long time coming, in more ways than one

haven't blogged in eons, since like the third week of term. how ironic then, that i'm blogging the day before the first final exam tomorrow =P

so much have happened since my last post, too much to write. maybe during the holidays when there is time =P. but well, i'm glad that the semester 3 is coming to an end. too slow though, can it like come NOW??

GRR.

studying is such a chore.

i went for a paid gig yesterday at the grand hyatt. it was a really weird yet interesting show. like seriously. luckily when i was singing there were hardly anybody left, or rather, the people there were dancing like crazy. totally weird max. i feared for the ladies's safety when they went on stage, considering there were semi drunk and wholly drunk people in the ballroom that looked that they would go on stage to hug them. LOL.

interesting experience, but hopefully more normal gigs next time. hmm. since its year end, many companies are going to have their DnDs. any chance of more paid gigs? =DD i want i want! more money for christmas hopefully =D

back to studies then. two more freaking weeks before i can finally rest. sighh..

P.S.: Wanna spend more time with my dear during the holidays =DD another reason for exams to quickly end=P

7 days not enough!

相爱没有那麽容易

每个人有他的脾气
过了爱做梦的年纪

轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那麽容易

才会特别让人着迷
什麽都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心 所以最开心

曾经...

黄小琥---没那么简单

Just watched the finals of xing guang quan qi competition, like two weeks after the finals was broadcast live. how slow i am huh? no time due to lots of things going on =X. but anyway, saw many good performances and was reminded of the above song. such a nice song=)

fell sick with fever last week. 2nd time in 4 weeks that i've fallen sick. zzz.. being sick sucks. luckily i recovered before voices welcome tea on thursday. think i did okay for a performance that i only sung with the band for 30 minutes? acceptable standard ba. haha..

school is a bitch now. seriously, the labs are getting on my nerves -.- 6 hour labs on even weeks, 4 hour labs on odd weeks, with lab reports thrown into the fray. luckily the 6hr one there are zai group members who do their share of the work, so although the lab itself is taxing, it helps to have friends sharing the burden. as always, having friends around makes one feel much better.

Realised this sem is really very shiong. on a (randomly) crazy week, my days are 6,6,8,6,4 hours from monday to friday. although, effectively, this sem there are only 2 tutorials, all the lsm modules need to review after the lecture. concepts not so easy to grasp, and in certain cases, too many things to memorise that cannot be internalised during the lecture itself.

as usual, 7 days a week not enough. thankfully i have dates with dear to look forward to. my weekly recharging day=P recharged with energy and love=D

thanks dear, for always being there for me=) you colour my life=)

school so far

and so it nears the second week of school. as of now, school isn't very taxing yet, but I know it will pick up really soon, when all the labs kick in. precisely why I'm trying to make sure I understand everything that is being taught.

which is precisely why i detest profs that simply can't articulate his words well. as aaron said, it's not his accent, coz many PRC lecturers have the same accent. it's his poor articulation, and all his pauses in the midst of a sentence just serves to distract us from what he wants to teach. what's more, his lecture lasted 2.5 hrs. can you imagine, a freaking 2.5 hr long lecture with him rambling on and on? -.-

had to revise what he taught at home by myself today, using edwin's textbook. rather thankful for the group of CSP/former CSP friends i have made, like aaron, edwin, songhoe etc.. school seems much less monotonous with them around. and having aaron around for all my mods is exceptionally good, whatever i don't catch, he gets it, and vice versa. always good to have a friend around for a random module that no one has taken before, especially so when he's analytically sharp and discerning.

i find myself warming up for the challenges ahead, but not fully prepared yet. gonna need to put in the 110% in my work.

when the going gets tough, the tough gets going, right?

and there it all begins again

well, today's the last day of the three month long holidays and i've fallen sick. how nice. i fell sick like 3 times during the course of these 3 months, hopefully won't be sick again for a long long time.

things to accomplish during the new semester:

1) apply for SEP to US in sem 5!

2) find good attachments/internships at oil/product companies or banks/big four.

3) study hard and maintain my CAP.

and of course not forgetting, spending time with my dear=) that is of paramount importance=) walking down siglap road yesterday without your hand in mine was a weird feeling =X

-----------------------------------------------------

new friends come, old friends go. unfortunately, there isn't anything much i can do about it. as they get to know more people, get exposed to more things, they'll drift further and further away. to me, those that stay are those that'll be your lifelong friends. my lifelong friends. friends who will stay no matter what.

and so, one or two of these are sufficient=)

i don't lament the loss of friends, because it's their choice and their path to take; who am i to keep them? regardless of whether it's a misunderstanding, or whether it is purely because we've drifted apart, if they feel it's best for them, so be it.

i don't know how the future is like, but i would just wanna hold those people close to me closer. like my dear, those true friends...=)

regis-advenio-nunc

ciao

so i'm gonna be off to my next camp. and bidding starts on monday. and i have a performance on monday too.

holy.

life's like that man.

it takes 1 afternoon to make your day, but just 1 call to destroy everything...

well contrary to the title of this post, i'm gonna start off with something happy first=)

had a lovely night yesterday, spent with my dear=) well actually every night spent with her is lovely, just that yesterday more so=) strange that time passes soo fast everytime it comes to this particular day of the month, but it's okay...i always look forward to the one next month=)

and then my cors stuffs are almost settled. after two calls to the admin IC, apparently by tomorrow, they'll get the prof to waive off the prerequisite so that we can bid for that mod. and also received confirmation that the life sci mods will be preallocated, so no worries there...what's left is the sixth and (hopefully) last module. toying with the idea of taking eg2401 (and i may die taking that) or an arts gem. politics seem interesting...

and to the unholy call i had today. man, i realise i have limitless tolerance dealing with imbeciles, but if and only if i have NO CHOICE but to tahan them. okay, granted that he was right in his argument that everything isn't his fault and its the gahment statboards that screwed up (or rather, just a single officer. it's unfair to say that the statboard is inefficient just because of a single civil servant).

i pity the shithole he is in, that he received the shock of his life to open his letterbox and see a bill waiting for him, when he thought he paid up in full. and i did, throughout the course of the whole conversation, did assure him multiple times that i'm gonna stop any penalties whatsoever for him.

well, that was before he started complaining about the hassle, complain about the service, complain about HDB, complain about the way we bill, complain yada yada yada... before singaporeans complain about the gahment, or the way gahment agencies do things, they oughta take a cold hard look at themselves. i think many of us are too used to having things their way, that when they encounter setbacks or things that happen not to go their ideal path, they just go screaming and screaming.

compare yourselves to other people in other countries. you think the customer service is gonna talk to you nicely as you rant? think about it, before you decide to launch your endless tirade at the poor fellow.

geez...sometimes, i really cannot stand my fellow countrymen..

singaporeans love to complain. i just proved i'm singaporean.

just read an interesting article off the forum in hardwarezone about property tax. there was this netizen who got uber pissed that IRAS sent her elderly mother a late payment advice demanding payment for outstanding property tax.

