Reminders to myself

Reminder to myself to lower expectations. Expectations is really a very deadly thing, when you think you don't make your own expectations you really get down on yourself. downs your mood, downs your whole perspective. while sometimes expectations help you to do better, it is better to predict more conservatively. personally i hate the feeling of falling short of my own expectations. when you expect to do well after putting in the necessary effort, and you get results that doesn't meet your lofty expectations, that's when you start to think where you have gone wrong.

in fact maybe it isn't even your own fault. maybe i'm just too hard on myself, to blame myself. but i honestly think i've done my best and put my best foot forward. i had taken the effort and time to learn everything that i think was worthy of reading, but what can i do when the prof decides to test the most obscure fact in the notes when it is obviously a factual question and nothing conceptual and useful to take away with? i really think it isn't fair when the prof gives you such questions that test your memory of one single type of bacterium, instead of testing you concepts learned during the course. is that the basis of higher education? shoving facts down your throat?

how about having something that is more productive and help you to hone your thinking skills, instead of asking you something that you will probably forget the moment you walk out of the exam hall? -.-

and again about expectations. i really need to lower them to make myself feel better. it is always better to feel pleasantly surprised when you get something beyond your expectations than to feel disappointed and aggrieved when you know you don't deserve the marks but you can do nothing about it.

such is the nature of university education, especially that in Singapore. you have to give it to the profs here; they really try ways and means to distinguish between the ultimate nerdy students who conscientiously pick up every single line of their notes and those who just want to learn the main concepts and meaning of the module.

sigh. singapore universities will never be the best when such professors exist to instill such thinking in our undergrads.

there's nothing here

there's nothing here that i hold dear to my heart. nobody, no thing. what is left is the mindless studying for what remains of the last 2 schooling weeks. will my mood improve only when the exams are over? i don't know, but i doubt so.

suddenly i share the same sentiment as esther. i can't wait to go back to the place where i belong. the place where so many things, so many people, so many places are dear to me. where i fit in. here? adventure becomes boring and monotonous as time carries on. too much hypocrisy, too much independence.

suddenly it gets tiring to be independent. it wears you down, thinking of what things you need to do by yourself. sometimes you just wanna hide in your own corner and just think aimlessly and mindlessly. unfortunately it doesn't happen here. sometimes i just wanna sing out loud to relieve the stress and monotony of the life here. but i can't, there's a social 'decorum' that has to be adhered to here. Finns are reserved and quiet, and they expect you to be likewise.

suddenly i appreciate the freedom i had when i was in singapore. the freedom to go wherever i want, to do whatever i want, to sing wherever i want without people thinking you are crazy. freedom is not independence. freedom is knowing that you can go crazy because you have support, be it friends, family etc. independence is knowing that you have to be mature and steadfast going about doing things, by yourself, and do it well. there's a big difference.

well i'm ready to be free, but not ready to be independent. at least, i want to know that however late i go home, there will be someone waiting for me, some hot dinner, something to look forward to at home. here? there's nothing. nothing at all. the walls keep you company, and so do your friends on facebook. virtual world isn't the real world, nothing is like meeting your loved ones face to face.

suddenly i regret the way i've lived in the past. this isn't cultural shock of living in a new country, neither is it homesickness. being here for the past 5 months i've gotten used to the Finn way of living, talking less, doing more. and i believe it isn't homesickness because it's not the prospect of home that makes me happier, its the prospect of leaving this place. suddenly i regret the way i'll brush my mum away when she asks me whether i'll be home for dinner, suddenly i regret the way i speak to my dad when he gives me a call to ask when i'll be back, suddenly i miss the way i banter with my sister, suddenly i miss the times i shared with geraldine, with the chem eng peeps, with the vjc peeps, suddenly i regret...

its a merciless world, where you know what you miss and what you are only after losing them. only after being thrown into the deep end, can you know what you're made of. only after multiple trials can you know what's the most dear to you, what makes you, well, you.

jian kai was right. the exchange trip opens your eyes to alot of things, just not the things i expected them to be. suddenly, i know what i need to be complete. 'and when you know how much that means, when you've found that special thing, you're flying without wings'. never really felt how true this lyrics was, but indeed it's true. we all crave to have fun, but yet, is fun really what you need? i used to think to myself, how wonderful would it be if you were to live in a foreign land, make friends in with foreign people of a different race/skin colour.

