suddenly i share the same sentiment as esther. i can't wait to go back to the place where i belong. the place where so many things, so many people, so many places are dear to me. where i fit in. here? adventure becomes boring and monotonous as time carries on. too much hypocrisy, too much independence.
suddenly it gets tiring to be independent. it wears you down, thinking of what things you need to do by yourself. sometimes you just wanna hide in your own corner and just think aimlessly and mindlessly. unfortunately it doesn't happen here. sometimes i just wanna sing out loud to relieve the stress and monotony of the life here. but i can't, there's a social 'decorum' that has to be adhered to here. Finns are reserved and quiet, and they expect you to be likewise.
suddenly i appreciate the freedom i had when i was in singapore. the freedom to go wherever i want, to do whatever i want, to sing wherever i want without people thinking you are crazy. freedom is not independence. freedom is knowing that you can go crazy because you have support, be it friends, family etc. independence is knowing that you have to be mature and steadfast going about doing things, by yourself, and do it well. there's a big difference.
well i'm ready to be free, but not ready to be independent. at least, i want to know that however late i go home, there will be someone waiting for me, some hot dinner, something to look forward to at home. here? there's nothing. nothing at all. the walls keep you company, and so do your friends on facebook. virtual world isn't the real world, nothing is like meeting your loved ones face to face.
suddenly i regret the way i've lived in the past. this isn't cultural shock of living in a new country, neither is it homesickness. being here for the past 5 months i've gotten used to the Finn way of living, talking less, doing more. and i believe it isn't homesickness because it's not the prospect of home that makes me happier, its the prospect of leaving this place. suddenly i regret the way i'll brush my mum away when she asks me whether i'll be home for dinner, suddenly i regret the way i speak to my dad when he gives me a call to ask when i'll be back, suddenly i miss the way i banter with my sister, suddenly i miss the times i shared with geraldine, with the chem eng peeps, with the vjc peeps, suddenly i regret...
its a merciless world, where you know what you miss and what you are only after losing them. only after being thrown into the deep end, can you know what you're made of. only after multiple trials can you know what's the most dear to you, what makes you, well, you.
jian kai was right. the exchange trip opens your eyes to alot of things, just not the things i expected them to be. suddenly, i know what i need to be complete. 'and when you know how much that means, when you've found that special thing, you're flying without wings'. never really felt how true this lyrics was, but indeed it's true. we all crave to have fun, but yet, is fun really what you need? i used to think to myself, how wonderful would it be if you were to live in a foreign land, make friends in with foreign people of a different race/skin colour.
yet, is it really so wonderful? i don't think so.
suddenly, i really truly begin to understand myself. who do i live for? i remember asking that question multiple times in the past, and previously the answer was for myself. now i'm not so sure. humans aren't complete by yourself, no man is an island.
now i discover, that i really live for others. you are complete, and hence you live, because of what you have around you.
previously, i can stay at home for days on end, without feeling bored or a need to go out. now, 2 days in the room irks me. so suffocated, so tiring.
yes, travelling was fun while it lasted. playing was fun while it lasted. but in my opinion, it's time for the fun to end.