He claims that IRAS sent a disturbing letter to his mother, who is only the secondary owner, because his sister, the primary owner, failed to pay her tax.

His questions were: why is the govt so heartless as to force an old lady to make payment and threaten to freeze her bank account when she isn't even liable to pay it in the first place?

look at it this way: everybody has a reason to avoid paying tax. some people quote financial difficulties, some people claim they are elderly, some people claim they are overseas...etc etc. does that mean all these people don't need to pay tax?

The tax administration has a responsibility to make sure everybody in Singapore earning an income and owning a property pays their tax accordingly, with no exceptions in between. no one is an exception, and precisely because of that, everyone has to pay. if exceptions are made, people will start asking questions as to what is the rationale behind the exception, and all hell breaks loose.

I'm neither a PAP supporter, nor against the PAP. but facts speak for itself. people complain, but they should know, deep down, that this is right. this is the way to do things. don't trade things that you don't know, for things that you know already work. i mean, how do you know that if you vote in the Opposition, they will do things exactly as you want them to?

How do you know that if (a very big if) they get voted into power, they will improve conditions? improve the way of life of Singaporeans now? how do you know if they will deliver what they say instead of making things worst then they are now?

bear in mind, a lot of the Opposition MPs have scarce experience working in the public sector. do they know how IRAS work? do they know what GIC does?

passing the baton into unexperienced hands might just lead to unexpected and unwanted consequences that could, overnight, plunge the nation into political instability. my view is that, yes maybe Singapore do need some opposition MPs, just to keep a check on the political lopsidedness. but do you really want things to change from what it is now?

being used to wealth and good living conditions, can we really weather a major change in political change?

food for thought.

in short, Singaporeans just love to complain. when things are done efficiently they complain. when things are done slowly, they also complain.

which brings me to my next topic.

since i'm singaporean, i complain too.

lol..the irony.

as usual, at the start of every sem, i have to delve through the chem eng dept and the life sciences dept in order to get what i want. can't they, for once, just make sure that things are done even before i spam them with emails?-.- seems like they must always be pushed pushed pushed before they can move their sorry butts and get their work done.

and in any case, in NUS, the minority group is always disadvantaged. just because we are the minority, our interests are usually left out until the very end, or until we complain that something needs to be done.

every start of sem, it's like we have to wage a war against the dept office, before they will look at our requests.

NUS really, stands for No Use Studying.

让一切随风...

风中风中 心里冷风

吹失了梦

事未过去 就已失踪

此刻有种种心痛

心中心中 一切似空
天黑天光都似梦
迷迷惘惘 聚满心中
追踪一片冷的风

各种空虚 冷冷冷
吹起吹起风里梦
过去的心 火般灼热
今天已变了冰冻

记忆中 突然又痛
只因空虚再作弄
你似北风 吹走我梦
就让一切随风

haven't posted any nice songs recently. haven't had the time or mood to actually listen to new songs these few weeks. but today, as i was having my weekly dose of xing guang, came across this song sung by 閻奕格. My first impression was, why the hell is she in this competition?? she's far far too good for this. far too good. gawd. the rest of the comtestants totally pale in comparison.

began having goosebumps by the pre-chorus. it's a canto song and she isn't even cantonese, yet she brings out the meaning of the song so succinctly. i was so impressed i ripped her cover into a mp3 version. and one of the judges aptly said:' i don't understand cantonese, but i was drawn into the song by the emotion and groove of the singer. didn't need to understand the lyrics, her singing made me understand what it was all about.'

so powerful, music is. such a powerful tool.

music transcends boundaries, lingustic or otherwise. if the music and singer is good, it really doesn't matter if you understand the lyrics anot..just like most people don't understand what pavarotti is singing in italian, but you would still be impressed by him.

閻奕格 is too imba. really. everything was done to perfection, nothing too much, nothing less. kudos to her. i'm impressed. very impressed.

there comes a time for singers, when key, pitching, rhymth, breathing, grooving doesn't really matter anymore. what matters is the picture you are trying to draw, what exactly are you trying to convey...sadness, anger, happiness, lovesickness? the image, so clearly drawn by the singer, proves her capability.

in the end, it's not the basics that make music. it's not the pitching, though it forms the fundamentals of good music. it's the ability to tell a story. the ability to paint out what you are feeling right now. the ability to describe in detail the story you are about to tell.

in 閻奕格's case, such a clear picture, of a lost love, of departure. she sings, with her experiences in life.

she is my aim, the pinnacle of music.

to draw the picture, in my own colours. in my unique set of colours.

fail fail fail.

by 10s. bloody hell. for a freaking 10s, i have to rebook, re-take leave, redo this whole damn ippt. extremely pissed off.

pissed off with myself, first and foremost. for not making the additional 10joule of energy burst to reach the finish line 10s earlier.

pissed with the PTI.

pissed with the whole system of having to do ippt in the first place.

just pissed.

------------------------

do you get this niggling feeling, that you're doing the wrong things, saying the wrong stuff? or that your best effort is never enough? or that your emphasis on life is changing?

coz i've been getting that alot recently..hmm...

i think...

i think, i'm still a distance away from the man i want to be.

i think, i'm just like a normal person after all.

i think, i've learned the importance of having someone who understands you by your side, and i never wanna let it go.

i think, when depressing thoughts come through my mind, i need to learn how to banish them and not let it affect me.

i think, i've understood the meaning of love. perhaps, just perhaps, i'm on the path of truly understanding myself.

因为你是我的眼
让我看见这世界就在我眼前..

