the meaning of happiness

everything going wrong today, falling apart like my life is.

they say that one climbs up after falling, and learning from his mistakes. you've heard it since primary school. but when you do fall, you'll realise how difficult it is to climb all the way up again, especially when you have nobody to give you a hand.

i've never really expected much. all along, my train of thought was study, work and eventually die. why do we study? so as to get a good job. why do we need to get a good job? so that we can live comfortably. why do we want to live comfortably? because that would make us happy and satisfied.

or is it?

would someone really be happy upon finding a good paying job? would someone really be happy upon getting excellent grades?

what's the point? why not just skip to the last part, which is death? why lead a 'fulfilling' life, when you yourself never know what fulfilling entails?

are we all just misguided beings not knowing what actually makes us happy?

i'm really starting to get the picture that the world isn't as rosy as people think it is. it makes just about as much sense as my dad hollering at me when i reached home, for no apparent reason, citing 'a whole day at work' as the reason for his foul mood.

do you remember when was the last time you were really happy? truly happy, and not just happy coz you found a good job, you had a salary increase, you have good grades etc etc. when was the last time you felt like you were so happy you owned the world?

can you really remember? or was there even such a time at all?

lots of people say life sucks, screw my life. me included. but nothing sucks more than the realisation that the happiness everybody is craving for, doesn't really exist.

at least for me...

on another note, job at iras got postponed till 'further notice'. and it was them who hurriedly asked me if i was able to go back to work earlier. now i think they have too many temp staff there. it's typical of her, to raise hopes and to dampen them. disgusting, the way she manipulates people to obtain her ends. even if she has a good reason, have the decency to call and tell directly instead of getting underlings to do the dirty work for you.

very free tomorrow, anybody wants to go out?