Reminders to myself

Reminder to myself to lower expectations. Expectations is really a very deadly thing, when you think you don't make your own expectations you really get down on yourself. downs your mood, downs your whole perspective. while sometimes expectations help you to do better, it is better to predict more conservatively. personally i hate the feeling of falling short of my own expectations. when you expect to do well after putting in the necessary effort, and you get results that doesn't meet your lofty expectations, that's when you start to think where you have gone wrong.

in fact maybe it isn't even your own fault. maybe i'm just too hard on myself, to blame myself. but i honestly think i've done my best and put my best foot forward. i had taken the effort and time to learn everything that i think was worthy of reading, but what can i do when the prof decides to test the most obscure fact in the notes when it is obviously a factual question and nothing conceptual and useful to take away with? i really think it isn't fair when the prof gives you such questions that test your memory of one single type of bacterium, instead of testing you concepts learned during the course. is that the basis of higher education? shoving facts down your throat?

how about having something that is more productive and help you to hone your thinking skills, instead of asking you something that you will probably forget the moment you walk out of the exam hall? -.-

and again about expectations. i really need to lower them to make myself feel better. it is always better to feel pleasantly surprised when you get something beyond your expectations than to feel disappointed and aggrieved when you know you don't deserve the marks but you can do nothing about it.

such is the nature of university education, especially that in Singapore. you have to give it to the profs here; they really try ways and means to distinguish between the ultimate nerdy students who conscientiously pick up every single line of their notes and those who just want to learn the main concepts and meaning of the module.

sigh. singapore universities will never be the best when such professors exist to instill such thinking in our undergrads.

there's nothing here

there's nothing here that i hold dear to my heart. nobody, no thing. what is left is the mindless studying for what remains of the last 2 schooling weeks. will my mood improve only when the exams are over? i don't know, but i doubt so.

suddenly i share the same sentiment as esther. i can't wait to go back to the place where i belong. the place where so many things, so many people, so many places are dear to me. where i fit in. here? adventure becomes boring and monotonous as time carries on. too much hypocrisy, too much independence.

suddenly it gets tiring to be independent. it wears you down, thinking of what things you need to do by yourself. sometimes you just wanna hide in your own corner and just think aimlessly and mindlessly. unfortunately it doesn't happen here. sometimes i just wanna sing out loud to relieve the stress and monotony of the life here. but i can't, there's a social 'decorum' that has to be adhered to here. Finns are reserved and quiet, and they expect you to be likewise.

suddenly i appreciate the freedom i had when i was in singapore. the freedom to go wherever i want, to do whatever i want, to sing wherever i want without people thinking you are crazy. freedom is not independence. freedom is knowing that you can go crazy because you have support, be it friends, family etc. independence is knowing that you have to be mature and steadfast going about doing things, by yourself, and do it well. there's a big difference.

well i'm ready to be free, but not ready to be independent. at least, i want to know that however late i go home, there will be someone waiting for me, some hot dinner, something to look forward to at home. here? there's nothing. nothing at all. the walls keep you company, and so do your friends on facebook. virtual world isn't the real world, nothing is like meeting your loved ones face to face.

suddenly i regret the way i've lived in the past. this isn't cultural shock of living in a new country, neither is it homesickness. being here for the past 5 months i've gotten used to the Finn way of living, talking less, doing more. and i believe it isn't homesickness because it's not the prospect of home that makes me happier, its the prospect of leaving this place. suddenly i regret the way i'll brush my mum away when she asks me whether i'll be home for dinner, suddenly i regret the way i speak to my dad when he gives me a call to ask when i'll be back, suddenly i miss the way i banter with my sister, suddenly i miss the times i shared with geraldine, with the chem eng peeps, with the vjc peeps, suddenly i regret...

its a merciless world, where you know what you miss and what you are only after losing them. only after being thrown into the deep end, can you know what you're made of. only after multiple trials can you know what's the most dear to you, what makes you, well, you.

jian kai was right. the exchange trip opens your eyes to alot of things, just not the things i expected them to be. suddenly, i know what i need to be complete. 'and when you know how much that means, when you've found that special thing, you're flying without wings'. never really felt how true this lyrics was, but indeed it's true. we all crave to have fun, but yet, is fun really what you need? i used to think to myself, how wonderful would it be if you were to live in a foreign land, make friends in with foreign people of a different race/skin colour.

yet, is it really so wonderful? i don't think so.

suddenly, i really truly begin to understand myself. who do i live for? i remember asking that question multiple times in the past, and previously the answer was for myself. now i'm not so sure. humans aren't complete by yourself, no man is an island.

now i discover, that i really live for others. you are complete, and hence you live, because of what you have around you.

previously, i can stay at home for days on end, without feeling bored or a need to go out. now, 2 days in the room irks me. so suffocated, so tiring.

yes, travelling was fun while it lasted. playing was fun while it lasted. but in my opinion, it's time for the fun to end.

this sucks

well this sucks. interesting to note that i lend my answers to others to copy and i get lower marks. i wouldn't really care that much in normal times, but 0.5 marks is kinda a big difference when the passing mark is 11 marks.

and it could get really really bad tomorrow if the exam is difficult. jeez... i really just hope i can do all the theory questions and secure the pass before i do the computer part -.- this could get really bad =X

they can really set an insane paper to kill students if they want to. like seriously KILLER. beginning to appreciate nus and the lecturers and the accountability of the profs there. at least they care to explain to you what error you have made, and are READILY CONTACTABLE. neither which is the case here -.-

neither do they release the homework scores one day before the final exam to demoralise you. seriously wtf people here.

