headache. work to do. troubled mind. does it get worse?

onset of depression

phew. 4/5 of this super taxing week is over. 1 more 9hr day and i'm done for the week. yay. although there's nothing to look forward to during the weekend. weekend seems like the time to do all the lab reports, tutorials and assignments whose deadlines are fast approaching. not to mention the SS CA next wed.

how encouraging.

like its not enough trying to get work done during the weekdays, i have to sacrifice the weekend too. no choice.

haven't had much choice recently. haven't had much optimism recently too. everyday just seems to be such a burden, thinking of what's gonna happen the next day.

i wake up, staying awake thinking of all the stuffs i still have to do, and breathe a heavy sigh. i can't remember the last time i felt happy waking up, thinking its gonna be a GOOD day, without having to rush from one place to another, without having to worry about school, without having to think about work and more work.

haiz.

depression getting serious.

all i can hope is that next week is better. it better be better.

CNY, CNY come quickly... ... ...

smiles, all over my face...

you have no idea how much it means to me; i was smiling with ear to ear when you said that=). even though it's not confirmed, but...

makes me equally happy. and that's all that matters=)

and i'm sure cny week will be a good week=) intuition.

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the worst will be over by next week.

i think in whatever one does, you must have determination and perseverance to see it through. to put in the hard work first, before throwing in the towel early and declaring that it cannot be done. you haven't tried, how do you know it cannot be done?

and to use the no-time factor isn't exactly that valid to me either. so you are the only person who has studies and CCA to juggle?

all in all, it comes down to your mindset, whether you want it to happen or not.

if you don't, just screw off and wallow in your self-pity.

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i realise i do work MUCH MUCH faster in school. i finished CN1111 and MA1506 tut in school today, although i kind of don't really know how to tackle some of the questions. but as the tutor says, trying and getting it wrong is better than not trying at all. at least, you went through the most important phase: the thinking process.

tasks for this weekend: CM2121 lab report! most important. need to finish by saturday. and do EG1413 tutorial 4 and start on assignment 1.

EG is becoming quite a pain. sitting through 2 hours of that is like sitting through GP in JC. equally, if not more, boring. worst thing is, cannot don't go=X. grr.

next week, week 4, is hellhole of a week. it's THE week in which i have everything. really everything. all my even week tutorials, my even week labs, my chem labs ALL fall on week 4. and i revise my statement on my tagboard; it's 33 hours of lesson next week.

woohoo. wish me luck.

but as i say, if you never try, how you know you won't succeed?=)

culture shock

first cm2121 lab today. wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. i realise, sometimes it's better to expect the worst, and when in reality it isn't that bad, you feel better. and relieved, that it isn't so shitty after all.

the first part of the experiment was scraped, with the compound given directly to us instead of us synthesizing it ourselves. thank god. i would be at that poorly ventilated, stuffy lab for another two hours if i needed to synthesize cyclopentadiene directly. and already i left the lab at 4pm.-.- aaron (doing expt 1) was still halfway through his experiment when i left.-.-

and most of us have no clue why we are doing what we are doing. IR spectroscopy? NMR? TLC? what the hell? never learnt it before. seems like the chemistry dept and the chem engin dept conveniently forgot that we chem engin students never learnt that in cm1501, which was taught by zhang sheng anyway.

grr..and zhang sheng's reply to our question on how to do the report was epic.

"So if you guys have not learnt IR spectro, don't need to include it in your report. Since you all don't know what it's about also."

hmm. really? so if i get a C for my report, do I complain that it's you who told us to do that?

i think not.

whatever. i'll just do my best and hope for the best.

feel nauseous after the lab as i was heading to central library. maybe breathed in cyclopentadiene and fumaric acid fumes.-.-

haiz. time to chiong report this weekend=X

feeling sucky. not sure why.

got this sense of impending doom about tomorrow. 10-7. such a cold feeling when i think about it. let's hope everything turns out well.

don't feel like doing anything today, just wanted to vent. for once, even singing doesn't help.=X

...

argh.

musings

should i stop giving advice? hmm. seems like the conclusion i draw after taking into consideration all the pros and cons of the situation, isn't a very desirable conclusion after all. well, will avoid being a consultant from now on.

sometimes when you are an outsider giving advice, you don't understand the inherent priorities of the person. And what seems the best choice from your objective viewpoint, doesn't necessarily appeal to the person.

now i know.

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had a very interesting talk yesterday evening when i stayed in school to do tutorials. 'learnt' alot of new stuff, or 'intel' as i would call it.

It is amazing how, really, irrational things done can just capture the attention of fellow humans. It's when people think...hmm, why is this happening, that you begin to delve into the whys and how comes of the issue. Unique.

And i'm glad (for lack of a better word) that some of us have a common consensus, or common analysis, of the nature of one. i've had doubts for quite some time, and it's interesting to note that others have been observing the same thing. Flawed character, however, isn't as scary as flawed intent. Reason being, you have no control over your inherent character but you have control over what you do. food for thought. Unique X 2.

and the interesting 'supernova' effect. for the sake of not infringing copyright, i've modified the name slightly=P. i think it's a social phenomena worth pondering about. and it makes sense actually. But it's what happens after the phenomena occurs that's disturbing. will the 'interest' last? when all the attention is gone, when everything dies down, will 'interest' turn into 'disinterest'?

--Don't worry if you don't understand; if you don't, it just means you aren't supposed to know.=P--