yet, is it really so wonderful? i don't think so.

suddenly, i really truly begin to understand myself. who do i live for? i remember asking that question multiple times in the past, and previously the answer was for myself. now i'm not so sure. humans aren't complete by yourself, no man is an island.

now i discover, that i really live for others. you are complete, and hence you live, because of what you have around you.

previously, i can stay at home for days on end, without feeling bored or a need to go out. now, 2 days in the room irks me. so suffocated, so tiring.

yes, travelling was fun while it lasted. playing was fun while it lasted. but in my opinion, it's time for the fun to end.

this sucks

well this sucks. interesting to note that i lend my answers to others to copy and i get lower marks. i wouldn't really care that much in normal times, but 0.5 marks is kinda a big difference when the passing mark is 11 marks.

and it could get really really bad tomorrow if the exam is difficult. jeez... i really just hope i can do all the theory questions and secure the pass before i do the computer part -.- this could get really bad =X

they can really set an insane paper to kill students if they want to. like seriously KILLER. beginning to appreciate nus and the lecturers and the accountability of the profs there. at least they care to explain to you what error you have made, and are READILY CONTACTABLE. neither which is the case here -.-

neither do they release the homework scores one day before the final exam to demoralise you. seriously wtf people here.

11 marks to pass, i have 4.3. i need 6.7 marks! please let me pass this damn course, i don't wanna take it back in nus. aiwen says courses here won't fail. RAWR I WILL DO WELL!

ARGH.

够幸褔了?

聚会里单独现身 朋友都没想到你我

会是这几对里先分开的

约定做彼此亲人 结束就更心安理得

说穿了舍不得变成陌生人

别自责比起很多人 我们够幸福了

面对面改变口吻 心还依然温热

感伤停格 爱永远都没有定论

不需要去否认 我生命中你客串过的深刻

微笑平和 慢慢我心态调适了

能结伴却 各自走着 纵然苦涩

约定做彼此亲人 结束就更心安理得

说穿了舍不得变成陌生人

别自责比起很多人 我们够幸福了

面对面改变口吻 心还依然温热

感伤停格 爱永远都没有定论

不需要去否认 我生命中你客串过的深刻

微笑平和 慢慢我心态调适了

能结伴却各自爱着 我接受故事的转折

别心疼 诚实的疼痛的快乐

晚安爱人 谁都晓得该往前走了

让时间去默认 明天我们一定都会遇见对的人

我还醒着 其实我早该知足了

享受着心痛的过程 安静地守护一个人

纵然苦涩

the best song now, no?

结束就更心安理得, 说穿了舍不得变成陌生人: ending it all made everyone feel better, so that we don't

become strangers and stay as friends.

纵然苦涩: even though it's bitter.

only time will tell if it's the best result. but till then, i guess i'll have to survive alone. and i tell myself i will,

as i have through all the adversity.

stand by..you

Oh
Why you look so sad
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me, now
Don't
Be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side, too
When the night falls on you
Don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when....
When the night falls on you ,baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest

long time coming, in more ways than one

haven't blogged in eons, since like the third week of term. how ironic then, that i'm blogging the day before the first final exam tomorrow =P

so much have happened since my last post, too much to write. maybe during the holidays when there is time =P. but well, i'm glad that the semester 3 is coming to an end. too slow though, can it like come NOW??

GRR.

studying is such a chore.

i went for a paid gig yesterday at the grand hyatt. it was a really weird yet interesting show. like seriously. luckily when i was singing there were hardly anybody left, or rather, the people there were dancing like crazy. totally weird max. i feared for the ladies's safety when they went on stage, considering there were semi drunk and wholly drunk people in the ballroom that looked that they would go on stage to hug them. LOL.

interesting experience, but hopefully more normal gigs next time. hmm. since its year end, many companies are going to have their DnDs. any chance of more paid gigs? =DD i want i want! more money for christmas hopefully =D

back to studies then. two more freaking weeks before i can finally rest. sighh..