Jansen

22/06/2010

The day when the truth dawned.

to my dear=)

in about 4 hours time, i'll be going off to hong kong for holiday with my parents for 8 days...

Will miss my dear so.. soo soo much=X

Hugs my dear=PPP

Anything still can message me okays?=) And don't forget our dates on the 19th and 25th=)

Love

Jansen=)

recent happenings

haven't exactly had the time and the mood to update my blog these few days, but lots of things happened.

firstly, now i'm back at iras! like finally. heh. and just finished the training phase again, will be officially on the line from tomorrow. hopefully no stupid people with stupid questions spoil my day tomorrow. LOL. there are just too many weird people around =P

next, results release yesterday. well i think i did better than i expected myself to, coz i was kinda expecting not so good grades for eg1413 and ssa2204, especially after the final examination, especially for ss. luckily, the lecturers/markers happen to like what i wrote and i have decent grades for both. ss is really a fluke; i really thought i was destined to S/U it after my 2nd class test got B-... lucky lucky..now i save one s/u for further use=P.

planning ahead, i just looked at the recommended schedule for next semester and beyond. looks like a really evil timetable. wonder if i should overload next sem with another gem or uem that i can (at least) afford to S/U if i don't do so well. that would free up my sem 6 and sem 7 to do more focused study on the really horrendously evil modules like cm3221, which smells of pure vindictive evilness after the cm2121 i took this sem, and cm4222. LOL. i just need to say the module title and you'll understand.

cm3221: organic synthesis and spectroscopy

cm4222: ADVANCED organic synthesis and spectroscopy.

well its a lvl 4000 module after all. confirm gonna be hard -.-

but for now, let's enjoy work (while it lasts and money comes into my bank account), enjoy the hols ( going overseas in mid june) and enjoy spending time with my dear (:

music and me

a very boring day in terms of things done, but did alot of thinking.

finally decided to watch the finals of xing guang competition. and the show was unexpectedly good! i loved the part on kenny G's performance and his impromptu collaboration with xiao pang. that's the true spirit of music; you do not need too many rehearsals, too much preparation work, when you step onto the stage, you're a musician (or a singer) and you just go with the flow of the music.

music, soothes my soul.

was feeling very down today, for god-knows what reason. i shouldn't really be lazing around, coz when i am, i just feel depressed. LOL. workaholic me. didn't have anyone to talk to, since dear went out with her friends and sis went for work.

maybe i'm just a possessive freak, but i just wanted someone there to rant to. didn't have any inspiration to blog today (until now). only had music to accompany me. indeed, music is always there.

the cure to everything, as my blog title suggests.

haiz. this is strange. just randomly depressed. wonder why.

couldn't bring myself to disturb my dear, since she was having fun with her friends and i didn't wanna infect her with my depression bug. kept checking my phone though (compulsive disorder already), and wished for something, something, something to appear, but it didn't.

music, heals, remedies my soul...

the superman who can't fly

如果超人会飞

那就让我在空中停一停歇

再次俯瞰这个世界

会让我 觉得好一些

拯救地球好累

虽然有些疲惫但我还是会
不要问我哭过了没

因为超人不能流眼泪

we fail to realise that the supermen around us have their weak spots as well. even as you think they 'wouldn't mind', 'are capable of doing it', does it ever occur that they have no choice? that if no one does it, no one will do the dirty work?

and who symphatises with them? who understands them? who helps them?

most of us just take them for granted, or simply assume that they can handle it, on the basis that 'oh they have done it before' or 'i'm sure he doesn't mind'.

Supermen, too, need a break. need love, need protection, need the world to understand them, need to be appreciated.

give superman, like jay, a break.

this is weird!!

weird is the only word i have to describe the performance at kovan today. really really weird. maybe its because my experience in this is lacking, but singing in front of the old folks was really really strange and awkward. lol. although all the performers were youngsters like me (and people approved of my singing! yay!), the atmosphere was just plain...

weird.

lol.

never mind, for the experience=)

maybe i should really think about a holiday job at dragonfly. sounds like a viable option too...

anyway, this song is boomz!!

今晚你想念的人是不是我/A-Lin

是你找到了我
在我的心中刻下了你的承诺
难道你不遵守

思念纠缠着我
闭上眼我就忘了恨你的理由
想起那些温柔
你为什么 放开我的双手
我试着体会 生命充满各种苦衷

我在黑暗之中寻找幸福的下落

等待原来那颗流星划过我天空
总要在说完再见以后 才开始明白爱多浓
今晚你想念的人是不是我

因为绝望 所以学会祈求
我也不想让心痛对我予取予求

想要爱到最后的最后
想要和你再一次牵手
除非我背叛我的灵魂
除非我可以假装快乐
除非你忍心放我一个人 难过
一无所有 我的天空
等你回头 OH NO NO NO~~~

我想念的人 会不会懂...

this song is boomz! arrangement, vocals, everything...is good. hehe. my new idol=P

tired..

sometimes, a brief separation is all you need, to know how important someone is to you. and this is when i realise how important you are to me.

you're all i'll ever need dear. all i'll ever need =)

------------------------------

hmm...i hate my former boss...she's really...such a goddamn bitch. never mind, maybe god is telling me i should take a break, or focus on other stuffs, or pursue my dreams=) i'll try to, if the opportunities do come knocking...

and i'm damnn tired, after not sleeping the whole of last night at chalet...zzz...and i have to wake at 630 tomorrow! which is wth...tiredd -.-

it's raining...

it rains...rains, rains and continues to rain...

sometimes it pours when i think about stuffs. stuffs that i force myself to think. but usually it's raining.

how do i stop the flow?

do i get used to waking up in cold sweat, reminded of the same nightmare over and over again? do i get used to it all?

how?

teach me...

how to curb the rain...

