrifice too much...

midterm break is next week, but after that is midterms. *drumroll* means more mugging, less rest, lesser sleep, lesser fun...

the only solace i get is probably from singing and hanging out with good, better and best frens =D. singing is a damn effective way to release emotions/stress, which i happen to have alot of recently. EA block fire escape staircase rocks =D. even though 'girl' says can hear me from 2nd storey, that doesn't stop me from practising. music and singing keep me sane; helps me to release anything pent up in me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
everything's so surreal, like a dream. is it real? or just a figment of my own fertile imagination?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i listened to the Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice last night. in the wee hours. when everyone was asleep. when i could only hear the gentle humming of the fan. even though the lyrics were so simple, so innocent, the emotions came through loud and clear.

sometimes, just a simple song can let loose what i've been trying to hide for the longest time. my weaknesses, past experiences, all coming back into memory...

the irony

2009-09-13T01:25:00.003+08:00

the questioner bearing the answer to the question. it's just like a deafening silence.

an anti-paradox.

i can't answer, because only you have it.
-----------------------------------------
张惠妹-如果你也听说

作曲:周杰伦填词:李焯雄

为什么脆弱时候想你更多?

如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我

好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和
舍不得
又无可奈何?

如果你也听说
会不会相信我
对流言会附和
还是你知道我还是我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔...

haven't posted lyrics for a long time. this song is a cumulative effort from a*mei and jay. But what catches my eye (or ear) is the lyrics. so true...

Fantastic Friday=D

2009-09-12T00:35:00.003+08:00

even though i had 6hrs of lessons today and i chionged from engin to science to engin again in 3 hrs, i ended the day high, happy and energised.

the effect of music.=D

went for voices at 6 plus. and saw qinny practising her keyboard. then had a super huge urge to sing. and so i did. LOL. quite a few too. already damn high even before practice started=D.

practice was okay. then had the chance to jam 王妃 with the live band. which was super cool coz it was 萧敬腾's original key and i could scream and yell and no one would care coz got live band to cover. super shiok feeling to sing rock songs with abandon=D

now have to sing duet (with a girl =P) and abit hard to choose song. oops. have to match keys and lyrics and all. but i think it'll be fun. hopefully we can get to arrange our own songs to make it sound nicer.=D

and today was good to me because of a special reason. becoz of something that i think, might be conclusive. does it mean anything? at the moment, i hope it does.=D