P.S.: Wanna spend more time with my dear during the holidays =DD another reason for exams to quickly end=P

7 days not enough!

相爱没有那麽容易

每个人有他的脾气
过了爱做梦的年纪

轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那麽容易

才会特别让人着迷
什麽都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心 所以最开心

曾经...

黄小琥---没那么简单

Just watched the finals of xing guang quan qi competition, like two weeks after the finals was broadcast live. how slow i am huh? no time due to lots of things going on =X. but anyway, saw many good performances and was reminded of the above song. such a nice song=)

fell sick with fever last week. 2nd time in 4 weeks that i've fallen sick. zzz.. being sick sucks. luckily i recovered before voices welcome tea on thursday. think i did okay for a performance that i only sung with the band for 30 minutes? acceptable standard ba. haha..

school is a bitch now. seriously, the labs are getting on my nerves -.- 6 hour labs on even weeks, 4 hour labs on odd weeks, with lab reports thrown into the fray. luckily the 6hr one there are zai group members who do their share of the work, so although the lab itself is taxing, it helps to have friends sharing the burden. as always, having friends around makes one feel much better.

Realised this sem is really very shiong. on a (randomly) crazy week, my days are 6,6,8,6,4 hours from monday to friday. although, effectively, this sem there are only 2 tutorials, all the lsm modules need to review after the lecture. concepts not so easy to grasp, and in certain cases, too many things to memorise that cannot be internalised during the lecture itself.

as usual, 7 days a week not enough. thankfully i have dates with dear to look forward to. my weekly recharging day=P recharged with energy and love=D

thanks dear, for always being there for me=) you colour my life=)

school so far

and so it nears the second week of school. as of now, school isn't very taxing yet, but I know it will pick up really soon, when all the labs kick in. precisely why I'm trying to make sure I understand everything that is being taught.

which is precisely why i detest profs that simply can't articulate his words well. as aaron said, it's not his accent, coz many PRC lecturers have the same accent. it's his poor articulation, and all his pauses in the midst of a sentence just serves to distract us from what he wants to teach. what's more, his lecture lasted 2.5 hrs. can you imagine, a freaking 2.5 hr long lecture with him rambling on and on? -.-

had to revise what he taught at home by myself today, using edwin's textbook. rather thankful for the group of CSP/former CSP friends i have made, like aaron, edwin, songhoe etc.. school seems much less monotonous with them around. and having aaron around for all my mods is exceptionally good, whatever i don't catch, he gets it, and vice versa. always good to have a friend around for a random module that no one has taken before, especially so when he's analytically sharp and discerning.

i find myself warming up for the challenges ahead, but not fully prepared yet. gonna need to put in the 110% in my work.

when the going gets tough, the tough gets going, right?

and there it all begins again

well, today's the last day of the three month long holidays and i've fallen sick. how nice. i fell sick like 3 times during the course of these 3 months, hopefully won't be sick again for a long long time.

things to accomplish during the new semester:

1) apply for SEP to US in sem 5!

2) find good attachments/internships at oil/product companies or banks/big four.

3) study hard and maintain my CAP.

and of course not forgetting, spending time with my dear=) that is of paramount importance=) walking down siglap road yesterday without your hand in mine was a weird feeling =X

-----------------------------------------------------

new friends come, old friends go. unfortunately, there isn't anything much i can do about it. as they get to know more people, get exposed to more things, they'll drift further and further away. to me, those that stay are those that'll be your lifelong friends. my lifelong friends. friends who will stay no matter what.

and so, one or two of these are sufficient=)

i don't lament the loss of friends, because it's their choice and their path to take; who am i to keep them? regardless of whether it's a misunderstanding, or whether it is purely because we've drifted apart, if they feel it's best for them, so be it.

i don't know how the future is like, but i would just wanna hold those people close to me closer. like my dear, those true friends...=)

regis-advenio-nunc

ciao

so i'm gonna be off to my next camp. and bidding starts on monday. and i have a performance on monday too.

holy.

life's like that man.

it takes 1 afternoon to make your day, but just 1 call to destroy everything...