原来, 我不是我想像的那么勇敢

the meaning of happiness

everything going wrong today, falling apart like my life is.

they say that one climbs up after falling, and learning from his mistakes. you've heard it since primary school. but when you do fall, you'll realise how difficult it is to climb all the way up again, especially when you have nobody to give you a hand.

i've never really expected much. all along, my train of thought was study, work and eventually die. why do we study? so as to get a good job. why do we need to get a good job? so that we can live comfortably. why do we want to live comfortably? because that would make us happy and satisfied.

or is it?

would someone really be happy upon finding a good paying job? would someone really be happy upon getting excellent grades?

what's the point? why not just skip to the last part, which is death? why lead a 'fulfilling' life, when you yourself never know what fulfilling entails?

are we all just misguided beings not knowing what actually makes us happy?

i'm really starting to get the picture that the world isn't as rosy as people think it is. it makes just about as much sense as my dad hollering at me when i reached home, for no apparent reason, citing 'a whole day at work' as the reason for his foul mood.

do you remember when was the last time you were really happy? truly happy, and not just happy coz you found a good job, you had a salary increase, you have good grades etc etc. when was the last time you felt like you were so happy you owned the world?

can you really remember? or was there even such a time at all?

lots of people say life sucks, screw my life. me included. but nothing sucks more than the realisation that the happiness everybody is craving for, doesn't really exist.

at least for me...

on another note, job at iras got postponed till 'further notice'. and it was them who hurriedly asked me if i was able to go back to work earlier. now i think they have too many temp staff there. it's typical of her, to raise hopes and to dampen them. disgusting, the way she manipulates people to obtain her ends. even if she has a good reason, have the decency to call and tell directly instead of getting underlings to do the dirty work for you.

very free tomorrow, anybody wants to go out?

it's strange how so much has changed over the 3 days i was away. so, so much. just when i was feeling liberated after all the fresh air i breathed in at Genting, it's news that i don't want to hear that greets me in Singapore.

because, i don't want it to be goodbye.

how strange too that the last time it was a face to face was when i just fell sick on Friday. Friday...sounds so long ago now...

eons ago.

i just hope, it's not the last time...

Post Exam Sickness...

realised i haven't posted anything since the end of the exams...oops...been a little busy going out with the important person=)

anyways, exams are over!yay!year 1 down, 3 more years to go before graduation and 40 more years of working... provided i do live that long...but well never mind...take things one thing at a time. be glad that at least this sem's exams are over and take a well deserved break.

the post exam curse is back. for some reason after every major exam i'll just fall horribly sick and unable to play just when i'm relieved of all the stress. sickening. and i just caught the flu, though i'm still going genting tomorrow. will be back by tuesday, wednesday going back to school for voices main comm elections and oweek meeting, thurs going back to work. at iras.

packed huh?

my dear is more busy though=P

not gonna take tuition already, it's too much of a pain though it's a real good money spinner. lol. don't wanna sell my brain and kill what remains of it by teaching tuition. work at iras should be interesting. gotta get all my PR skills and tax knowledge back after a good 1 year absence. haha.

argghhh...sore throattt!!!

last day.

and so it's the last day!yay!finally here. spent 4 days on this module, reading notes, summaries, textbook, past year papers, tutorials and still not feel prepared. LOL.

tells you what a crazy module this is. they can set any kind of questions, and still won't be able to solve even if you have mugged all the topics like hell.

whatever, just hope everyone feels that way and the famous engineering bell curve does its job.

last paper last paper last paper! grrr...

breaking free...

life's too short to be stubborn about some things. even things that constitute my beliefs, ideals...things that make me me.

perhaps i should just accept things as they come. instead on insisting for it to happen, or insisting it to be my way. life's just...too short. unexpected things happen, and maybe i should just be thankful i'm alive and kicking and be contented with my life.

or just...that's the way things are shaping up to be. to be contented with your lot, with what you've been bestowed...

trying free from my self-imposed shackles. it probably won't be easy. okay it isn't easy at all. maybe i'll fail. or perhaps i'll succeed. in telling myself it doesn't matter...does it? am i kidding myself?

haha. an absolutely random post. just thinking alot.

sometimes i feel i'm not my own priority. ignoring the niggling feeling that 'this isn't right' that's blaring away in my brain. maybe i can learn to not be so concerned. can i? can i really not be concerned?

life's just too short. regret is too painful a friend to make.

生命尽头反正一场空

Because one must live life to the fullest...

it's ending soon!

and finally i'm past the halfway mark of the exams. 3 papers down, 3 more to go. yay! it's ending it's ending it's finally ending!

kind of envious of those people who end exams tomorrow after maths paper. lol. i still have like 6 days?? really wth. they had to put cn exam on a super spastic date, though it's kind of good exams-wise to spread it out. but still..... next wed is still eons away -.-

i need to have more confidence in myself...zzz.

time to hit the sheets and mug again tomorrow morning. somehow, i prefer working to studying. so much more enjoyable. at least, don't need to stay up late to study and you can enjoy the rest of the night once you're done at work. grr...shall look forward to the hols...

cynical cynical me.

明天过后/吴克群

你问我
明天过后又如何
冰天雪地里我们怎么活着

我笑了
笑你太傻又太笨
但自己心中却确定了

我小心抱着你的手就温暖了
睡着或醒着
我的手为你加温
就算明天崩塌又如何
我们手握着
外面天再冷全都有我负责

也许我有时太傻太呆又太闷
甜言蜜语不是我的风格
但请相信
这心从来不会少一分
多嘴的人原来从不会认真...

this song was the theme song for the taiwan release of the movie The Day After Tomorrow. was reminded of the movie when i heard this song... rather sweet lyrics, just wished the singer sung better =S.

feeling very cynical today. went to school early for eg exam. notwithstanding the result of that module, at least the exam for it is over. the only time i'll care about it is when the exam results are released. got back results for Position Paper and Oral Defence. Probably considered an average mark, so i guess the best mark i can hope for it is B+? i have never heard of anybody getting an A+ for eg1413 -.- or is it because that is non-existent? coz if it's so, then statistically speaking it is more difficult to get a good grade for it and hence a cap-downer.

met yuern before the exam, funny as usual =D. was telling me about his impending ICT =P. well, i thank my lucky stars that i (most probably) don't have to go for ICT until the end of my university studies. which reminds me, need to take my IPPT during the holidays...zzz.

And i'm going back iras to work after the exams and after the genting trip =D yay. don't mind going back there again, especially since i don't really need to learn much more (probably brush up on my tax knowledge, abit out of touch). steady source of income, at least?

And there's the main comm selection the day after i return from genting. abit coincidental. wondering if i should apply...hmm.not too sure if i have enough time to spare next sem and next next to warrant a place in the main comm. will decide after the exams i guess. but i think...it's unlikely. i'm interested in performing, probably not so much the planning and logistics part of it. seeing how joel and ko worked for emerge, *shudders*, can't really see myself doing that much for voices.