11 marks to pass, i have 4.3. i need 6.7 marks! please let me pass this damn course, i don't wanna take it back in nus. aiwen says courses here won't fail. RAWR I WILL DO WELL!

ARGH.

够幸褔了?

聚会里单独现身 朋友都没想到你我

会是这几对里先分开的

约定做彼此亲人 结束就更心安理得

说穿了舍不得变成陌生人

别自责比起很多人 我们够幸福了

面对面改变口吻 心还依然温热

感伤停格 爱永远都没有定论

不需要去否认 我生命中你客串过的深刻

微笑平和 慢慢我心态调适了

能结伴却 各自走着 纵然苦涩

约定做彼此亲人 结束就更心安理得

说穿了舍不得变成陌生人

别自责比起很多人 我们够幸福了

面对面改变口吻 心还依然温热

感伤停格 爱永远都没有定论

不需要去否认 我生命中你客串过的深刻

微笑平和 慢慢我心态调适了

能结伴却各自爱着 我接受故事的转折

别心疼 诚实的疼痛的快乐

晚安爱人 谁都晓得该往前走了

让时间去默认 明天我们一定都会遇见对的人

我还醒着 其实我早该知足了

享受着心痛的过程 安静地守护一个人

纵然苦涩

the best song now, no?

结束就更心安理得, 说穿了舍不得变成陌生人: ending it all made everyone feel better, so that we don't

become strangers and stay as friends.

纵然苦涩: even though it's bitter.

only time will tell if it's the best result. but till then, i guess i'll have to survive alone. and i tell myself i will,

as i have through all the adversity.

stand by..you

Oh
Why you look so sad
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me, now
Don't
Be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side, too
When the night falls on you
Don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when....
When the night falls on you ,baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest

long time coming, in more ways than one

haven't blogged in eons, since like the third week of term. how ironic then, that i'm blogging the day before the first final exam tomorrow =P

so much have happened since my last post, too much to write. maybe during the holidays when there is time =P. but well, i'm glad that the semester 3 is coming to an end. too slow though, can it like come NOW??

GRR.

studying is such a chore.

i went for a paid gig yesterday at the grand hyatt. it was a really weird yet interesting show. like seriously. luckily when i was singing there were hardly anybody left, or rather, the people there were dancing like crazy. totally weird max. i feared for the ladies's safety when they went on stage, considering there were semi drunk and wholly drunk people in the ballroom that looked that they would go on stage to hug them. LOL.

interesting experience, but hopefully more normal gigs next time. hmm. since its year end, many companies are going to have their DnDs. any chance of more paid gigs? =DD i want i want! more money for christmas hopefully =D

back to studies then. two more freaking weeks before i can finally rest. sighh..

P.S.: Wanna spend more time with my dear during the holidays =DD another reason for exams to quickly end=P

7 days not enough!

相爱没有那麽容易

每个人有他的脾气
过了爱做梦的年纪

轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那麽容易

才会特别让人着迷
什麽都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心 所以最开心

曾经...

黄小琥---没那么简单

Just watched the finals of xing guang quan qi competition, like two weeks after the finals was broadcast live. how slow i am huh? no time due to lots of things going on =X. but anyway, saw many good performances and was reminded of the above song. such a nice song=)

fell sick with fever last week. 2nd time in 4 weeks that i've fallen sick. zzz.. being sick sucks. luckily i recovered before voices welcome tea on thursday. think i did okay for a performance that i only sung with the band for 30 minutes? acceptable standard ba. haha..

school is a bitch now. seriously, the labs are getting on my nerves -.- 6 hour labs on even weeks, 4 hour labs on odd weeks, with lab reports thrown into the fray. luckily the 6hr one there are zai group members who do their share of the work, so although the lab itself is taxing, it helps to have friends sharing the burden. as always, having friends around makes one feel much better.

Realised this sem is really very shiong. on a (randomly) crazy week, my days are 6,6,8,6,4 hours from monday to friday. although, effectively, this sem there are only 2 tutorials, all the lsm modules need to review after the lecture. concepts not so easy to grasp, and in certain cases, too many things to memorise that cannot be internalised during the lecture itself.

as usual, 7 days a week not enough. thankfully i have dates with dear to look forward to. my weekly recharging day=P recharged with energy and love=D

thanks dear, for always being there for me=) you colour my life=)