well contrary to the title of this post, i'm gonna start off with something happy first=)

had a lovely night yesterday, spent with my dear=) well actually every night spent with her is lovely, just that yesterday more so=) strange that time passes soo fast everytime it comes to this particular day of the month, but it's okay...i always look forward to the one next month=)

and then my cors stuffs are almost settled. after two calls to the admin IC, apparently by tomorrow, they'll get the prof to waive off the prerequisite so that we can bid for that mod. and also received confirmation that the life sci mods will be preallocated, so no worries there...what's left is the sixth and (hopefully) last module. toying with the idea of taking eg2401 (and i may die taking that) or an arts gem. politics seem interesting...

and to the unholy call i had today. man, i realise i have limitless tolerance dealing with imbeciles, but if and only if i have NO CHOICE but to tahan them. okay, granted that he was right in his argument that everything isn't his fault and its the gahment statboards that screwed up (or rather, just a single officer. it's unfair to say that the statboard is inefficient just because of a single civil servant).

i pity the shithole he is in, that he received the shock of his life to open his letterbox and see a bill waiting for him, when he thought he paid up in full. and i did, throughout the course of the whole conversation, did assure him multiple times that i'm gonna stop any penalties whatsoever for him.

well, that was before he started complaining about the hassle, complain about the service, complain about HDB, complain about the way we bill, complain yada yada yada... before singaporeans complain about the gahment, or the way gahment agencies do things, they oughta take a cold hard look at themselves. i think many of us are too used to having things their way, that when they encounter setbacks or things that happen not to go their ideal path, they just go screaming and screaming.

compare yourselves to other people in other countries. you think the customer service is gonna talk to you nicely as you rant? think about it, before you decide to launch your endless tirade at the poor fellow.

geez...sometimes, i really cannot stand my fellow countrymen..

singaporeans love to complain. i just proved i'm singaporean.

just read an interesting article off the forum in hardwarezone about property tax. there was this netizen who got uber pissed that IRAS sent her elderly mother a late payment advice demanding payment for outstanding property tax.

He claims that IRAS sent a disturbing letter to his mother, who is only the secondary owner, because his sister, the primary owner, failed to pay her tax.

His questions were: why is the govt so heartless as to force an old lady to make payment and threaten to freeze her bank account when she isn't even liable to pay it in the first place?

look at it this way: everybody has a reason to avoid paying tax. some people quote financial difficulties, some people claim they are elderly, some people claim they are overseas...etc etc. does that mean all these people don't need to pay tax?

The tax administration has a responsibility to make sure everybody in Singapore earning an income and owning a property pays their tax accordingly, with no exceptions in between. no one is an exception, and precisely because of that, everyone has to pay. if exceptions are made, people will start asking questions as to what is the rationale behind the exception, and all hell breaks loose.

I'm neither a PAP supporter, nor against the PAP. but facts speak for itself. people complain, but they should know, deep down, that this is right. this is the way to do things. don't trade things that you don't know, for things that you know already work. i mean, how do you know that if you vote in the Opposition, they will do things exactly as you want them to?

How do you know that if (a very big if) they get voted into power, they will improve conditions? improve the way of life of Singaporeans now? how do you know if they will deliver what they say instead of making things worst then they are now?

bear in mind, a lot of the Opposition MPs have scarce experience working in the public sector. do they know how IRAS work? do they know what GIC does?

passing the baton into unexperienced hands might just lead to unexpected and unwanted consequences that could, overnight, plunge the nation into political instability. my view is that, yes maybe Singapore do need some opposition MPs, just to keep a check on the political lopsidedness. but do you really want things to change from what it is now?

being used to wealth and good living conditions, can we really weather a major change in political change?

food for thought.

in short, Singaporeans just love to complain. when things are done efficiently they complain. when things are done slowly, they also complain.

which brings me to my next topic.

since i'm singaporean, i complain too.

lol..the irony.

as usual, at the start of every sem, i have to delve through the chem eng dept and the life sciences dept in order to get what i want. can't they, for once, just make sure that things are done even before i spam them with emails?-.- seems like they must always be pushed pushed pushed before they can move their sorry butts and get their work done.

and in any case, in NUS, the minority group is always disadvantaged. just because we are the minority, our interests are usually left out until the very end, or until we complain that something needs to be done.

every start of sem, it's like we have to wage a war against the dept office, before they will look at our requests.