1 down, 5 more to go. let's get rolling!

it consumes...

慢慢/张学友

慢慢慢慢没有感觉
慢慢慢慢我被忽略
你何忍看我憔悴
没有一点点安慰
慢慢慢慢心变成铁
慢慢慢慢我被拒绝
你何忍远走高飞
要我如何收拾这爱的残缺

a deeply emo song, but i like it(: very challenging though...=P

staying at home is kinda distracting, especially on sat when my parents and sis are at home...on tv, chat chat...productivity not max at home. may try to study at esplanade library tomorrow...should be fun=)

feeling very sian today. as i trudge through the tons of boring notes, no ray of light lies in front. who, then, to bring a smile to my weary-hardened face?

experience and rage.

杨宗纬 - 洋葱

如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会发现 你会讶异
你是我最压抑
最深处的秘密

如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会鼻酸 你会流泪
只要你能听到我
看到我的全心全意

music calms and soothes my soul...=)

had my first experience of singing consecutively for about 1.5 hours yesterday. quite interesting. my stamina's getting better, but the strange thing was the more i sang, the better my condition was. the first few songs were quite horrible -.- . but i challenged myself with a few hard songs, ie. Jay's songs. surprised myself that i could pull it off. haha. maybe it was coz joel lowered the key to a nice comfortable range for me=P. hoho.

travelled all the way to school for a 2hr EG lesson. my least favourite and least confident module. oh wells. pray that whoever's marking my script is lenient, this being the first exam and all. lol.

and i just discovered that i do work faster when i'm hungry and pissed off. super potent combination. a sure-fire way to get me fired up 0.o like today...muahha...if this theory works, african kids should be the cleverest around=P. LOL.

okay i'm talking crap. gotta do stereochem tomorrow, my least favourite part of organic chem. geez...

anyway, the song above is one of my all time favourites. 洋葱, very meaningful. 你会鼻酸, 你会流泪, 只要你能听到我, 看到我的全心全意...

start of the imba week ahead: full throttle!

finally, no more CAs, and i can concentrate on doing my revision for finals. maybe i've been a little too harsh on myself, keep feeling this need to push harder. and luck hasn't really been on my side recently either -.-

Grr. 2 more weeks 2 more weeks. It's this period that you really want it to be over, but when it comes you feel an unprecedented feeling of dread. Geez, just a random bout of depression...

pre-exam stress

had oral defence and nation-building in s'pore CA2 today. two in one day -.- i thought OD was fine, just answered the questions posed accordingly. not too sure whether my answer was comprehensive enough, but good enough to get an average grade i suppose.

then had SS test. not sure whether my essay was really answering the question, but i just spammed everything i knew and tried to make it sound like i was answering the question. ah wells. hopefully can get a B+?

2 more weeks to finals. need to concentrate now. focus energy focus energy.

meanwhile, a very nice song...

下雨天/ 南拳妈妈

怎样的雨 怎样的夜

怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴

其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

i remember sam recommended me this song some time ago, but didn't really like this song this much till recently. watched an episode of xing guang and got hooked=P.

very meaningful lyrics too. when it's raining, missing someone just gets worse and worse...how true...=P

---------------

though we haven't been spending alot of personal time together, and haven't been going to our favourite haunts, don't worry dear...another 3 weeks=) i just hope that when that time comes, you'll want to spend more time with me instead of with your friends...

i just want this sem to end end end...-.-

Exhaustion

feeling tired recently. very very tired. feels like so much work to revise, so much to do. one more month plus to go, before a long long break.

sigh. seems like nothing much seems to be going my way lately...bright spots fewer and fewer these days...is it the stress? the weather? or the hunger?

zzz...shall engross myself in work again.

emerge 10

overwhelming success.

for some reason, everyone was 80% during the tech run (or semi tech run, because we didn't run through everything. i didn't even had a chance to do sound check on my mike before the real thing started. in fact, i didn't practise the song with the band until the real performance at night.) but 110% during the real performance.

normally we practise 100% for rehearsals and try not to let the standard drop too low during the real thing. interesting thing was, we did better for the real thing =O

and those songs that were anticipated to be good was a shade off their best (though it was still good), but there were songs that truly went beyond expectations and beyond. was particularly impressed with 千年之恋 and 我们的故事...totally brought the house down.

wasn't really nervous throughout the course of the concert, even before my songs. we arranged to have a chair in the middle of the stage for 病态, but due to some screw ups, as usual for live performances, it didn't happen. so ben and i just did some impromptu stuff like freezing on stage until it was time for us to sing. lol. actually the impromptu effect is better, i thought=P.

lesson learnt: sometimes it's better not to over-rehearse the performance sequence (i only rehearsed once). unexpected stuffs happen on stage, due to logistic errors, but hey, being a performer is to know how to deal with circumstances too, not just knowing what the plan was. in fact i was quite impressed with ben and myself's innovation=P. the audience obviously didn't know what was the original plan, so we just acted natural, and i thought it was fine.

in fact i enjoyed myself.

after that the nerves were all gone. no fear, no apprehension, just wanted to own the stage. haha.

for my solo song, really didn't expect such a big response from the crowd. proved that my decision to put 童话's chorus before the main song was a good one. after narisa's first intro note and my first half of 童话's chorus, i got some cheers from the crowd who recognised the song, and sang along with me =D. haha. i chose a good intro=D.

and i thought i did the song pretty well. the last chorus was stirring, i think. or at least i made a concerted attempt to make it powerful and full. it's not often that a slow song gets the time of the day at a club like zirca, and certainly not common that it gets cheers from the audience. i was rather taken aback by the audience's reaction; there were people singing along with me! even though i didn't know them.. i like the feeling of singing to a group of people who don't know you and hence they won't be supporting you because you are their friend, but instead supporting you because they appreciate your voice and performance. having a response from a totally foreign audience is far better than from people you know, goes to show if the skill is there anot. kinda cool, coz you don't see this phenomena in s'pore coz we are just too passive.

