big luck and small luck

i'm a firm believer of luck...no luck, and nothing gets going for you...luck like catching the train on time, getting the last packet of breakfast, getting the least troublesome calls, getting the best lunchtime...

but that's 'small' luck...luck that has to do with everyday life...luck that, even if you don't have, probably won't hurt you much...so wat if u get a troublesome call? so wat if ur lunchtime suck?its juz for one day, maximum one week...

big luck is about life changing decisions that go your way...big luck like getting sponsorship for university, like getting into medicine n being able to practise as a doctor, like being able to tell the one you cherish that you love him/her...

which one would you prefer?

a shitty everyday life but major decisions go your way, or a smooth everyday life, but a horrible piece of bad luck that arrives just in time to curb ur most desired desire?

i would rather have the earlier...

i've never had the privilege of having big luck...in fact the 3 scenarios above has happened to me before...

i keep telling myself, life has a way of working out for you...for every door that closes on you, a new door opens...that provides newer alternatives...n i always use this to counsel others too=X...for most part this theory is true...if i did get accepted by medicine, i wouldn't have completed army and wouldn't have learnt things that forced me to grow up...i wouldn't have joined a vocal school...i wouldn't have joined iras n met the amazing people there...and i most certainly wouldn't have been able to find the best friendship in this world that is ladden with betrayal n back-stabbing...

but alas...in the deepest, darkest moments of my life i find myself thinking of all the what-ifs...what if this had happened...wat if i had taken action sooner...wat if i hadn't hesitated...wat if...and the list goes on and on...

i find myself thinking of wat might be if i've had that tiniest piece of luck.

i find myself thinking of wat might be if i had followed my gut instinct.

i find myself thinking of wat might be if i hadn't met you.

if there is a God, tell me what is my next step...give me a hint, at the very least, of what i should do...please...