NUS really, stands for No Use Studying.

让一切随风...

风中风中 心里冷风

吹失了梦

事未过去 就已失踪

此刻有种种心痛

心中心中 一切似空
天黑天光都似梦
迷迷惘惘 聚满心中
追踪一片冷的风

各种空虚 冷冷冷
吹起吹起风里梦
过去的心 火般灼热
今天已变了冰冻

记忆中 突然又痛
只因空虚再作弄
你似北风 吹走我梦
就让一切随风

haven't posted any nice songs recently. haven't had the time or mood to actually listen to new songs these few weeks. but today, as i was having my weekly dose of xing guang, came across this song sung by 閻奕格. My first impression was, why the hell is she in this competition?? she's far far too good for this. far too good. gawd. the rest of the comtestants totally pale in comparison.

began having goosebumps by the pre-chorus. it's a canto song and she isn't even cantonese, yet she brings out the meaning of the song so succinctly. i was so impressed i ripped her cover into a mp3 version. and one of the judges aptly said:' i don't understand cantonese, but i was drawn into the song by the emotion and groove of the singer. didn't need to understand the lyrics, her singing made me understand what it was all about.'

so powerful, music is. such a powerful tool.

music transcends boundaries, lingustic or otherwise. if the music and singer is good, it really doesn't matter if you understand the lyrics anot..just like most people don't understand what pavarotti is singing in italian, but you would still be impressed by him.

閻奕格 is too imba. really. everything was done to perfection, nothing too much, nothing less. kudos to her. i'm impressed. very impressed.

there comes a time for singers, when key, pitching, rhymth, breathing, grooving doesn't really matter anymore. what matters is the picture you are trying to draw, what exactly are you trying to convey...sadness, anger, happiness, lovesickness? the image, so clearly drawn by the singer, proves her capability.

in the end, it's not the basics that make music. it's not the pitching, though it forms the fundamentals of good music. it's the ability to tell a story. the ability to paint out what you are feeling right now. the ability to describe in detail the story you are about to tell.

in 閻奕格's case, such a clear picture, of a lost love, of departure. she sings, with her experiences in life.

she is my aim, the pinnacle of music.

to draw the picture, in my own colours. in my unique set of colours.

fail fail fail.

by 10s. bloody hell. for a freaking 10s, i have to rebook, re-take leave, redo this whole damn ippt. extremely pissed off.

pissed off with myself, first and foremost. for not making the additional 10joule of energy burst to reach the finish line 10s earlier.

pissed with the PTI.

pissed with the whole system of having to do ippt in the first place.

just pissed.

------------------------

do you get this niggling feeling, that you're doing the wrong things, saying the wrong stuff? or that your best effort is never enough? or that your emphasis on life is changing?

coz i've been getting that alot recently..hmm...

i think...

i think, i'm still a distance away from the man i want to be.

i think, i'm just like a normal person after all.

i think, i've learned the importance of having someone who understands you by your side, and i never wanna let it go.

i think, when depressing thoughts come through my mind, i need to learn how to banish them and not let it affect me.

i think, i've understood the meaning of love. perhaps, just perhaps, i'm on the path of truly understanding myself.

因为你是我的眼
让我看见这世界就在我眼前..

Jansen

22/06/2010

The day when the truth dawned.

to my dear=)

in about 4 hours time, i'll be going off to hong kong for holiday with my parents for 8 days...

Will miss my dear so.. soo soo much=X

Hugs my dear=PPP

Anything still can message me okays?=) And don't forget our dates on the 19th and 25th=)

Love

Jansen=)

recent happenings

haven't exactly had the time and the mood to update my blog these few days, but lots of things happened.

firstly, now i'm back at iras! like finally. heh. and just finished the training phase again, will be officially on the line from tomorrow. hopefully no stupid people with stupid questions spoil my day tomorrow. LOL. there are just too many weird people around =P

next, results release yesterday. well i think i did better than i expected myself to, coz i was kinda expecting not so good grades for eg1413 and ssa2204, especially after the final examination, especially for ss. luckily, the lecturers/markers happen to like what i wrote and i have decent grades for both. ss is really a fluke; i really thought i was destined to S/U it after my 2nd class test got B-... lucky lucky..now i save one s/u for further use=P.