must thank senior band, the last chorus's arrangement was as powerful as it could be and i built on their power to bring out last part of the song. though jim came in earlier than he should(=P), but i think the last line of chorus that everyone was worried about was not bad. a fitting conclusion=)

can't wait to see the video for my item, want to hear how i did. got some people that came to congratulate me after i completed the song, including joel, so i think it was quite well done? weihao called it 'my moment'. haha. the moment of truth, or the moment of emergence?

the only thing i was worried about was the change in tone, since i was taking over from Super Number One which is a whole different song as compared to mine. fortunately the audience were receptive. boosted my self-confidence significantly=D

in a sense, it was lucky both my songs were in the front, when the audience were still wide awake and more active. and also, could watch the performance from the front! the dance songs were well done, goes to show how much effort they put in. particularly liked 国王王后, it was boomz, quoting joel's initial expectations for them. and their dancing was zai. super zai. very in sync, and it was uber high at the end, fitting conclusion for the production.

and senior band was on form la! super on form...didn't hear any audible mistakes at all...and towards the end, with all the guitar solos, it was high man! i liked the guitarist's interaction with the audience...engaging=D

to put it in perspective, i think it was better than gefang's gethigh production. vocalist and performance wise. for some (weird) reason, everyone was on form...the feeling and audience reaction was superb.=)

till emerge 11 then. but then again, i might not performing again, depends on how packed my timetable is next year. but even so, joel, kee onn and marcus will most likely not be around anymore. the core producers played a huge role in this success, i feel. pushing us to do better (though i wasn't very receptive to it. oops=P), made the overall production a success.

back to lectures and chionging tutorials then. finals are looming=P

murphy...bane of my life.

dislike being thrown off track by Frag-Os.

throws my mood into chaos. especially at night.

wth.

i hate murphy seriously. screw him.

not so easy...

不爱孤单 一久也习惯
不用担心谁 也不用被谁管
感觉快乐就忙东忙西
感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话 随便听一听 自己作决定
不想拥有太多情绪
一杯红酒配电影
在周末晚上 关上了手机 舒服窝在沙发里

相爱没有那麽容易 每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪 轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那麽容易 才会特别让人著迷
什麽都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心 所以最开心 曾经

this song is called 没那么简单 by a seasoned singer from Taiwan. While the lyrics are talking about an elder generation's love story, but i think it applies for everything.

nothing is easy, or rather, not so simple. nothing comes easily in this world, be it money, studies, family, love, and happiness. or maybe i'm just plain depressed. recently, everything that i've done or wanted to do haven't been easy. either lots of effort needed or even if effort is put in, it eventually comes to naught.

in terms of studies, everything seems much harder. when i came into uni, someone told me i'll study until i come to a conclusion that i used to be clever. intelligence and hard work, doesn't necessarily pay off. quoting from jiawei, we don't get rewarded for regurgitating formulas anymore. have i become stupider, or am i just not putting in enough?

luckily i still have friends sharing the same workload as me.(well, not exactly, but it helps to have people knowing your pain.) it isn't really about the amount of time put into it, i realised. alot of things, you get it means you get it, else you won't. and it wun really help even if u spend more time on it.

sad.

music, one of the few things keeping me sane. but even that has been disillusioning me recently. one of the (few) things i dislike about performing is the need to sell tickets for your own performance. it feels like MLM: selling/pushing people your 'product', in this case the performance. don't like the feeling of cajoling my friend to go for concerts. like...using friendship as a chip to coerce your friend into going. cheapens the whole friendship. and being someone that doesn't like to force people against their will...really dislike the feeling. grr. while my passion for singing hasn't diminished, performance desire has been affected.

i'm tired. but i can't stop. i'm only...halfway through=X

i wonder if you know i worry about you.

i wonder if you'll listen to me and take care of yourself.

i wonder if you know i treasure you more than i do myself.

do you?

i guess not.

random feelings...

long time since i blogged. busy busy busy. crazy couple of weeks, preparing for midterms, preparing for emerge, and not forgetting, spending precious time together with my dearest.

craziest thing i did was prolly going school at 11pm. yea 11pm. on sat night. band prac at clubroom. sounds crazy, but that was the only choice i had. considering i had two midterms today, obviously i couldnt go for tech run on sun evening. so i spend 2 hours to and fro, and spent 1 hrs there.

crazy?

yea.

but it was fun when it lasted. cool band arrangement, kinda made my night. music, rocks my soul=)

had two midterms today. CN was crazily hard, i think get 60 really very good liao. maths was better, though im kinda pissed over a careless mistake that cost me some marks. sian.

so i have 2 more, one on fri and the other next mon. now need to chiong tutorials for this week, before i lag behind and have to play catch-up. which i abhor. lol.

was feeling very apologetic to my dearest today. coz of some stuff that was my fault.=X i'm sorry dearest, it won't happen again. i promise=) trust me okays?=)

mind over body...

if there's one thing army taught me, it's that mind takes control over body. no matter how tired physically you are, as long as the mind presses the body to go, you'll go. it's just a simple matter of perserverance and determination actually. whether you possess the mental willpower to push yourself.

maybe its coz i'm somewhat used to pushing myself beyond the limit.

is that a fault?
----------------------

我期待
有一天我会回来
回到我最初的爱
回到童贞的神采

我期待
有一天我会明白
明白人世的至爱
明白原始的情怀

我情愿分合的无奈
能换来春夜的天籁
我情愿现在与未来
能充满秋凉的爽快

say goodbye
say goodbye
前前后后
迂迂回回地试探

say goodbye
say goodbye
昂首阔步
不留一丝遗憾

no regrets. love this song(: its notoriously high-pitched. should contemplate singing it live sumday...if i have the guts=P

sometimes, three days seem like a lifetime...
sometimes, the suffocating walls seem to trap me...
sometimes, i just wanna take a break...but expectations...all those expectations...

life sucks.

for the past few days, i thought about walking down clarke quay and enjoying the river breeze.

for the past few days, i thought about talking about my pent up frustrations.

for the past few days, i thought about enjoying friday night.

just didn't think i would do it alone.

murphy sucks. seriously. go away, arsehole.

the beginning of better days. or is it?

end of week 5. end of all the horrible time consuming chem labs. now i have a 2hr day on tues and that's it. yay. and now left only 2 lsm labs before fri becomes a slack day too. yay times two.

next week is recess week cum chinese new year. nus is just downright evil to put midterms immediately after the recess week. on top of having to mug for midterms, still have some assignments whose deadlines are coming up as well. well done. seems like in uni, time is never enough to finish all the outstanding work before a new one pops up. no time to rest, no time to slack, no time to spend with the people most important to you.

sucks.