planning ahead, i just looked at the recommended schedule for next semester and beyond. looks like a really evil timetable. wonder if i should overload next sem with another gem or uem that i can (at least) afford to S/U if i don't do so well. that would free up my sem 6 and sem 7 to do more focused study on the really horrendously evil modules like cm3221, which smells of pure vindictive evilness after the cm2121 i took this sem, and cm4222. LOL. i just need to say the module title and you'll understand.

cm3221: organic synthesis and spectroscopy

cm4222: ADVANCED organic synthesis and spectroscopy.

well its a lvl 4000 module after all. confirm gonna be hard -.-

but for now, let's enjoy work (while it lasts and money comes into my bank account), enjoy the hols ( going overseas in mid june) and enjoy spending time with my dear (:

music and me

a very boring day in terms of things done, but did alot of thinking.

finally decided to watch the finals of xing guang competition. and the show was unexpectedly good! i loved the part on kenny G's performance and his impromptu collaboration with xiao pang. that's the true spirit of music; you do not need too many rehearsals, too much preparation work, when you step onto the stage, you're a musician (or a singer) and you just go with the flow of the music.

music, soothes my soul.

was feeling very down today, for god-knows what reason. i shouldn't really be lazing around, coz when i am, i just feel depressed. LOL. workaholic me. didn't have anyone to talk to, since dear went out with her friends and sis went for work.

maybe i'm just a possessive freak, but i just wanted someone there to rant to. didn't have any inspiration to blog today (until now). only had music to accompany me. indeed, music is always there.

the cure to everything, as my blog title suggests.

haiz. this is strange. just randomly depressed. wonder why.

couldn't bring myself to disturb my dear, since she was having fun with her friends and i didn't wanna infect her with my depression bug. kept checking my phone though (compulsive disorder already), and wished for something, something, something to appear, but it didn't.

music, heals, remedies my soul...

the superman who can't fly

如果超人会飞

那就让我在空中停一停歇

再次俯瞰这个世界

会让我 觉得好一些

拯救地球好累

虽然有些疲惫但我还是会
不要问我哭过了没

因为超人不能流眼泪

we fail to realise that the supermen around us have their weak spots as well. even as you think they 'wouldn't mind', 'are capable of doing it', does it ever occur that they have no choice? that if no one does it, no one will do the dirty work?

and who symphatises with them? who understands them? who helps them?

most of us just take them for granted, or simply assume that they can handle it, on the basis that 'oh they have done it before' or 'i'm sure he doesn't mind'.

Supermen, too, need a break. need love, need protection, need the world to understand them, need to be appreciated.

give superman, like jay, a break.

this is weird!!

weird is the only word i have to describe the performance at kovan today. really really weird. maybe its because my experience in this is lacking, but singing in front of the old folks was really really strange and awkward. lol. although all the performers were youngsters like me (and people approved of my singing! yay!), the atmosphere was just plain...

weird.

lol.

never mind, for the experience=)

maybe i should really think about a holiday job at dragonfly. sounds like a viable option too...

anyway, this song is boomz!!

今晚你想念的人是不是我/A-Lin

是你找到了我
在我的心中刻下了你的承诺
难道你不遵守

思念纠缠着我
闭上眼我就忘了恨你的理由
想起那些温柔
你为什么 放开我的双手
我试着体会 生命充满各种苦衷

我在黑暗之中寻找幸福的下落

等待原来那颗流星划过我天空
总要在说完再见以后 才开始明白爱多浓
今晚你想念的人是不是我

因为绝望 所以学会祈求
我也不想让心痛对我予取予求

想要爱到最后的最后
想要和你再一次牵手
除非我背叛我的灵魂
除非我可以假装快乐
除非你忍心放我一个人 难过
一无所有 我的天空
等你回头 OH NO NO NO~~~

我想念的人 会不会懂...

this song is boomz! arrangement, vocals, everything...is good. hehe. my new idol=P