------------------------------

坏人---方炯镔

容忍的人其实并不笨
只是宁可对自己残忍
既然爱不能恒温
祝福就给你下一个人

你是好人 也是个坏人
对我坦承 只为了朝他狂奔
不能放任 所以放了
这点痛我还能忍

我是好人 也是个坏人
分得够狠 你才有藉口转身
宁愿爱 一点不剩
也不忍 看恋人爱成路人

damn nice song, that i forgot and recently just heard again. love the lyrics; makes you ooze sympathy for the singer. i think everyone needs to know when to let go, when to know that letting go is in fact a happier process.

你是好人 还是坏人?

headache. work to do. troubled mind. does it get worse?

onset of depression

phew. 4/5 of this super taxing week is over. 1 more 9hr day and i'm done for the week. yay. although there's nothing to look forward to during the weekend. weekend seems like the time to do all the lab reports, tutorials and assignments whose deadlines are fast approaching. not to mention the SS CA next wed.

how encouraging.

like its not enough trying to get work done during the weekdays, i have to sacrifice the weekend too. no choice.

haven't had much choice recently. haven't had much optimism recently too. everyday just seems to be such a burden, thinking of what's gonna happen the next day.

i wake up, staying awake thinking of all the stuffs i still have to do, and breathe a heavy sigh. i can't remember the last time i felt happy waking up, thinking its gonna be a GOOD day, without having to rush from one place to another, without having to worry about school, without having to think about work and more work.

haiz.

depression getting serious.

all i can hope is that next week is better. it better be better.

CNY, CNY come quickly... ... ...

smiles, all over my face...

you have no idea how much it means to me; i was smiling with ear to ear when you said that=). even though it's not confirmed, but...

makes me equally happy. and that's all that matters=)

and i'm sure cny week will be a good week=) intuition.

----------------------------------------

the worst will be over by next week.

i think in whatever one does, you must have determination and perseverance to see it through. to put in the hard work first, before throwing in the towel early and declaring that it cannot be done. you haven't tried, how do you know it cannot be done?

and to use the no-time factor isn't exactly that valid to me either. so you are the only person who has studies and CCA to juggle?

all in all, it comes down to your mindset, whether you want it to happen or not.

if you don't, just screw off and wallow in your self-pity.

-----------------------------------

i realise i do work MUCH MUCH faster in school. i finished CN1111 and MA1506 tut in school today, although i kind of don't really know how to tackle some of the questions. but as the tutor says, trying and getting it wrong is better than not trying at all. at least, you went through the most important phase: the thinking process.

tasks for this weekend: CM2121 lab report! most important. need to finish by saturday. and do EG1413 tutorial 4 and start on assignment 1.

EG is becoming quite a pain. sitting through 2 hours of that is like sitting through GP in JC. equally, if not more, boring. worst thing is, cannot don't go=X. grr.

next week, week 4, is hellhole of a week. it's THE week in which i have everything. really everything. all my even week tutorials, my even week labs, my chem labs ALL fall on week 4. and i revise my statement on my tagboard; it's 33 hours of lesson next week.

woohoo. wish me luck.

but as i say, if you never try, how you know you won't succeed?=)

culture shock

first cm2121 lab today. wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. i realise, sometimes it's better to expect the worst, and when in reality it isn't that bad, you feel better. and relieved, that it isn't so shitty after all.

the first part of the experiment was scraped, with the compound given directly to us instead of us synthesizing it ourselves. thank god. i would be at that poorly ventilated, stuffy lab for another two hours if i needed to synthesize cyclopentadiene directly. and already i left the lab at 4pm.-.- aaron (doing expt 1) was still halfway through his experiment when i left.-.-

and most of us have no clue why we are doing what we are doing. IR spectroscopy? NMR? TLC? what the hell? never learnt it before. seems like the chemistry dept and the chem engin dept conveniently forgot that we chem engin students never learnt that in cm1501, which was taught by zhang sheng anyway.

grr..and zhang sheng's reply to our question on how to do the report was epic.

"So if you guys have not learnt IR spectro, don't need to include it in your report. Since you all don't know what it's about also."

hmm. really? so if i get a C for my report, do I complain that it's you who told us to do that?

i think not.

whatever. i'll just do my best and hope for the best.

feel nauseous after the lab as i was heading to central library. maybe breathed in cyclopentadiene and fumaric acid fumes.-.-

haiz. time to chiong report this weekend=X

feeling sucky. not sure why.

got this sense of impending doom about tomorrow. 10-7. such a cold feeling when i think about it. let's hope everything turns out well.

don't feel like doing anything today, just wanted to vent. for once, even singing doesn't help.=X

...

argh.

musings

should i stop giving advice? hmm. seems like the conclusion i draw after taking into consideration all the pros and cons of the situation, isn't a very desirable conclusion after all. well, will avoid being a consultant from now on.

sometimes when you are an outsider giving advice, you don't understand the inherent priorities of the person. And what seems the best choice from your objective viewpoint, doesn't necessarily appeal to the person.

now i know.

-------------------------------

had a very interesting talk yesterday evening when i stayed in school to do tutorials. 'learnt' alot of new stuff, or 'intel' as i would call it.

It is amazing how, really, irrational things done can just capture the attention of fellow humans. It's when people think...hmm, why is this happening, that you begin to delve into the whys and how comes of the issue. Unique.

And i'm glad (for lack of a better word) that some of us have a common consensus, or common analysis, of the nature of one. i've had doubts for quite some time, and it's interesting to note that others have been observing the same thing. Flawed character, however, isn't as scary as flawed intent. Reason being, you have no control over your inherent character but you have control over what you do. food for thought. Unique X 2.

and the interesting 'supernova' effect. for the sake of not infringing copyright, i've modified the name slightly=P. i think it's a social phenomena worth pondering about. and it makes sense actually. But it's what happens after the phenomena occurs that's disturbing. will the 'interest' last? when all the attention is gone, when everything dies down, will 'interest' turn into 'disinterest'?

--Don't worry if you don't understand; if you don't, it just means you aren't supposed to know.=P--

1st week.

and so the first week of school passed. quite relaxing, no tuts, no labs, no eg1413...which amounted to only a few hours of lecture a day.

but i know it won't last. unfortunately, next week lsm lab kicks in, all my tuts except math kicks in, and i'm gonna have an unholy 9hr day next friday.

luckily i did some work during the weekdays, which means i have not a lot to do on the weekends except read up on next week's lecture's and slack.=P was thinking of going out on sun, but since dear needs to rest, i'll prolly just stay at home and do 'useful' stuff like read notes and prepare myself for the week ahead=P

when the going gets tough, the tough gets going...

and so it's time.

在倒數聲中我剩下什麼?

solution to peeve 1: lecturer says it's an open lab concept. meaning, come at whatever time you want, leave at whatever time you want, just finish the experiment. means i can carry on and do the expt till 2pm on tues, go for lecture, and return to complete it.=P

solution to peeve 2: went to fujitsu repair centre today. the lady said no stock of LCD screens, so they'll call me when they do have stock for me to replace it.=)

蔡旻佑 - 你看不到的天空

我在你看不到的天空
看著燦爛的煙火
這城市孤單的人只有我

沒有誰在乎 誰跟誰 分手
每個時鐘都繼續轉動
許下你听不到的承諾
流星怎麼不墜落
在倒數聲中我剩下什麼
沒有誰甘心 對回憶愛不釋手

但我無力對抗 這整個世界的寂寞

我該如何去面對 整個世界的寂寞...

nice song=). so-so vocals, but nice melody.

1st day of school; was fine. lecturers for cn and cm seem zai and quite humorous. i'm beginning to like the modules alrdy=)
-----------------------------------------------------------------

recently been thinking about the issue of taking things for granted. for some reason, i've had this weird thought in my head. a storyline. something that goes like this...

'He had no chance.

As the onrushing car blazed past him, his last thought was the beautiful memories he had with her. So treasured, so precious, so... before all conscious thinking was wiped out, and the world became a patch of black.
------------------------
She cradled him in her arms, tears flowing uncontrollably as her mind refuses to register this numbing sight in front of her. It was just minutes before that he bade her farewell, that he told her goodnight, that he kissed her on the forehead.

What a difference a minute makes.

It wasn't until she heard a hair-raising screeching sound of tires and a loud thud that she turned around, and saw it. Something she wouldn't forget, probably for the rest of her life. How could she, as she beheld the man she loved being thrown out 15 feet into the air and landing on the ground with a sickening boom?

As she ran to him, her mind was panicking...'He must be fine, must be fine...'

And yet, she knew it was hopeless.'
-----------------------
decided not to take things for granted anymore. it was as though this vision was placed in my dreams for a reason.

treasure everything you have. man proposes, god disposes. you never know what might happen, no way to predict what is going to come.

if you can make your loved ones happy, why not? if you can make a difference now, why not? better late than never.

better now than never=)

argh.

Peeve 1: 7hr lab session on tuesdays from 10am-5pm. which clashes with SS lecture. and they only informed us about the lab timings today. good job. how now?=(

Peeve 2: comp is showing signs of crashing. just blanked out today. twice. holy shit. murphy ehh?=P please go away coz i don't like you.

it's when things like these happen that you know school is starting soon. all the shitty things happening all at once=(

fellowship of the orchestra=)

today went for vjco woodwind gathering...actually the purpose of the gathering was to see mdm wee before she leaves the school for tpjc...apparently she thought long and hard before comign to this decision to leave vj after 11 long, hard years. needed a change in environment, and maybe a fresh start.

i think i agree with her, that it's difficult to stay in one working environment for too long, and 11 years is like omg long!=P. wish her all the best in tpj, which shdn't be too bad, especially if they produce students like andrew.=P

had a long talk about studies, the importance of mandarin, our secondary schools etc etc...very interesting talk, which is too long to put here...had quite alot of afterthoughts about it after going home.

i think my time in VS did make me more mature than i would be if i was in a mixed school. but that's just a conjecture since i was NOT from a mixed school, and who knows, maybe i would have been a better person if i had been. but i feel that being in a all-guys school did make me wisen up to the world we are in. it's like a precursor to army; makes you see through the masks people have and the ulterior motives.

that's how i have this particular 'talent' for seeing through most people.

and i'm increasingly alarmed by the amount of work to be put in next sem. i fear, that i won't be able to spend time doing things that i want to, and instead spend my time immersing myself in the numerous tutorials and lab reports. i fear, that i'll be spending less time with my dearest. i fear......so many things...

i don't want to regret anything. so before this holidays draws to a close next week, i want to make the most of our time. amid all the bidding stuff and worrying about modules to take, i just hope we have some time solely together before all the engin rubbish kicks in again.

hopefully, no regrets.

2010!

first post of the new year! hoho. so 2009 is over. transition year, separating army from university life. made so many new friends, from iras peeps to university friends, and meeting many old friends that i've previously lost contact with.

overall, it's been a pretty good year. at least, i think i'm more or less where i expected myself to be. actually more=P. unexpected stuff do happen, and fortunately, its the positive kind of unexpected stuff. hopefully, 2010 will prove to be a good year as well=)

spent new year's eve at yan's house eating steamboat and playing bridge and rock band with the EE gang. haha. it was fun, and for me, quite heart-warming. better than going to crowded places and shouting yourself hoarse while squeezing with the tons of people around. or just staying at home and stoning =P

at the same time, held a belated birthday celebration for dearest at yan's place. after some time of meticulous planning and present-making by the EE gang, it was carried out to near perfection. the only non-perfect thing? not enough cake on her face=D. oops!=P

and the Z monster figurine was huge! lol. taller than her=P. and some kids were staring and pointing at it while we were on the train. quite funny lol.=P

hope you enjoyed your birthday this year, dearest. next year will be better=)

went out with s21 peeps on the 30th. i laughed so much my stomach muscles got cramp=P. LOL. from burning chopsticks to observing global warming in candle wax, to cam-whoring along clarke quay, to finding subtle ways to ask about 'forbidden fruit'...i just laughed and laughed.

good friends are hard to find, and even harder to keep. treasure them, for you may never find another like them again.=)